Horror Party

The rest of 2008 Pt. II

2009-08-31T00:38:00.001-07:00

201) Trampa Infernal (1990) *: Here’s a fine Mexi slasher that came out just a bit late to the game and has never been translated or put on DeeVeeDee for US horror hounds, but trust me, she is a doosey. The guy’s got slightly modified Freddy Kreuger claws, the Michael Myers white face mask, and he’s woodland bound, pickin’ off teenagers a’la Jason. Cool big box cover art too, though it has been worn quite a bit. If you’re a schlock horror fan you’re seriously limiting yourself if you only stick to English language or even subtitled flicks, and this is a pedestrian enough number with a familiar plot to make for a good starting point.

202) Maniac (1980) **: The notorious and super bleak NYC shot sleaze piece. The brutality teeters on the brink of monotony with this one, but it’s such and uncompromisingly brutal and gritty portrait of a horrible, horrible man that you end up feeling like you just finished some sort of misogynistic marathon by the end of the flick…But in a good way, y’know?

203) Fear No Evil (1981) *: Can’t say I took much away from this one, something about a teenager who happens to have demonic powers being picked on in high school, that sort of thing. Really, all that stuck out was the soundtrack, which consisted mostly of Sire Records punk/new wave hits. It’s a totally by the numbers, forgettable, teen horror flick, but how many of those movies can boast Richard Hell or the Rezillos tracks on the soundtrack?

204) The Killing Kind (1973) ***: Well, I’m a sucker for this type of flick. I’ve used the expression excessively in my reviews, but “low key, 70’s dialogue based horror” is my bread and butter, and this flick fits that description to a T. A young man returns home after doing time for participating in a gang rape (!!!), but prison’s warped his mind a bit, and he starts going after those who put him in the pen in the first place. It’s interesting, because generally in movies when people get released from jail, the audience is usually sympathetic towards their crimes, like it’ll be an 18 year old kid caught stealing a car, something like that. When you play the rape card right out the gate, it really changes the dynamics of the film. And you gotta think, there’re a lot of rapes in this country, so rapists are let out of jail and probably go back to their moms all the time, but you never really see that story get told, y’know? And since this is really a paced, dialogue driven piece, it really takes the time to make you as uncomfortable as possible. It reminded me of the (also excellent) I Dismember Mama, which also focuses on an institutionalized male and his issues with women. Great stuff, but again, this is exactly the kind of flick I go for, so I’m not sure it’s for everyone.

205) Shockwaves (1977) **: Well I’ll be, the Citizen Cane of nazi zombie movies! I’ve only seen all the crappy knock offs, so I was surprised to see there was actually a minimal amount of effort put into sculpting creepy characters and not just sploshing green makeup and swastikas on the director’s friends and having them lumber after some nekkid chick. Yes, there’s actually suspense, a plot, and dare I say ATMOSPHERE at play in this one, and when you throw Peter Cushing in the mix, you might just mistake this with a real, live, actual movie, despite its sensational subject matter. Great watch.

206) Galaxy of Terror (1982) **: Wow, this one really caught me off guard. You look at the cover and you assume this might be some Good Times repackaging/retitling of an old b-movie with swiped cover art, but in reality this is a surprisingly gory/explicit Alien ripoff, complete with sophisticated death scenes and, yes, “the giant maggot scene.” Can’t go into too much detail on here, but refer to the cover and use your imagination as to where that scene’s going. Really weird this hasn’t been given a quality reissue, ‘cause gore/exploitation fans would eat this up for sure.

207) Two Evil Eyes (1990) **: The Romero bit is pretty underwhelming, in keeping with the rest of his output from this period (and it only got worse as time went on), but makes up for it with a great death scene at the end. Argento proves to be the master of his craft, though, and his sophisticated death scenes and trick shots make for a completely compelling main course.

208) Venus Fly Trap (1988) *: Pretty entertaining and corny revamping of House at the Edge of the Park where some street thugs crash the soc’s shindig, which they weasel their way into while sticking up a record store. There’s even a MOBY GRAPE reference during the stickup, which is probably the last thing you’d expect to see. Expect plenty of rape, horrific acting and a short running time on this one. Good stuff, for sure.

209) Night Train To Terror (1985) **: It was weird watching this flick, ‘cause as a kid this was THEE premier video me and my friends would clown on. I think they knew someone who did some special effects work on it or something? I dunno, but watching it now, with a broader knowledge of just how low movies can go, it’s a thoroughly enjoyable flick. It’s your basic horror anthology, with the premise being God and Satan on a train ride arguing over who has a stronger hold on man, and telling various stories to make their point. This actually isn’t too bad a premise, but couple that with some laughable dialogue and delivery, cheesy (but gory) special effects, and an overall schlock factor, and whatever good intentions that may have gone behind the premise just get thrown out the window and actually give the film even more of an inept quality. But don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a total Troma style knee-slapper; the intentions for a straight forward horror/exploitation piece are here, the execution just went a little screwy. But like I said, the effects, though crude, are Savini compared to a lot of stuff out there, and obviously I’ll take claymation over CGI any day. Put it this way: It’s definitely not a BORING movie, and I actually found myself surprised at how entertained I was overall.

210) Bigfoot (1970) *: Obscure schlock monster movie which manages to hit some surprising high notes while keeping firmly grounded as a genre picture. First off, the soundtrack is KILLER countrified SF style pscych, real laid back and heady. Then you got this RIDICULOUS scene where one of the guys dressed as a bigfoot wrestles a “bear” and gets hay and twigs stuck in his nappy, carpet like “fur.” Shoddy interior outdoor sets, tied up babes and biker footage-a-plenty rounds out a nice little slice of Americana. Definitely worth checking out if you’re a fan of the genre.

122) Satan’s Slave (1976) n/a: Can’t say I remember much of this one. Must not have been paying attention. Somewhat droll UK horror, from what I recall.

212) The Alchemist (1984) **: Underrated, somewhat-forgotten American horror with a relatively high production value is always hard to resist, but I think I was particularly smitten with this flick, and I’m not sure why. The film starts with a prologue where a man’s wife gets killed by a sorcerer, who then curses the man with eternal life as a half-demon-half-man creature. Flash forward to the 1950’s (FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER), and an unlikely pair of hitchhikers get stranded in the woods together. They spend some time developing the characters, and I actually like them for reasons beyond my understanding. Anyhoo, they stumble upon the demon-man’s cabin in the woods, and hijinks ensue. The effects towards the climax are actually pretty decent, and like I said, as a whole the film is pretty engaging for what it is. Definitely above par. This film resides in this weird realm, where it’s out of print, and never been on DVD, but it must have been a popular rental title back in the day, because it’s not particularly rare or sought after. I won’t go as far as to say it’s a “lost classic” or anything, but definitely entertaining

213) Scream For Help (1984) *: Fairly standard British suspense/thriller revolving around a step father out to kill his wife for the inheritance, and the daughter who stands in his way. They fucking LOVE stories about someone in the family trying to kill someone else in the family over there, don’t they? It’s about as exciting as this kind of flick can get, I suppose.

214) Black Magic Woman (1991) *: Mark Hammil plays with poor Apallonia’s heart strings, which if she was just Prince’s chick would be one thing, but she’s all into voodoo and shit in this movie, so as you might guess, things don’t turn out well for Luke. Uh, it’s trite shit, but I was able to sit through all of it, so that should count for something.

215) Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe (1974) **: Now that I’ve had some distance from my initial shock of the more infamous Coffin Joe flicks, I’m comfortable saying that not ALL of Marins work is gold. Don’t get me wrong, his best work is still fuckin’ platinum coated, diamond encrusted, total godhead, but a flick like this, that you really have to hunt down if you want to see, really doesn’t live up to his major works. The twisted effects are fairly lite, and Coffin Joe, the figure, is kind of downplayed. I mean, it’s a clever film and all, revolving around Marins helping his friends break a witch’s curse, which climaxes with Marins confronting his alter ego, Coffin Joe, but the execution and everything is just sort of…Lacking. Of course the only version available, to my knowledge, is the really rough print Something Weird Video did in the 90’s, so maybe if this flick had the same care put into its restoration as “The Coffin Joe Trilogy,” it would be easier to take. As it stands, this is just an adequate entry into library of greatness.

216) Legacy of Horror (1978) zilch: Alright, let’s get this straight, this is the Andy Milligan flick, not the corny Blood Legacy movie which sometimes goes by the same title. I didn’t watch this flick for a long time because those titles were so similar, and I kind of wish I kept it that way. Really, REALLY plodding “spend the night in a haunted house to get the inheritance” motif, made particularly mind numbing by the inept Milligan. From time to time I can find this guy’s stuff charming, but this one was just grueling.

217) Sundown (1990) *: Full moon schlock, redeemed only slightly by a lead role from Bruce Campbell and David Carradine playing Dracula. Painfully bright 90’s “hip” vampire flick which was dated 5 years before it was even made. I did get through it, so it could have been worse, but really, don’t bother.

218) Saturday the 14th (1981) *: I thought I saw this a bunch as a kid, but I guess it was the sequel I saw, as this jogged no memories watching it again. I dunno, it’s “fun” horror/comedy, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for this stuff. It’s okay for what it is, I guess.

219) Innocent Prey (1984) n/a: Not memorable. No literally, I have no recollection of watching this film.

220) Last House on the Left (1972) ****: I’m honestly kind of appalled I haven’t seen this before. Obviously it’s a classic, and I’ve heard about it for years, but I don’t know, me and this flick just never crossed paths. I finally ponied up and ordered a copy off Amazon, just like, “okay, what’s all the fuss about,” and damn. Just damn. Honestly, this is such a huge building block for horror and exploitation, I really can’t believe it took me this long to see it. It’s like listening to hard rock and heavy metal music for years, and then hearing a blues chord-progression and being like “ooooooooh.” Not much I can say about this one, really, other than urge others not to make the same mistake I did and not make this a top priority if you haven’t already seen it.

221) Abby (1974) *: With a tagline like “The Black Exorcist,” this really isn’t much of an exorcist clone at all, and honestly isn’t even that enjoyable, either as a blaxploitation or horror piece. I can say I was definitely bored throughout. It does have that low rent 70’s vibe to it, and the surviving film is way grainy, which gives it a cool ambiance in a way, but I doubt the average person will walk away with much from this one.

222) Las Vegas Serial Killer (1986) *
223) Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher (1979) ***
224) Body Fever (1969) *: Well, they had this four pack of Ray Dennis Steckler flicks at this record store for like, $15 or something forever. I only knew the guy from Rat Pfink and Boo Boo (which wins the “looks like they had the most fun actually making this movie” award, pretty much for all time), but obviously the appeal of the same guy doing slashers just sounded like inept gold. And really, “Hollywood Strangler…” is the only one that really lived up to my expectations, but oh, how it did. The film manages to be bleak, inept, sleazy, and dare I say it, even artsy (ENTIRELY accidental) all at the same time. The base plot surrounds this guy who gets models to strip nude for him while he takes pictures, and eventually kills them. Simultaneously, there’s a woman in the same neighborhood offing hobos who bother her shop. There’s a certain hopelessness that kicks in when a movie is this formulaic. It’s kind of like the first hour of Maniac, where you’re pretty sure this movie is never going to end, and this guy is just gonna keep killing and raping and killing with no end in sight. This movie catches a similar groove, but in more of a bumbling way than a truly bleak or mean spirited one. Of course the main draw is the near-silent film like quality of the overdubbed dialogue. A bulk of the flick is monologues delivered by The Strangler, and a few lurid comments spit at the model girls. This gives the film a really sparse, minimalist quality that of course was more of an economic necessity than real, artistic choice, I’m sure, but it still, it’s a nice touch and gives the film a really unique quality. Las Vegas Serial Killer attempts a similar greatness, but falls way short, and Body Fever is a detective story that was fun in its cheapness, but failed to leave much of an impact. “Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher,” though, that’s a great flick, highly recommended.

225) Flesh and Blood Show (1973) *: I’m kind of soft on these UK 70’s teen horror flicks, even though I know they’re mostly crap. This one reminds me a lot of that flick Horror Hospital, in tone and general schmaltzy, fabric-softener quality. Oh, except this ones based around the crap “killer in the theater” premise. Ugh, fucking gag me if I have to see another one of those…

226) The Burning (1981) **: You know, you watch enough bottom-of-the-barrel slasher flicks, you start to think “man, maybe I just don’t enjoy these anymore.” Then a movie like this comes along, that actually has some merit as a film, complete with a newly restored, widescreen print, and it’s like, “oh yeah, now I remember why I liked these movies to begin with.” There are just so many powerful, “edge of your seat” moments, sophisticated death scenes, and a well crafted story that instead of mentally going down your checklist of clichés, you’re just fully engrossed in the film the entire time. Really, there’s nothing “exceptional” about this film, and if this world was worth a god damn, this would be a standard slasher, but because there’s so much crap out there, and because there actually is some talent and hard work put in on behalf of the film makers, this feels like an absolute masterpiece.

227) Tender Flesh (1998) *: Later period Jess Franco flick that you comes as a double feature with Lust for Frankenstein, a movie I actually like, in spite of myself. This one’s pretty decent, too. It’s a variation on The Most Dangerous Game with lots more kinky sex. I don’t know, there’s just something that’s still appealing about newer Jess Franco flicks, I can’t really put my finger on it. They’re crap, decidedly mediocre, but they somehow work; Definitely leagues better than what most modern day independent sexploitation film makers crank out.

228) Rock and Roll Frankenstein (1999) zilch: Shitty camp horror comedy. They even censor their own movie. What’s the point of doing a zero budget, straight to DVD movie like this if you can’t even show a dong getting ripped off by a hook? Stupid.

229) Slime City (1988) *
230) Naked Fear (1998) zilch: These two flicks are by the same guy and come on a DVD together. Slime City is pretty ill, HEAVY Basketcase vibe, and still has that grimy NYC atmosphere of the 70’s/early 80’s, even though it’s a little late to the game. The plot is irrelevant, as it’s basically just an excuse to pull of some decent “green slime” goopy special effects. It’s low budget, but played straight enough to be enjoyable. Naked Fear is a bit of an attempt at more “serious” subject matter, and has something to do with the agoraphobic guy who can’t leave his house, and it quickly turns to a tepid “thriller.” Not really worth seeing.

231) Addicted To Murder 2 (1998) zilch: Yeah, I hate myself, fuck you.

232) Creep (1995) *: Here’s a mean spirited little number that sticks out in the mid-90’s like a sore thumb. There’s incest, gratuitous strip club scenes, THE BEST ENDING OF ANY MOVIE, EVER, and not one morally “good” character in the entire flick. One of those flicks where everything about it just seems unsavory, without ever having any truly explicit moments. Seems like a total product of meth.

233) Maniac Cop 2 (1990) *: Eh, Lustig’s at the wheel, why not? It’s an okay action flick. The scene towards the end where the maniac cop is on fire, just hugging other guys and setting them on fire is pretty intense. There’s like, five straight minutes where at least one person on screen is on fire. I may not know good cinema, but I know what I like.

234) Werewolves on Wheels (1971) **: Pretty fun bikersploitation drive in stuff. It’s no Psychomania, but there are some good moments.

235) Blaire Witch 2 (2000) zilch: Man, I remember poking my head in the theater when this flick came out, because it was playing between two movies I wanted to see, and I think I opted to walk out and just sit in the empty theater of the next movie I wanted to see before it started. So naturally I wanted to see if this was as bad as I remembered, and I was kind of let down by the level of quality. I mean, it’s a piece of shit, obviously, but it’s more like the 13 Ghosts remake or something than Gigli. So yes, if I’m let down that this movie wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be, and just rested comfortably at mediocre.

236) Serial Killer Massacre (2000) *: Crap fans rejoice! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a straight to video turd that I’ve actually enjoyed watching (I’m kind of desensitized at this point), but this one’s a standout. It’s basically a twist on the Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher, where two killers meet up to, uh, kill more, except the acting and dialogue is SO appalling it really needs to be seen to be believed. Like I said, I’m not often moved by these type of flicks these days, so for this to make an impact that’s saying something.

237) They Sleep At Dawn (2000) zilch: Ha, mildly entertaining vampire drug war epic mostly shot (presumably) in the back woods of Jersey with a shitty local black metal soundtrack. I mean, obviously the vibes are ill, but it’s still a piece of shit.

238) Female Mercinaries on Zombie Ilsland (1995) zilch: Crap. Just an excuse to show a bunch of cat fights. Not even any nudity, if I remember correctly.

239) Don’t Torture A Duckling (1972) ***: Well color me late to the game, but this movie fucking RULES. I’ve always heard good things about this early Fulci outing, and it’s definitely in the upper echelon of his films. The story is your basic investigation into a string of murders of young boys, and like any good giallo, there are plenty of red herrings and death scenes. But something about this one really rises above its peers. In part, you’re always able to keep up with the story, which isn’t always the case with many “bog standard” giallos. Next, you actually CARE about these characters. I for one was particularly moved at the plight of the gypsy woman. It’s definitely what you’d call a “riveting” film. Highly recommended.

240) Tomb of the Blind Dead (1971) **: Now THIS is what Euro horror is all about! A straight forward tone, sophisticated death scenes, an actually interesting plot…Yeah, this is the kind of flick I need to see after watching too many incoherent Euro skin flicks in fast forward. Great stuff, and well worth the accolades it receives.

24`) Don’t Go In The Woods (1981) *: I kind of felt like I should be enjoying this one more than I did. It’s not a bad movie, in fact, it’s a really great low budget woodland (duh) slasher a’la Friday the 13th, but I dunno, it just wasn’t doing it for me. The locations were great, the “feel” of the film was authentic, the death scenes were decent…I mean, why I LOVED The Burning and spaced out during this one I can’t really say, but who knows, maybe I’ll revisit it somewhere down the line and it’ll make more sense. As it is I felt it was just painfully average.

242) Virgin Among The Living Dead (1973) zilch: Man, and the winner of best title/worst actual movie goes to…Death Head Virgin, but this one’s right behind it. Don’t let the “living dead” fool you, this is more of a “greedy family clutching for the family fortune” flick than, uh, one you would want to watch. My boy Franco directed this one, and it’s a prime year for the guy, but I dunno, you’d never guess it from watching this one. Dullsville.

243) Blood Sabbath (1972) *: I found myself enjoying this one more than I probably should have. It’s kind of a fantasy/horror/lite skin flick revolving around a Vietnam vet wandering through the forest when he’s intercepted by some naked witches. I really have no fucking idea why, or what really happens afterwards, but there’s a lot of naked ladies jumping around in circles, and mock ritual type stuff. Harmless, but kind of fun.

244) Dead Pit (1989) *: Harmless enough “evil mental institution” type flick. I can’t really think of any GREAT versions of that motif, and this is no exception.

255) La Bimba Di Satana (1982) n/a: Eh, this one did nothing for me. Granted I was watching a grainy non-subbed bootleg, so it might not be fair to judge this one, but I dunno, I just don’t think I was in the mood for a generic Euro-sleazer at the time. I must have fast forwarded through most of it, ‘cause I don’t even remember the basic plot.

256) Guts of a Virgin 3 (1987) *: Sleazy Japanese exploitation revolving around a special agency of women who are able to torture men through giving them sexual pleasure…Or something. Definitely more for fans of torture/gore than sex (though you do get plenty of both). I mean, is kind of an “is what it is” type of flick, and seems more like the kind of flick you get if you want to show of how “brutal” and “fucked up” your tastes are. Not to say there aren’t those who legitimately enjoy this kind of stuff, but there’s just not much more to this movie than “yep, that guy sure is getting tortured.”

257) La Matanza De Cannibals (1993?) *: I’m not exactly sure about the title/year of production on this one, but this is what was written on the VHS bootleg I have. I thought it was a Mexican flick, but the IMDB page of the closest matching title says Spain, so who knows? It’s the kind of flick that makes you wonder what the fuck you’re doing with your life. It’s so “cult,” so underground, and so…stupid, that you feel like you’re smuggling contraband by watching it. I mean, it’s shot on video and there’s no subs, so it feels, well, I won’t go as far as to say watching a “stuff” film, as the gore effects and death scenes aren’t that impressive. Maybe it’s more like watching some neighborhood death metal kid’s home movies, I dunno. Cool flick, but it’s maybe more enjoyable from the kicks you get from watching a mondo obscurity than from the content of the film itself.

258) Night of the Demons 2 (1994) **: Here’s a personal favorite of mine, and I can understand if people think I’m crazy or hypocritical for liking such clearly tongue-in-cheek 90’s drec, but in a way I like to think of this as what slashers in the 90’s COULD have been if the market didn’t bottom out. There’s nudity, there’s gore, it’s very un-PC. Granted stuff like the “warrior nun” with chain-sickle crucifix is the sort of “funny” stuff you’d see in a Troma type picture, but moments like that are significantly outweighed by the more standard “dumb teens getting picked off” moments. I mean, a decade earlier this would have been completely unremarkable, but in the 90’s this was kind of against the grain. Oh, and the effects are pretty ill, too, at least I don’t recall any tacky CGI. I mean, it’s a crap film, but it succeeds in being crap in a time where other horror flicks failed at being good, and for that I think it’s commendable.

259) Dracula (1931) ***: Y’know, you see a story reworked so many times, it’s easy to forget that you’ve never seen the original. This one came on cable really late at night, let’s say 3am, and it was just a perfect viewing experience, getting to see the source of so many different remakes I’ve seen revealed before me without like, intentionally setting out to see it. It’s a beautiful film, though, a “classic” in every sense, to the point where there’s nothing I can really say about it on a sleazepit like this. But I will say at least that it can still have an effect on a polluted mind such as mine, which is probably a sign of a truly well made film.

260) Pigs (1972) *: Y’know, sometimes Troma distributes a flick you like, and it’s almost offensive, like with Combat Shock, you’re just like “man, you don’t deserve this kind of treatment!” Then other times it makes perfect sense, like with Pigs. I mean, it’s an “okay” flick, it’s 70’s, it’s dirty looking, the “raped by her father” back story of the main female character lends the film enough trash cred, and the “killing people and feeding them to animals” theme might have even planted the seeds for Eaten Alive, but the acting is hammy in kind of a bad way, and there’s nothing really inventive enough about this flick that really stands out for me. Like I said, it’s a fine film, I probably should like it more, but it’s definitely closer to the kind of flicks Troma would go on to make than even the aforementioned Eaten Alive or any other really nasty 70’s exploitation.

261) Godmonster of the Indian Flats (1973) **: MOTHERFUCKING FREDERIC HOBBS! The only other flick I’ve seen from this guy was the great (and slightly headier) Alabama’s Ghost, and thankfully this one left me just as awestruck. Hobbs has a really slanted take on low budget exploitation that really evades classification. I mean, at base this is your basic drive in monster movie with a 70’s facelift, maybe akin to Don Dohler’s stuff, but the monsters are so fucked up, and it’s clear that Hobbs is trying to “say something” about drive in Americana with these flicks, in the same was as Paul Morrissey was with his Dracula and Frankenstein pictures, but Hobbs uses very different methods of course, much more surreal and post-psychedelic. Yeah, this is a really wild ride to go on, really, definitely recommended if you like your flicks more on the weird side of “fucked up” than the explicit.

262) Hitchhike To Hell (1977) **: I liked this one a lot. It centers on this guy whose mom is constantly on his case ever since his sister ran away from home. At some point the dude snaps, and starts picking up every hitch hiker he can, only to sexually assault and murder them as soon as they let on that they’re not up to the driver’s moral code. Essentially it’s a morality tale about the dangers of hitch hiking, and the plight of runaways (the police chief is often confronted with indifference from the families of the victims…Awwww!), but of course it takes the most tasteless and exploitative route possible to get to that “moral.” It’s 70’s grindhouse, straight up and down, and if you’re a fan of grainy film, hackneyed acting, and the sleazy ambiance that comes with these flicks, then step right up. Note, this one’s definitely not as explicit as you might imagine, but it’s a fun watch nonetheless.

263) Devil Story (1985) n/a: I don’t know how, but I completely forgot everything about this movie. I think I watched too much trash in one day, it all kind of blended together.

264) Blue Voodoo (1983) *: Entertaining, but not quite innovative skin flick about this stripper girl “done wrong” by her man who goes into cahoots with a voodoo queen to get her revenge on the letch. Like I said, don’t expect anything too grimy, mean spirited or over the top (relatively speaking), but for a fun porno with supernatural/horror themes, this one does the trick.

265) Alien Prey (1978) *: A classic case of a bizarre premise that doesn’t parlay into a particularly memorable or interesting film, as a lesbian couple living in a townhouse together have their (dysfunctional) relationship disrupted by an alien disguised as a human. Like I said, great premise, and there are a few decent scenes, definitely worth watching if you don’t have anything better to do, but not really all that necessary. Actually, for a British flick this might as well be Last House on the Left, but yeah, it’s kind of just “okay.”

266) The Devil’s Exorcist (1978) *: Spanish horror that plays a lot like a Hammer flick with a much lower production value. It’s okay, but very straight forward, and not particularly exceptional in any way. Of course the version I watched didn’t have subtitles, but I somehow doubt that would change my opinion of the film.

267) The Sentinel (1977) **: Here’s a “supernatural thriller” revolving around a haunted house that’s actually really quite good. Basically you got this model, who’s trying to mellow out after an attempted suicide, so she shacks up in this apartment that’s supposed to be empty except for a blind priest up stairs, but it turns out to be this gateway to evil, yadda yadda, you know how these things go. I think the big draw here is the makeup effects by Dick Smith, who did all the ill shit on The Exorcist. The effects, makeup and otherwise in this film are excellent, way above par, and the story is paced, while keeping your attention every step of the way. This is a great example of a film that doesn’t just pander to the lowest common denominator with exploitative film techniques, and still manages to satisfy genre enthusiasts. I wouldn’t go as far as to call this “thinking person’s horror,” because there’s nothing too pretentious or deep going on, but there’s still more substance here than your average trash horror flick. Definitely give it a shot if you need to cleanse your palate of z-grade sleaze.

268) Ritual of Death (1990) **: After seeing the Coffin Joe flicks, I’ll pretty much watch any Brazilian horror I can get my hands on, and this flick, though obviously going for a completely different thing than Marins’ films, is a decent gore/sleaze fest from a dude who I guess mostly did porn up to this point. The plot centers on some guy who fucked with some artifact or something who transmutates into this possessed killing machine with predictable results. The mutation scene is actually pretty gross and effective, as are a lot of the evil rituals. Definitely one to look for if you have more outré tastes in sleaze. I’d fucking kill to see Satanic Attraction, which has a trailer on here. What a masterpiece that one looks like.

269) Alien 2: On Earth (1980) *: Dopes trapped in a cave waiting for an Alien thing to pick ‘em off one by one. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not too keen on the “group trapped in a small space” method of horror, I dunno, I just feel kind of claustrophobic or something. Not that that’s this film’s main problem, I mean, it’s a shitty Italian sci-fi horror flick, it’s loaded with problems, but thankfully there’re a few good death scenes snuck in to keep things interesting. Not great, probably not even good, but watchable.

270) House AKA Hausu (1977) ***: Like anyone who’s ever seen this film, I was pretty floored. The story of a bunch of school girl’s going on vacation at this spooky mansion is secondary, as what makes the film so engaging its unhinged effects, set design and general look. It’s kind of like a really warped, psychedelic, Japanese version of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, or maybe a Saturday morning kid’s show version of Evil Dead. I don’t know, I mean, I see A LOT of “weird” movies, so it takes a lot for one to really stick, and this one here is definitely some “must see” cinema.

271) Bloodsucker Leads the Dance () *: Kind of dull Italian horror story about a pack of thespians who, on their final day performing together, get invited at a unit to come entertain a count at a creepy old castle. You can pretty much guess where this one leads. Nothing really sticks out with this one, pretty “bog standard” Euro horror stuff, but watchable nonetheless.

272) Criminally Insane (1975) **: Great flick that manages to bring a really low rent Paul Morrissey/John Waters vibe while still working as a “straight forward” 70’s exploitation piece. In other words, it doesn’t get too far off the rails in its portrayal of sleazy realism, but it’s definitely weirder than your average drive in faire.

273) The Outing (1987) *: Cornball slasher about an evil genie, and the unfortunate pack of random teenagers trapped in the museum made to suffer its wrath. The effects are fairly sophisticated for this sort of thing, and the film adequately delivers in the gore/death scene department. Decent, watchable late 80’s slasher, straight up and down.

274) The Whip and The Body (1963) ***: Love this movie. LOVE IT. Possibly my favorite Bava flick, and I fucking LOVE most of his movies, so that’s saying a lot. The basic plot goes that this sadistic aristocrat (Christopher Lee) returns home and starts riling up the placid life of his brother and his wife, whom the sadist used to have a thing with before she was married. The story takes a supernatural turn after the sadist is found dead, and his ghost continues to terrorize the homestead, particularly his ex-lover/brother’s wife. Like most of Bava’s flicks, the atmosphere is captured masterfully, and visually this is pure bliss, start to finish. The S&M stuff is particularly evocative and not really handled as exploitatively as you might imagine. Powerful stuff.

275) The Beast Must Die (1974) **: Decent little horror/mystery number revolving around a bunch of people from various walks of life cooped up in a mansion, Clue style, with the premise later revealed that one of them is, in fact, a werewolf. It’s British, so expect a bit of class and some decent acting.

276) Mighty Peking Man (1977) **: Enjoyable and kind of bizarre Hong Kong monster flick, very much on the King Kong tip. Basically, this babe gets stranded on an island, befriends a giant monkey, who protects her on the island, but then when civilization comes looking for the girl, they take the giant ape with them and shit starts poppin’ off. There’s a very cool Saturday morning Technicolor overload look to this film which makes it quite entertaining. Good lite entertainment if that’s what you’re after.

277) Dak Bangla (1987) **: Here’s a Ramsay family “Bollywood horror” flick not yet re-released by Mondo Macabro, but hopefully they get to it soon, ‘cause the boot I saw didn’t have subtitles. I mean, it’s not like you REALLY need subtitles to enjoy these flicks, ‘cause it’s really more about the fun music, and just taking in the kind of screwball take on horror these flicks offer, but obviously it’d be nice to know what’s going on beyond “Oh, there’s a mummy…And now they’re dancing.” Still pretty enjoyable, though.

279) Mansion De Las Vivantes (1985) *: I dunno, these 2nd tier Franco flicks are all kind of becoming indistinguishable at this point.

279) Sexo Sangriento (1981) *: Extremely lurid Spanish horror. Basically, three gals on vacation (?) stay in a house with a crazy lady and bad stuff happens. Fairly typical Euro sleaze, memorable pretty much only for the copious nudity and sewing-needle-up-the-vajay scene. Eh, there are worse things to be remembered for.

280) Born of Fire (1983) zilch: Pretentious, “surreal,” “erotic,” artsy shit. Basically just made me irritable.

281) Creature w/ The Blue Hand (1967) n/a: Man, I don’t remember this one at all.

282) Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) **: This one’s kind of odd, because I always hear it referred to as a “spoof,” but the humor was lost on me, I guess. It really just reminded me of a Hammer style horror flick. I know it’s a Polanski flick and all, but I dunno, like I said, I didn’t really see anything too special in this.

283) The Shrieker (1998) zilch: Another instance of not really knowing why I bothered watching something in the first place. More Full Moon garbage. The “making of” segment that runs in the beginning of the film that completely gives away the movie was kind of chuckle worthy, though.

284) Donnie Darko (2001) zilch: I saw this flick when it came out on video, before it had the Hot Topic stigma it does now, and at the time I thought it was crap. Figuring enough time had passed, and being in a position to watch it again, I gave it another spin, and I think I like it less now than I did then. Absurdly embarrassing dialogue, hokey “FUCK. HAPPY” themes, BAAAAD CGI…I mean, really, what IS there to like about this film? I’ll give it the non-linear way the story is revealed is kind of interesting, but the look and tone of the film is just so mired in that cutesy/creepy, low rent Tim Burton DeRaNgEd quality that it makes me want to kick in the fucking TV screen. Of all the crap that I watch it really takes something this pretentious to REALLY make me angry.

285) Black Magic Terror AKA Queen of Black Magic (1979) **: Holy shit, this was made in ’79? Some of the effects are surprisingly tasteless (in a good way) for the ‘70’s, especially considering this was a Hong Kong flick. The story of this flick revolves around a woman who loses her virginity to this dude on the promise of marriage. He bails on her and marries some other chick, causing the first one to attempt suicide. This misanthropic hermit intervenes and teaches her the black magic skills she needs to reap her (and his) vengeance on the fiend who spurned her and her village as a whole. It’s honestly pretty damn good. Horror movies like this, where the appeal is more their “exotic” factor than content are often pretty damn boring, and are interesting more from the perspective of a genre curio than an enjoyable film, but that’s not the case with this flick, which manages to be very entertaining throughout.

286) Demonic Toys (1992) zilch
287) Demonic Toys vs. Dollman (1993) zilch: Yeah, I don’t really know why I do this to myself either. What next, a Puppet Master marathon *shiver*.

288) Night Terrors (1993) *: Eh, by now you should know that these post-Hellraiser attempts to sculpt “adult” horror by blending eroticism and hackneyed surrealism just don’t work for me. This shit was rampant in the early 90’s, and could probably comprise of a legitimate subgenre if anyone actually enjoyed watching these type of movies enough to put the effort into cataloguing them. Oh, and of course Tobe Hooper is attached to this, as well as Robert Englund, and if you put those two together and take into account when this was made, you should know you’re in for trouble.

The rest of 2008 Pt. I

2009-08-31T00:37:00.001-07:00

116) Nekromantik (1987) **
117) Nekromantik 2 (1991) **: Well, not sure what to say about these two…No, really, I’m kind of at a loss for words. I did really enjoy these flicks, though. There’s a great somber, melodramatic (in a good way) tone throughout, which definitely exceeded my expectations, as generally the only people who talk about movies are “fucked up shit” types (there’s plenty of that, too), so thankfully there’s more to these movies than “shocking” imagery . Am I a bad person if I only had to cringe during the animal processing scenes?

118) Scream 3 (2000) zilch: Gone doggin.’

119) Faust: Love of the Damned (2000) *: On the surface: shitty Spawn knock off. After digging deeper? Shitty spawn knockoff with special effects by the mighty Screaming Mad George! That definitely makes any movie worth watching, in my book, but don’t sweat the rest of the flick too much, it’ll ruin the good stuff.

120) Mutilator (1986) *: Pretty much a textbook slasher which shows how far some decent death scenes can take you. Plotwise, you got a bunch of teenagers at a beach house getting picked off one by one with a variety of creative weapons (I told you this was textbook, didn’t I?), including most notoriously a fish hook up a gals hoo hah. Let it never be said that Vestron didn’t know how to pick the classy ones.

121) Vampyros Lesbos (1971) **: I always heard this title thrown around, so I assumed it would be one of the better Franco flicks, but I found this one to be pretty average. I should probably give it some more attention down the line, but as far as languid, dreamy vampire stuff goes, I’ll take Female Vampire, thanks.

122) Bloody Moon (1981) *: Well, I like slashers, I like Jess Franco, but a Jess Franco slasher? Sounded like a good idea, but it didn’t take long into actually watching the movie that I realized my favorite Franco flicks are when he’s doing the exact opposite of a slasher, so no wonder this one didn’t really work for me. There are only shades of Franco’s atmosphere at play, and the death scenes are way too restrained to make this kind of a picture work, so really it ends up being the worst of both worlds. Oh well, another one of his flicks to cross off the list.

123) Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980) **: Oh what, just ‘cause blood & sleazefests are my cinematic bread and butter I can’t enjoy a decent made for TV kiddie Halloween flick with a young Goldblum at the helm? Really though, this is a surprisingly decent version of the story and I’d definitely watch this before that old queen Tim Burton’s version, yechhh.

124) Dead Girls (1990) *: Trying to get over the death of one of their band mates, the rock group “The Dead Girls” decide it’s best to take a sabbatical in the woods for awhile. And why not? It’s 1990, the slasher craze is on it’s way out, things should work out alright…Well, what do you think happens next? Yep, they start getting picked off one by one. This one’s a little late to the game, but I can name a lot of much better known flicks from about 5 years earlier that were way worse than this. Great death scenes, some tna, and of course all the cheese that comes with an all girl death rock group in a horror movie.

125) Satan’s Blade (1984) **: Well, I went into this expecting some full blown SOV retardation, 555 style, but there’s actually a lot of character to this low budget obscurity to raise it above the dregs. Actually, if you’re expecting cheese and over-the-top gore, you’re sure to be disappointed, as the nudity’s kept to a minimum, and the death scenes are pretty sub par, but there are these weird elements like “plot,” and “dialogue,” I think they call it, that kept me pretty engaged throughout. I mean, obviously no one’s reinventing the wheel with this one; you got a cursed knife that possesses its holder into doing evil, some cabins in the woods, a body count (body motherfuckin’ count), so it’s nothing too new, but there’s a weird dichotomy between the married couple cabin and single college girl cabin at play, and for whatever reason I found myself kind of warming up the to characters more than I usually do in these movies. Yeah, I’d say it’s definitely worth a watch or three.

126) Act of Vengeance (1974) **: Fairly absurd number about a rapist who makes his victims sing “Jingle Bells” while doing the deed. Yes, the guy wears a hockey mask a’la Jason and a jumpsuit a’la Michael Myers, but if you’re looking for a proto-slasher this ain’t exactly it, as the film takes more of a movie of the week approach to a typical 70’s exploitation rape/revenge motif. With its over acting and crude caricatures, you’ll find yourself longing for Italo sleazefests where rape is simply eroticized, and not treated like an after school special. I keep drawing comparisons to made for TV movies, but fear not exploitation hounds, there’s enough, uh, “visceral imagery” to keep this out of PG territory, and overall, despite the grossly inappropriate tone in relation to the subject matter, this is an enjoyable movie, even if it is, y’know…INCREDIBLY stupid.

127) Night After Halloween AKA Snapshot (1979) **: Another one I found myself enjoying and reflecting upon more than I probably should. At base you have a standard twist-and-turn giallo, UK style (read: sans excessive gore/nudity), revolving around a young woman trying to find her way in the world as a hair dresser, and then a model/bohemian. This obsessive dude from her “old life” keeps sweatin’ her, which of course makes him a prime suspect in the murders that start popping up around our protagonist. I dunno, maybe I was just in the mood for a flick like this, but it worked for me quite a bit.

128) House of Terror AKA Kidnapped Coed (1976) ***: I liked this movie quite a bit. It’s a nice Stockholm Syndrome themed piece with a kidnapped girl warming up to her kidnapper. The only way to make these flicks work is if you find yourself warming up to the abductor in the same way as the victim, and Friedel thankfully knows how to sculpt a character. This is a prime example of the kind of low-key, dialogue driven, American exploitation that instantly clicks with me every time. This and Friedel’s other flick, Lisa, Lisa are absolutely essential viewing if you’re into that sort of thing.

129) Horror Hospital (1973) **: Man do I ever have a soft spot for psych-sploitation 70’s British horror…Well, I guess the only other flick I’ve seen that really fits that description would be the mighty Psychomania, which of course I had on my mind the entire time watching this little gem. There’s some corny plot about a dude getting kicked out of his rock band and going to a spa for “young people” to get his head straight, but the place turns out to be some kind of zombie factory or something, and then it’s up to him and some dame he met there to escape! Yeah, really cutting edge stuff, but the real charm, of course, comes from the attempt at being “hip” and “with it” or whatever. The midgets, nudity, and ultra cool zombie factory police in biker helmets don’t hurt, either. Great Gorgon Video release with killer clamshell art.

130) Frightmare (1983) *: Some no good kids get a hair up their ass to hijack the dead body of a Vincent Price-esque golden age horror movie star, and shenanigans ensue. Lite entertainment all the way here, so lite it’s not a stretch to call this a waste of time.

131) Love Thrill Murders (1971) **: Ah, Mansonsploitation, one of the tackiest and groan educing sub genre that exists. It’s all here folks, drugged out hippy orgies, bearded cult leaders, mingling with the straights and the inevitable massacre that follows. I guess Bloodsucking Freaks, another 70’s flick Troma’s managed to keep in circulation isn’t too far off of a comparison as far as hamfisted but effective entertainment is concerned.

132) Aliens (1986) ***: Been so long since I’ve seen this, I might as well have never seen it at all. I saw the first flick recently, and was kind of underwhelmed, but this one makes a lot more sense to me. The visuals are what really grabs me when I watch it now, but I don’t think I really have much to say about any of these flicks that hasn’t been said better elsewhere.

133) Fatal Pulse (1988) *: Another 80’s slasher obscurity. Of course you got your borderline bdsm death scenes, tna, all the goodies, but what’ll undoubtedly stick to your ribs is the fact that the film makers insisted on inserting this “booOOooing” sound effect everytime the party dude character (name escapes me) comes on screen. Okay, at first it’s fine, they’re college kids, he’s the whaaacky sidekick, why not have a sound effect introduce him, but they do this EVERY TIME he comes on screen, and no s***, at one point the protagonist and the girl who doesn’t get killed are having this serious discussion about all the murders, and how she just lost her friend and all that, and yep “BOOOOOOING,” it’s PARTY DUDE MGEE, HE’S IN THIS SCENE NOW! Seriously, hats off guys, stuff like that is pretty much the reason I watch movies. Another fine CELEBRITY VIDEO release.

134) Cheerleader Camp (1987) *: Seminal 80’s schlock fest. You kinda know what you’re getting into with this one, so it’s not like you can fault it for being what it is, which is a teen oriented typical slasher with healthy servings of camp and tna.

135) Monkey Shines (1988) **: Fairly middle of the road venture about a runner who gets hit by a car and becomes paralyzed, then gets a lab monkey from his scientist friend. Either through the lab chemicals or the trauma of the accident, the guy and monkey form this symbiotic relationship, which is more confusing than creepy. Then the guy hits it off with a chick, the monkey gets jealous, and then it’s bad news for everyone. There’s some attempt to address man’s “primitive” nature and all that, but like I said, this is so adult (yuppie, even) oriented that nothing’s really visceral enough to leave much of an impact.

136) Link (1986) zilch: Anthropologist studies apes. Wide eyed student gets hired to help the anthropologist. Apes off the anthropologist and now it’s student vs. monkey in a dusty mansion survival match to the death. For a “thriller” it’s not quite thrilling, and it goes on for way too long. I dunno, just an overall snooze fest, unless you’re just dying to see an ape chase a chick around a house for 100 minutes.

137) Twice Dead (1988) *: A family in a financial bind inherits a house from a relative, but when they arrive they find the place overrun with bad kids, just lousy with a rag-tag group of punks trying their hardest to do their best Lost Boys impression (sans vampirism, of course). The family decides to hold its ground, but most of the fighting is done by their teenage son who defends their homestead the best way he knows how: BOOBY TRAPS! But these traps are set up to SCAAAAAAARE the ruthless street hoodlums into leaving their house alone. A series of far fetched near escapes goes down, some peripheral characters get offed in the process, you know the deal…Some supernatural fuelled death scenes get tacked on at the end for the flick to qualify as horror, but then a gajillion fake endings just make you feel insulted. Not a bad time waster, but you’re better off playing Tetris.

138) The Power (1984) zilch: Your standard “ancient artifact brings out murderous rage in unsuspecting victim” motif. Some okay death scenes scattered throughout, but nothing that quite makes up for all the down time.

139) Hide and Go Shriek (1988) *: Tediously generic slasher in which some teens spend the night in an old warehouse and get picked off one by one. Enough sex and cheesy acting to keep genre fans sedate, but some better death scenes could have provided some much needed grit and ugliness.

140) The Confessional (1976) *: My confession? I spaced out for most of this. It’s hard to keep some of these british numbers straight if you’re not in the mood, and this one’s pretty dry. I can’t really say this was BAD, bad, but I doubt I’ll be putting in the time for a rewatch anytime soon.

141) The Demon (1979) zilch: Ugh, SO fucking convoluted. This starts out as a psychic detective kind of flick, but the victims of the killer are too random for that to go on for very long, and the movie never quite reaches slasher pace. Some nudity and a decent enough climax makes for something I guess, bug everything that goes on up until then is just a waste of your time.

142) Deadly Sunday (1982) **: I found this obscurity to be quite refreshing. A family wanders into a stickup and the pack of criminals (who outnumber the hostages it seems) create a climate of fear for about 90 minutes or so. There’s kind of an inept Dog Day Afternoon feel, but I really appreciate the real time aspect of the film more than anything. And the fact that you’re in the process of a crime with no reprieve, no police negotiations, no external subplot, just this holdup from the beginning to end of the movie does create a somewhat unsettling atmosphere. Of course the characters are more like caricatures, and most of the attempts to give the gunmen any depth, such as the pathetic rape sequence just feel forced and tacked on. But still, for an independent film with minimal cast and location they manage to make the film work. Definitely worth checking out if you’re in the mood for some barebones exploitation.

143) Dance or Die (1987) *: Fucking MIND NUMBING shot on video stupidity here. Prime example of Chinese menu , mix-and-match style premise. “Uh, you got a…Recovering coke addict with a…Dance troupe in…Las Vegas!” Aaaaand, script. Like, so much stupid shit goes down that has nothing to do with acting, budget, film quality, or whatever…Such as naming the criminal you’re supposed to be living in fear of “Turtle.” I think this is supposed to be a “thriller” or something, but I can’t imagine anyone who’s not into zilch budget horror and shitty movies in general getting any sort of kick out of this. It’s absurdity does make for an unintentionally very watchable flick, though, I must say.

144) Initiation of Sarah (1978) *: Pretty good for a made fro TV number, kind of a mash up of Carrie and…Oh, no, I guess that’s it, just a straight Carrie knockoff. Awkward girl with vaguely evil psychic powers goes to college with her cool sister and has to face the realities of sorority culture and all that. Like I said, this is made for TV, complete with spots for commercial breaks, but you could do worse as far as these flicks go. Still basically not worth watching, though

145) Omen IV (1991) *: Another made for TV joint, but it plays like an average straight to video number. Kind of jumbles the plots of Omen and Omen II, with the parents suspecting their daughter (yeah, a girl this time, TWIST!) of nogoodery as they see her mature, and the daughter doing the jealous routine of the first Omen. They try to make it all grand scale by the end, though, but you can still tell where these chips are gonna fall. Really, outside of some themes, there’s nothing technique-wise which makes this horror, and you could get this mistaken with a Problem Child sequel with the TERRIBLE score (I swear I hear swipes from Batman The Animated Series pop up here and there) and all little kids being bad. Basically just a typical, mildly entertaining movie, which I guess is the point of these made for TV joints, so there you go.

146) Name For Evil (1973) zilch: Yeah, you gotta work pretty hard to make a flick centering around some yuppies dropping out and moving to a haunted grove and having orgies in the woods and have it be this boring, but yes, they do manage to pull it off. Basically you got a typical “GET OUT” style haunted house flick with this hippie “back to nature” stuff tacked on which just makes for a confused and tedious venture. Unless you get off on nudist footage, I’d just sit this out out.

147) The Last Slumber Party (1988) zilch: No, not even the titillating title and promise of “MUSIC BY FIRSTRYKE (sic)” on the cover could save this one. In all fairness I was watching it on a beat to hell exrental that was cutting in and out like nobody’s biz, but for a shot on video schlock fest this falls way short of the grizzly death and gawdy nude scenes you come to expect from the best of these films. The excessive homophobic slurs was, uh, at least unexpected, but when a bunch of “f bombs” are most noteworthy aspects of a film, you know you’re in trouble.

148) Prom Night II (1987) *: The first one’s boring, the third one’s at least “fun” with its campiness and “80’s” teen factor, so I guess it’s only logical that the 2nd in the series is a middle, even more boring ground between the two. Think the kids who weren’t cool enough to get Saturday school in The Breakfast Club doing nothing with a ghost story in the background. Creepy animatronic carousel horse, at least.

149) Gates of Hell (1980) ***: One of the few Fulci films that just floored me right out the gate. The visuals and effects are perfect, the film has tons of eerie sounds, and an all around great atmosphere. When the man nails it, he fucking nails it, and this flick is definitely Fulci nailing it.

150) Satan’s Touch (1984) zilch: Alright folks we’re nearing the bottom, the point in which you get done watching the movie and just go “Jesus, what am I doing with my life?” Forget Salo, forget those blahblahblah of Death videos, it’s this mindless SOV retardation that’ll make you hate yourself for your obsession with crappy flicks. Like, just ignore the amazing cover art/title, because that might have you thinking this is remotely good, or, you know, based in horror in anyways. What you really get is a Tales from the Crypt…No, Darkside…No, GOOSEBUMPS style premise about the devil who “curses” this non-believer with the ability to NEVER lose a bet when he goes to Vegas. The mess lumbers on for 86 minutes, in which time you’ll have lost track of time from pummeling yourself in the face with your own fists. This might just be the only time in the history of people talking about movies that anyone has every compared anything to Night Train to Terror, but even then I feel like that’s dragging the Night Train’s fine name through the mud. I mean, honestly, as a fan of schlock I lap up bad acting, loose plots, and just the general DIY spirit in genre pictures, but this one just weighed me down with all these questions, like, in the back of their mind were the film makers thinking this would be their way into the film industry? How many people have ever even seen or heard of this movie? How messed up is my life when I get to the point where I just sit down and finish a movie like this start to finish? Y’know, I’m not sure I can say for certain any other movie has opened up as many questions about my world as this one has.

151) Warhol’s Dracula (1974) ***: Yo, I fucking LOVE Paul Morrissey flicks, and I dug his Frankenstein quite a bit, so no surprise that I dug this one too. It’s erotic, it’s lavish, it’s garish, what else could you ask for? I mean, I will say what I like this guy’s flicks most for is their realism, so the “film and see what happens” approach, to, say, Trash feels kind of restricted when it’s applied to genre, but what can you do. This and Frankenstein were obviously experiments, and I think they succeed greatly in what they go for.

152) Revenge of the Radioactive Reporter (1990) *: A Troma ripoff that manages to be slightly more coherent than what Troma was doing at the time. Don’t worry, it’s still absurd enough to live up to the title…Maybe not the cover art though, that thing is beautiful!

153) Day of the Maniac (1972) *: Hmmm, can’t say I remember much of this one. It seems to be a fairly well respected giallo, though. You might also know the title as All The Colors of the Dark.

154) Deathship (1980) *: Well, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for how good a haaaunted ship movie can be, and I’m not saying this quite gets there even, but overall it still ain’t a bad watch (and I should also note that haunted ANYTHING movies have a tendency to bore me to tears). The blood shower scene is obviously the winner for me

155) The Alien Dead (1980) **: “That meteor didn’t kill those people, it turned them into goddamn monsters!” Well, there you have it. Alien Dead is a thoroughly entertaining, zilch budget Floridian NOTLD homage with some local yokel flavor. It’s pure mindless bliss, but if you can’t get behind “renegator” and a scene involving a dog eating his master’s guts segueing directly into banjo music, then you’re on your own.

156) Scared To Death (1981) *: I know I’ve seen this, but I seriously can’t remember anything about it. Something about a detective and an Alien? I dunno, these post-Alien alien flicks kind of blur together after awhile.

157) Warlock Moon (1975) **: You’re lucky you were made in ’75, Warlock Moon, ‘cause if shit didn’t look so cool during this era, and there wasn’t such a higher standard for exploitation than, say, 10 years later, you’d be pretty boring. As it stands, I can hang, but the nuts and bolts of the movie aren’t particularly outstanding. There’s some endearing acting, good locations, and enough general care put into the flick to make it worth watching, though.

158) Bloody Wednesday (1985) zilch: “In 1 hour and 26 minutes 35 people will lose their lives!” Wow, Prism really knew how to sell people on their vids back in the day, did they not? Catching a bit of a Taxi Driver style bleak urban vibe from this, but y’know, not pulled off well enough to make this a legitimate movie or anything.

159) Blood Tide (1982) ***: I liked this movie a lot. It’s really more of a study of the extremely engrossing characters than a monster movie, which is probably why I can remember more about James Earl Jone’s relationship with his girlfriend than what the monster who was terrorizing the Greek village looked like. Actually, I wouldn’t concern yourself too much with the nuts and bolts of this flick, other than it was a fairly mature film with great acting and some genuinely creepy moments. I might actually draw a comparison to The Wicker Man in the general tone, which is a great compliment in my book.

160) Crawlers (1990) zilch: Oh, hey, I thought this was just regular shitty, I didn’t realize Joe D’amato was at the helm! This is just a few notches below the production quality of, say, the average Full Moon picture (which is to say, a step up for D’amato), and unfortunately it’s just as boring and trite as those flicks. No skin, no good death scenes, really…I mean, we’re talking radioactive roots and there’s no graphic rape scene? For shame! I mean, if you like schlock and bad lines with worse deliver, by all means, but you could just as well watch any Sci-Fi Channel original production and get the same out of it.

161) Edge of Sanity (1989) **: I’m tempted to give this one three stars, ‘cause I did thoroughly enjoy the flick, but you have only Perkins to thank for making this one work, really. At base it’s an “edgy,” more “adult” retooling of the Jeckyll and Hyde motif, which, now that I type it, sounds pretty revolting, but there’s enough lurid sex, and again, A Perks to make this work, somehow.

162) Death in Hollywood (1980) zilch: Okay, this one’s not even ON IMDB, so what’s that tell you? The movie (?) is based on an eccentric relic from the Hollywood’s golden era staging a comeback by producing an adaptation of some book, and of course there’s a web of betrayal and intrigue and what have you. Seriously, I know this expression gets tossed around, but this is pretty much is THEE bottom of the barrel right here. Seriously, when you find yourself watching VECTOR HOME VIDEO presentations of teleplays it’s time to go outside, get some fresh air, smell the daisies and all that.

163) Howling II (1985) *: Two things I will always remember about this film: great head exploding scene, and suuuuper cheesy goth club graffiti with shit like “BAT CAVE” and “SPECIMEN” written on the walls. Definitely the most tolerable of the sequels, but still a waste of time.

164) Howling III (1987) zilch: I watched all these in one day, and the only notes I have on it are “baby wolf shapeshifters.” I’ll let you figure that one out.

165) Howling IV (1988) zilch: Fuck, these all kind of blended together after awhile. I think this one had some cool Satanic ritual stuff, and maybe a werewolf sex scene? Like I said, this stuff all blends together after awhile.

166) Howling V (1989) zilch: Ugh, only one more left, I’m almost free…

167) Howling VI (1991) zilch: Okay, they were kinda running out of steam by this one. Something about a bunch of circus freaks and a ghost town or something?

168) Summer Camp Nightmare (1987) *: Well, I guess this is more action than horror, but hey, it’s the 80’s, there’s a bunch of teenagers misbehavin’ in the woods, so it’s fair game as far as I’m concerned. This is more of a woodland Over The Edge, as a bunch of campers overthrow their camp and party…TEENAGER STYLE! After some dissent in the group and a rape trial (?!) it starts to resemble Lord of the Flies a bit more, but the highlight for me is, of course, the cover of Fear’s “Beef Bologna” which must be seen to be believed.

169) Bloodsuckers (1970) *: Can’t say I remember much of this, but I do remember some classy and swank 70’s Satanic rituals, which never hurts anything.

170) Flesh Feast (1970) zilch: Floridian exploitation piece. Pretty boring and overall worthless. Spoiler alert: The last shot is a decapitated Hitler head. Just throwing that out there.

171) Doctor Death (1973) *: I liked this movie, but I’m a sucker for malevolent characters hamming it up, and the “Doctor Death” of the title has a heavy Wizard of Gore vibe. That should tip you off that despite coming out in the heyday of low key horror/exploitation with a distinctly “modern” feel, the good doctor chooses to take us back into 60’s b-movie territory, but with some updated blood n’ gore. Also worth noting that this is Moe from 3 Stooges last role!

172) Doctor Doom (1963) *
173) New Invisible Man (1958) *
174) Spiritism (1962) **
175) Curse of the Doll people (1961) *:
176) Curse of the Crying Woman **: These were all part of this cheapo six movie Mexican horror set (I had already seen Night of the Bloody Apes). I lined ‘em up in a row, so obviously there’s a lot of blurring together, but I found them all to be slightly above par drive-in faire. Considering the year they were all produced, obviously these are a bit tame for my tastes, but I do like me some shadows and fog and spooky atmospheric stuff, and a lot of these (especially Spiritism) delivered in spades. These definitely weren’t as good as some of the Something Weird Mexi-horror vids I’ve seen, but you definitely gotta be willing to take the good with the bad with this stuff.

177) Igor + The Lunatics (60’s/80’s) zilch: I guess this one started in the 60’s and didn’t get finished ‘til the 80’s, and the results are about exactly as strewn together as you might imagine. Seriously, I watched it all the way through and I’m still lost.

178) Night of the Zombies (1980) zilch: Boring as shit nazi zombie flick. Nothing more worth saying, this is just a tremendous piece of shit.

179) Schizo (1976) *: Typically restrained brit-horror faire with giallo overtones based around a woman on the run from the man who she thinks killed her mother. Of course there’s a bunch of twists and turns and a shock ending with a lot of nudity thrown in for good measure, which of course translates to a pretty entertaining flick.

180) Summer Camp Nightmare (1987) *: Well, with a name like that, obviously you want a dummy slasher, but this is an okay action-ish flick that’s kind of a play on the Lord of the Flies motif…Except with a band covering Fear songs. And a weird rape subplot. Eh, you can sit through it pretty easily.

181) Bloodsuckers (1970) n/a: Shit, I know this one had something to do with…Vampires? A rich family? I dunno, this one’s a blur to me.

182) Evil Ed (1995) zilch: Shitty straight to video Swedish import. Nothing really redeeming about this flick about a film editor who goes crazy editing violent horror flicks. Just pure crap.

183) House on Sorority Row (1983) *: Okay, what’s with this cover art? It looks like the cover of a coming of age romance novel or something. So great. I guess you could call this a slasher, I mean, you got a bunch of girls misbehaving in a house getting mysteriously picked off, so there’s not much else you’d call it. At least there’s a somewhat interesting plot revolving around the accidental murder of the uptight denmother.

184) Invitation to Hell (1984) **: Lite, made-for-TV schlock that’s actually pretty entertaining. I mean, Susan Lucci as the devil, are you gonna put that down? How about a dude in an astronaut suit wandering around hell? This is definitely 80’s cheese, but it’s fun enough to get me past the general “PG-dom” of made for TV horror.

185) Bloodlink (1982) **: This one’s not on DVD, which is weird, ‘cause it’s kind of a, y’know, real movie and all. I mean, when Michael Moriarty wants to play a cool character, the man can pull it off like none other, so he pretty much makes this instantly likeable, and makes you forget you’re watching a “psychological thriller” based around an evil twin motif. Yeah, there’re ridiculous plot holes and leaps of faith you take, but like I said, when you’re sucked in by Moriarty’s charm, it’s all water under the bridge. Great flick, for sure.

186) Keep My Grave Open (1976) ***: Ooooh, now this one I liked. Good case study on some nutty dame who’s fresh out of the asylum and going stir crazy in her spooky rural house. This plays like a less lurid, Americanized version of the best Jess Franco work, especially the scene where the woman applies the makeup and the camera just brings you uncomfortably close to the subject, which puts a completely different spin on the ritual. Honestly, there’s a lot more depth and atmosphere to this flick than you might expect to get from an obscure drive in picture, and I found myself getting really sucked in.

187) Devilfish (1984) *: Not just an Italian Jaws clone, but a LAMBERTO BAVA Jaws clone! You get a pretty much nonsensical plot, some decent looking girls, and of course oodles of schlock.

188) Dracula (1931) ***: Hey now, can’t beat the real thing, huh? Took me long enough, but I finally got down to watching the original ’31 version of Dracula, and it definitely holds up even after my mind’s been fully saturated with all the various mutations over the years. I dunno, I hate talking about these super classy numbers, but I do enjoy watching them on the few instances I can pull my mind out of the gutter.

189) Alabama’s Ghost (1973) ***: You don’t often hear this film’s name without the phrase “absurd” or “surreal” close behind, and probably for good reason. There’s a very post-psychedelic feel to the movie, with a heavy Robert Downey Sr. vibe (Putney Swope comes to mind), with a bit of Dr. Strangelove, and the Paul Morrissey/Mike Kuchar approach of deconstructing/reassembling American b-movie cinema. The plot has something to do with an aspiring nightclub entertainer coming across a dead magician’s stash and becoming a sort of counter culture icon through his newfound magic tricks, but you’ll probably be too absorbed with crazy visuals, cheap gags and bizarre film techniques to really worry too much about the plot details. Fairly heady stuff for sure, but it’s that rare breed of film that can appeal to both exploitation junkie and art house aficionado, so you’d be doing yourself a great disservice to miss this one. And as an added bonus this one’s hosted by Elvira. The box has been cut up to fit the case, though.

190) The Thirsty Dead (1974) *: This one’s shot in the Philippines and centers around a cult that abducts buxom babes and saps their fluids. It’s a Technicolor nightmare

191) Holy Terror (2002) zilch: Shit-fi digital camera turd revolving around…I dunno, some possession nonsense. I THINK there was boobs in this, but obviously not enough or of high enough quality to remember. Even if you’re like me and dig these DIY efforts on principle and for their ineptitude, this one’s a pass.

192) Black Demons (1991) **: Hmmm, I can’t recall ever being really impressed with an Umberto Lenzi flick (and yeah, I’ve seen his cannibal stuff), so I was surprised that this flick kept me engaged throughout, especially for coming out so late in the game. The one revolves around some tourists who get caught in the middle

193) Horror of Spider Island (1960) *: Schlocky as hell drive in stuff about some pin-up girl looking models stranded on an island for some reason, frolicking and being picked off by spider monsters. It’s typical b-move cheese, but I was able to sit through it all the way.

194) Bloody Pit of Horror (1965) *: Eh, adequate sub-Bava, Italian “killer-in-the-castle” flick. The killer looks corny/cool, and it’s all all around decent b-movie. Nothing to go crazy over, though.

195) The Dark (2005) zilch: Eh, this came on TV, figured I’d give it a whirl. Crap modern “psychological thriller” that plays with the not-at-all-tired “woman no one believes, but turns out to be right all along” premise.

196) Straight Jacket (1982) *: 1982, that’s way too late for this to be this cheeseball…Anyways, this one has a made-for-TV thriller vibe, and follows this really weak story about a woman who (gasp) used to be an alcoholic, and her asshole insurance agent husband who won’t let her forget it. They move into some shitty house, and she has these psychic visions of a murder that took place there a long time ago. She somehow gets one of the ex-cops who worked the unsolved murder case involved in the fiasco, and manages to have nothing interesting happen the entire movie. Somehow I sat through this shit, and it was kind of watchable in its own, retarded way, but it’s still incessantly stupid.

197) Slaughterhouse (1987) *: “SHIT YOU GUYS!” Decent slasher that following a the retard with a meat cleaver on the video cover killing people ‘cause his dad/uncle/whatever’s slaughterhouse is closing down. A minor entry into the rural creep genre, but an entry nonetheless.

198) Terror Creatures From The Grave (1965) n/a: Can’t remember this one for the life of me.

199) California Axe Massacre AKA Lisa, Lisa (1977) ***: Short, but very to the point flick about some bank robbers on the run, who hide out in an unsuspecting farmhouse. The only residents of the house are a catatonic old man, and Lisa, presumably the man’s granddaughter, who takes care of him. When you have a young woman and three criminals shacked up in a house for the duration of a film, there’s always this tension that SOMETHING is going to happen, but thankfully the film never goes the obvious route, and between the father, staring silently at the television, and the few words spoken by Lisa throughout the film, it’s really up to the viewer to pick up on all the undertones. The film is extremely subtle, but far from dull. With just a hair over an hour’s worth of actual film, there’s really not much down time to be had, anyways. This is an excellent film, masterfully crafted, and definitely worth checking out.

200) Massacre At Central High (1976) **: There’s a very proto-Heathers plot where a new kid comes into a school and doesn’t feel like going with the heirchy of bullydom, and when the bullies try to hammer down the nail that sticks out, the nail gets back by offing all the bullies, but then the film gets REALLY interesting when the once subservient student body starts acting just as bad as the bullies. You might ask “where are the adults when all this is happening?” Well, you might be a jerk, ‘cause who cares? The social allegory about the students needing leadership, even at the hands of bullies is kinda corny, but you also have to hand it to ‘em for at least TRYING to elevate what’s basically a typical revenge/slasher number and taking a left turn half way through instead of just dragging out the bully slayings to fill up the full 90 minutes. This is actually a really cool, enjoyable movie.

Febuary through June 2008

2008-06-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

30) Phantasm (1979) ***: You know I never gave this flick a shot until now? I guess it was seeing the video store shelves cluttered with sequels that for whatever reason put me off, but man, this one’s a scorcher! Basically there’s a mortician reviving the dead and putting them up to no good, but they kick it up a notch when they reveal the mortician guy’s motives. THE scene with the crazy ball thing is an incredibly sophisticated kill scene, especially for ‘79, and I was just really caught off guard by how overall engrossing and competent this flick is. I don’t know if Phantasm’s underrated or I’m retarded for not paying more attention, but I’ll be taking this one for another spin real soon.

31) Sleepaway Camp (1983) ***: Here’s a cult classic that really lives up to its status, and if the last scene is all you can remember about his one, you’re definitely due for a refreshment viewing. I never really noticed the weirdo sexual overtones and puberty theme at play, probably because the last time I saw this I was in the throes of puberty myself, but that stuff adds a great element to an already competent slasher. Pure entertainment.

32) Crazy Fat Ethyl: Criminally Insane 2 (1987) zilch: I’ll admit that I’m at times a little too lenient with these shot on video efforts, but man, even I can’t hang with this number. Granted, there are plenty of cringe worthy bursts of ineptitude, but the problem here lies in the splicing of the SOV footage from ’87 with hefty doses (like, probably 1/3 of the film’s running time) of the ‘75 original. I guess it does sort of have a punishingly incoherent, borderline surreal quality to it, but the film’s still probably closer to tedious than anything you’d want to watch.

33) Tales from the Crypt (1972) *: British anthology number revolving around a group of people in a weird purgatory type situation sitting around hearing the story of how they got theirs. That may or may not have been a “spoiler,” but whatever, as usual the pleasures from these movies come more from the twists of the individual chapters than the main plot. I’ll admit I kinda spaced out during large chunks of this flick, as I’m wont to do during these straight Brit horror numbers, but the razorblade lined tight hallway scene had me wincing for sure.

34) Skinned Alive (1989) *: Here’s a shot on video zilch budget slasher that relies heavily on a quasi-incestuous serial killing family who insist on delivering a barrage of FULL VOLUME DIALOGUE AT ALL TIMES that would make you think Rob Zombie was at the helm…You know, if the movie was like, way gayer. There’re some lines that are full blown SCORCHERS, though, just total jaw dropping what the fuck moments, and the death scenes are about what you’d expect from an SOV flick. Nothing worth hunting down, really, but I might watch this again at some point.

35) Frozen Scream (1975) *: I watched this a few weeks before getting Nightmare USA, a killer read that suggests, in part, you should treat this movie as a piece of psychedelic surrealism, as if the film portrays an alternate world where people REALLY ACT like this, and sort of look past all the “mad scientist freezing people and turning them into zombies” junk…Well, I guess I’ll accept your challenge somewhere down the line Stephen Thrower, because on first viewing this flick’s fairly typical drive-in fair with an ill shoestring ambient soundtrack that’s just a smidge too lite on the blood n’ tits to particularly move me. I’m willing to give it another shot though, but only because homeboy put the challenge out there.

36) Cemetary Man AKA Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) ***: Wow, here’s a thoroughly enjoyable stylistic horror flick with lots of intriguing characters and surreal passages to keep the viewer enthralled start to finish. I’m usually quick to dismiss the more stylistic flicks, as the bells and whistles tend to lose their charm over time when the style outweighs the substance, but I’m gonna jump the gun and give this one an enthusiastic three stars with hopes this film turns out to be more of an Evil Dead (a stylistic horror film that holds up to multiple viewings through the years) than a From Dusk ‘Til Dawn (which does not).

37) Love Butcher (1975) **: At this point I’m used to, and essentially anticipate inept acting, special effects, dialogue, but this is one of those rare films where the jaw dropping moments come more by way of basic story arch issues than any justifiable budget constraint. If you’re reading this write up, you already know I’m not a stickler for cinematic rules, but I just couldn’t believe the twist this flick’s story took. I mean, the premise is fairly standard, you have this killer with a split personality: by day he’s a mistreated physically and mentally crippled gardener, and by night he assumes the role of accent feigning playboy who seduces then kills the same housewives who browbeat his gardener persona with various implements. SPOILER ALERT (REALLY): They spend a considerable chunk of the film developing the relationship between the journalist who’s “hot on the case” of this sadistic killer and his under attended fiancée. It’s your basic “you stay out of the way, reporter, this is police business” stuff. But then with about 20 minutes left on the clock when the journalist guy realizes not only who the killer is, but that he’s in the house with his fiancé, as the journalist rushes over to save her, he’s intercepted by the killer, and boom, dead. So you’re like, okay, it’s up to the wife to off this guy now, a revenge sort of thing, right? Nope, killer just offs the fiancé just the same. The killer walks away, gets hassled by the cops on the way home, gets out of THAT even…I really can’t tell watching this if the script goes this route to paint this bleak world that doesn’t bend to convention where the good guys win, or if the writer really just doesn’t know how stories are “supposed” to work. Like I said, every other part in the movie is purely conventional borderline hokum, so I don’t know, I’m leaving this one to you, but overall this is really enjoyable drive-in faire with enough carnage and skin to keep it on the right side of camp, even though there is a fill of hamming it up via the killer’s yokel gardener character.

38) Duck! The Carbine High Massacre (2000) zilch: Okay, yes this is a digital handheld camera shot nightmare with the most inane, dragged out scenes, lots of downtime, painfully bad execution on just about every level, but…Well, but nothing, that about sums it up, I guess. But I will say once that direct market delirium kicks in and your mind wanders from the movie and you’re just asking the hows and whys about the motivation of making this movie, and the private lives of everyone involved, it’s a great disorienting effect. Essentially what you have here is a bunch of 20 something Jerseyites spending their weekend making a zilch budget tactless exploitation film based on the Columbine shootings. I would LOVE to read the script for this nightmare, but I kind of refuse to believe there was one. All the “bad movie” staples are present, so going into the details of the unbelievable high school faculty, the absurdly forced “message” moments, and all the ridiculous caricatures of high school archetypes would just be tedious, but I’d be doing a great disservice to my readership if I didn’t take some time for my newest cinematic hero, KENDALL WARD. He’s been in all of one movie, and this is it, but man is it a doosie. His delivery of “The internet is for white folks. I don’t own a personal computer, nor do I care to own one” in “internet class” (the only class the students of Carbine High attend) is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Every moment this guy’s on screen is cinematic gold, and yes, actually makes watching this terrible, terrible movie worthwhile. To my surprise I actually saw a copy of this on DVD just sitting there in Fry’s. What the hell, there CAN’T be demand for this can there? The video I have doesn’t even have a fucking UPC code. But as easy as it is to dis it, I’m really glad movies like this exist. Talk as much about “underground” or “cult” cinema all you want, but without complete trash like this, without inept outsiders just fucking around with cameras, there is no underground or alternative to mainstream Hollywood worth talking about.

39) Brain Damage (1988) **: Cool late 80’s pscyhedelic horror flick which for all intents and purposes could be considered the true sequel to Basket Case. The seedy NY vibe of Basketcase is still in tact, as are the budget effects that stay just this side of camp. Plotwise you got this weird turdlike-brain-worm-thing, an “Aylmer,” that attaches to the protagonist’s neck and shoots him up with this fluid that puts the guy in an drugged state which effectively makes the dude a slave the the “Aylmer.” The Aylmer has the guy make him cakes and flip records for him all day…Oh no wait, that’s what I’d do with a slave, the Aylmer makes the guy do his dirty work and off various social miscreants. Really basic story, but the cheapo drug trip effects and grimy atmosphere make it work.

40) Halucinations of a Deranged Mind (1978) **: In this flick a man’s being driven mad by the images from various Coffin Joe films. Marins (who plays Coffin Joe) comes to console the man that Coffin Joe is just a myth, which seems to work…At first. Basically this is a re-editing of all the more over-the-top moments of Marins other movies put together as lengthy “delirium” montages. These are all great scenes, and a great concept, but it’s a bit tedious to sit through. It’s still a Coffin Joe flick though, which makes it worth seeing.

41) Women’s Club (1986) *: Some gals get fed up with all the rape going on in their town and decide to do something about it! So what do they do? Chop off some rapist dong, what else? Not as visceral as one of these flicks should be, this one’s probably more suited for the Lifetime channel than the grind house.

42) Creepshow 2 (1987) *: Pretty timid horror anthology, you all know the names of those involved, but I’ve had a soft spot for “The Raft” since I was a youngin.’ The other two stories are a bit tedious and corny, but I dunno, something about being stuck in the middle of the lake with a floating, gelatinous black mass, it works.

43) Castle Freak (1995) *: Don’t remember much of this one. A couple from The America travel to Euroland to check out a castle they inherited. This freaky mutant in the basement starts kills a prostitute the guy brought home, which leads to trouble with local law enforcement. This is a Full Moon jam, but it’s also done by the guy who did Reanimator, From Beyond and, uh, Robot Jox, so expect some decent gore scenes if nothing else…And no, there’s not much else.

44) Alien (1979) **: My girlfriend never saw this, which is more surprising to me than offensive, and I hadn’t seen the movie in years, so why not. This one’s a classic and all, but for whatever reason never really clicked with me in a major way. Not a bad movie by any means, just not one of those big time movies I can go as gah gah for as everyone says I should.

45) Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) *: I think I saw the 75 minute version of this, ‘cause this went by WAY quick. Not a bad thing either, especially for this sort of flick. And what type of flick would that be? Your standard Bangles-esque all girl rock group chased around by a drillguitar-wielding Andrew Dice Clay lookalike slasher. Yeah, as the title suggests, this is basically mindless fun. Not much that’ll stick with you (judging by the cut version, at least), but not a bad way to kill some time, either.

46) Kill, Baby, Kill (1966) **: Okay, I’ve watched this twice and CAN NOT make sense of the plot. Like, not even a skeletal outline. Great ambiance and visuals though, as one might expect from our man Bava.

47) I Dismember Mama (1974) ***: REALLY great flick about a kid on the run from the loony bin who has a real against ANY woman who’s had sex EVER and isn’t afraid to slash his problems away. He befriends a little girl along the way, and the movie sort of becomes the story of how this deranged killer can form a relationship with this innocent girl. If you’re into exploitation think pieces in disguise like The Mafu Cage or Poor Pretty Eddy, you’ll dig this one. I know I’ll definitely be watching a lot more of this this year.

48) Splatter University (1984) zilch: Pretty tedious Troma faire here. No skin and ho-hum slashings leave the viewer paying more attention to how cool these Jersey goombas dressed back in the day than anything else. The film does have a good look to it, to the point where I’d believe it was made 10 years earlier, but rest assured, this is basically a really boring movie.

49) Slugs (1988) *: Not bad stuff here. You got your standard “mutant
[fill in the blank] start killing people because of greedy corporate pollution.” This time around, as you might have guess, the [blank] are slugs, which leads to some pretty far fetched (but nonetheless competent and grizzly) death scenes, and a grand finale that’s logistically absurd. I mean, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for exactly how good these kind of movies can be, and I would even say Slugs reaches it, but I got through the flick without being too bored, which is no small feat when you’re talking a movie based around MUTANT SLUGS.

50) 555 (1988) **: Really grizzly, ugly no budget SOV slasher. This one kept my attention, probably due in part to EVERY woman who’s on screen for even a second getting nude, whether you want her to or not. This is the kind of movie that embraces the ugly, mean spirited nature of its genre and does nothing to make it easy for the viewer to digest. It’s completely mindless, of course, but since when do I have a problem with that?

51) Final Exam (1981) *: I forget the specifics with this one plot-wise, but basically there’s some dude picking off students on campus, for I’m pretty sure no reason whatsoever. Obviously there’s a general mindlessness that goes on with this sort of thing, but I seriously think there’s NO reason behind the killings in this. The characters are surprisingly convincing/entertaining for this type of flick, and there’s tons of straight up homoerotic stuff going on courtesy of “Wild Man,” the muscle headed frat boy. The slashin’ and stabbin’ doesn’t get too out of control, so gore hounds might wanna sit this one out, but if you’re not opposed to the more teen side of horror, or can’t decide between a slasher or cheesy 80’s college comedy and want to split the difference, this just might be the flick for you.

52) Don’t Answer the Phone (1980) **: Another REALLY ugly misogynist slasher filled with rape and women in peril. This one has a pretty intriguing killer, just a really physically imposing figure with some sort of religious issues, I forget what exactly. Sort of a Don’t Go In The Door vibe, and no I’m not just saying that because of the similar titles, but in the way both films profile a killer, but make his killings so grotesque that even though you kind of understand he’s a damaged person, you still can’t identify, romanticize or excuse his actions. Really effective stuff.

53) Schock (1977) **: One of, if not the last Bava flicks, I forget. This is a fucking SCORCHER of a haunted house flick, and you know I don’t usually go for that sort of thing, so hats off to Bava for making a bunch of objects moving by themselves for 90 minutes actually interesting. I’m not one to get legitimately spooked, but one of these scenes, you can probably guess which one it is, had me legitimately scared to walk around the house by myself in the dark. Plenty of slow parts, which kind of goes with this type of flick, but when it hits, it hits hard. Bava goin’ out with a bang.
54) The Stuff (1985) *: Cohen and Moriarty, you know what you’re in for. Lots of corporate America satire, but this guy’s flicks are usually meant to be “fun,” not blood feasts anyways. Not the kind of flick that gets me off, really, but I’ll admit it’s pretty entertaining.

55) Motel Hell (1980) *: This is a pretty decent entry into the rural creep genre. You got this farmer guy whose meats are known county wide as being the best. Y’know, just once I’d like to see one of these movies where the meat’s really good because of the quality of cattle and craft of the butcher, but no, we all know there’s gotta be some sort of scoundlery involved here, and sure enough, Farmer Vincent is snatchin’ unsuspecting motorists and buryin’ ‘em neck deep in some sort of soil while hypnotizing them (for some reason) and eventually using them for his special meats. The real story kicks in when Farmer Vincent gets the hots for some young gal, who oddly enough, reciprocates, and his big girl sister starts getting all protective. There are a few scenes with the buried heads to remind you that that’s what the movie’s about, but basically you’re trying to figure out what’s going on between the brother and sister, the young girl, and the sheriff. It’s a love story, really. Overall, not a bad flick, they stay on the right side of campy and all the head scratching moments that come up when you’re wondering exactly where they were going with this flick are balanced out with pretty straight horror scenes (I mean, dude in pig mask going after a guy with a chainsaw, that’s a pretty strong “center”), so yeah, definitely worth a watch.

56) Dominique (1978) zilch: Here’s a paced, gothic horror number from across the pond. A dude with money is getting haunted by his wife. Some cool effects, and a nice twist, but this ain’t exactly flipping the script on British horror. In fact, this is pretty fucking boring. I don’t know, I might rate it higher if I was in a different mood, but I could live without seeing this one again.

57) The Man With Two Heads (1972) zilch: Seriously painful and boring Andy Milligan Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde retelling. This one sticks to the 30’s Paramount version, which just makes this that much more painful as you’re recalling what a great movie that other one is in comparison. And to make matters worse, there’s not even any sleaze to compensate for the lack of polish. Yeah, Hammer style period pieces are a rough genre to fail at. Big pass on this one.

58) Kolobos (1999) zilch: Those who know me know I have no problem wading in the late 90’s direct market trash heap, but man, this is just retarded. Okay, there’s a group of people who think they’re being randomly selected to participate in some sort of Real World type TV show where everything in this posh apartment is under camera surveillance. You got all these obnoxious archetypes, like the outgoing actress, the aspiring standup comic, and this “damaged” chick who’s always drawing these not-really-fucked-up drawings in her sketchbook that everyone exaggerates as being super gory and fucked up. That chick has some sort of connection to the killer who’s behind the cameras and starts picking everyone off. God, just explaining that plot was tedious, imagine sitting through this thing? Big shock, no one involved in the making of this flick went on to do much of anything else…and they all have really weird names. David Todd Ocvirk? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

59) Vampyre Femmes (1999) **: Now THIS is kind of direct market delirium I live for! Total non-actors caught impromptu on digital handheld camera interplayed with lengthy sub-sub-Cinemax softcore sex scenes that will put you to sleep long before they turn you on. Man, some of these lines are just ABSURD. The fat guy gets the award for best delivery, like, ever. Forget Troma, forget Full Moon, this is my kind of schlock right here.

60) Devil’s Rain (1973) **: Really cool Satanic cult shit here. The DVD says “the most shocking ending of any movie ever” or something like that, and I gotta say, it is indeed pretty freaking great. Ernest Borgnine classes up the joint and skin melting-a-plenty keeps things on the exploitation tip. Maybe a little too paced to be a party flick, but entertaining stuff for sure.

61) Creepy Crawlers (2000) zilch: Bad TV movie. Plays like a “monster of the week” X Files episode but without any characters. Really tedious to sit through. Oh yeah, and it’s about cockroaches doing cockroach things.

62) The Mafu Cage (1978) ***: Killer character study of these two sisters, one of whom has this Jungle obsession courtesy of her anthropologist old man. Her problem comes when she locks up and eventually kills the monkeys she keeps in her cage. Her sister, who’s repulsed by the behavior, obviously, is sick of providing her with the monkey supply, even though it’s about the only thing that pacifies her. While the sane sister’s out on vacation, crazy sister decides to step her game up and move on to humans. I’ve been trying to think of the “message” of this flick for awhile now, something about the thin line between man and animal, but I don’t quite have it yet. It’s a beautiful film to look at, though, and Carol Kane absolutely knocks it out of the park, and it’s basically her engaging character that makes this movie work, not that it’s particularly flawed otherwise, but it’s like Anthony Perkins in Psycho, just the perfect actor for the part who makes the movie “sizzle” as they say. Great, great, great flick.

63) The Mad Butcher (1971) *: Here’s one about a crazy butcher (yeah, who’da guessed?) who got released from an insane asylum just a little too early. His first matter of business was to reopen his butcher shop, but this time the meats would be the cheapest in town. Oh, but I wonder, how DOES he keep the prices so low? Yeah, you can kinda guess where this one goes. Not the best flick, but not the worst. There’s the inevitable parallels to The Corpse Grinders, both in theme and in general Mikels/Lewis American drive in movie feel…Except this one’s directed by GUIDO ZURLI and stars VICTOR BUONO, which makes it roughly the most Italian film ever made.

64) Legend of the Wolf woman (1976) **: Y’know, I’ve seen this flick twice now, a cut version and an uncut version, and I still can’t figure out whether I even like it or not. I mean, it’s a deranged film about a sexually obsessed woman who thinks she’s a werewolf since she’s the descendent of one, and the flick’s just filled to the brim with nudity, so they make it pretty easy to watch, no doubt, but it almost feels TOO easy. Like there’s not much substance beyond the sheer entertainment factor of sleazy exploitation. They even cram in a little rape/revenge bit towards the end just to cover their bases, which as I’ve said, definitely makes for a watchable film, and I wouldn’t call it bad by any means, but am I really that easy to please? Like you just throw in gratuitous bush shots and a stream of consciousness plotline and I’ll roll over for you? Well, maybe I am….Maybe I am…

65) The Attic (1980) **: Here’s a bizarre flick about an uptight, nutty librarian lady who’s under the thumb of her authoritative father and gets progressively crazier as the film goes on, but you’ll be worried more about the mental stability of the film makers than our librarian loonie. You get all these day dream sequences involving the librarian killing her elderly dad, and what can I say, at one point a monkey’s eating a hundred dollar bill for no reason. Totally backwards storyline, too, so by the time you actually get to THE CHILLING CLIMAX in THE ATTIC you’re just like “wait, didn’t the big part already happen?” It’s a great trip, and has that brilliant delirium that only the best bad movies can bring.

66) Return of the Aliens: Deadly Spawn (1983) **: Ooooh, this is a real good one! I think what really took me back was that I didn’t really expect much. I dunno, home strewn alien yarns usually don’t do it for me, especially when you get into the 80’s, but this is just a perfect horror/sci-fi hybrid, one of the rare instances when the two genres work together in interesting ways instead of detracting from each other. More or less you got this giant alien in a basement of a regular American family who tries to bum out everyone’s Sunday afternoon. There are some genuinely chilling scenes (the kid standing silently in the basement with the alien), good characterization (a kid in a horror movie that doesn’t make you want to kick in your TV set? Pinch me!), and a great independent vibe with surprisingly sophisticated special effects. Yep, this one has everything working against it, as I usually hate these claustrophobic settings and it’s rare I enjoy an alien picture, but it works I tell ya, it works! Highly recommended.

67) Murder By Phone (1982) *: Kind of mainstream number that does its fair share of dragging. Here you got a guy with a device that can murder people…through the telephone. Nothing too gory, usually it just amounts to picking up the phone, some head spasms, some smoke coming off the caller and an explosion. Pretty tame, and they put the best death up front, so you can stop watching after the first few minutes, which is courteous, I guess. I like how the crux of this movie is the greedy and corrupt PHONE COMPANY. Not the first people who come to mind when I think “archetypal sinister movie corporation,” but hey, why not.

68) The Mangler (1995) zilch
69) The Mangler 2 (2001) **: Okay, save yourself some time and skip The Mangler. It’s just one of those glossy, non-descript flicks that relies heavily on the “HORROR LEGEND” status of Tobe Hooper and Robert Englund, based on a Stephen King story. Of course any horror fan knows those are some pretty sure fire names to avoid, especially if the film’s smack dab in the middle of the 90’s. It has something to do with an old timey factory machine that’s possessed by the devil and kills people, blah, blah, blah (can we take a moment to appreciate what a by the numbers Stephen King plot that is? Like I said, normal thing gone evil, that’s every other story the guy’s ever wrote. Anyways…), and so logically Mangler 2 continues the story of this evil piece of factory equipment right? WRONG! It’s 2001 baby, you’re in HACKER country now! Seriously, if you’re like me and love watching mid-90’s flicks that are filled with outdated computer jargon and buzzwords like “hacking,” “VR” and “cyberspace,” then my friend, Mangler 2 is the movie for you! Like, I guess these kids get stuck in a high school overnight and try to infect the computer run security system with “The Mangler Virus,” but the virus ends up turning EVERY appliance evil, even washing machines and shit that has nothing to do with computers, and the whole school’s out to kill the kids. There are SOOOOO many retarded moments in this, even in 2001 it must have come off as painfully out of date with all the “hacker” business and bad goth girl caricatures. Seriously, there’s one point where the kids are trying to figure out what to do and this guy just goes “THE MAINFRAME,” for basically no reason at all. Fucking gold! I’m tellin’ ya, you gotta watch these modern direct market disasters, they’re a great source for brain dead cinema.

70) Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985) **: C’mon, who can’t get down with a movie like this? A ship crashes and the passengers get shipwrecked on a remote island…An island of BEAST CREATURES! What are beast creatures, you ask? Basically 12” dolls with long, moppy hair, and minimal articulation that the castaways lift to their necks and shake around to simulate the bloodthirsty brutality of these island natives. Yes, these are really REALLY low budget special effects, and you never quite get over it, but the best creatures are SO minimal that it’s hard to fault the film makers. You basically just accept that the beast creatures are just abstracts, blank pages for you to fill in the terror of your choice. The non-existent budget and community theater acting makes for an irresistible and charming slice of exploitation. I don’t think she’s on DVD, but if you can secure yourself a copy, do it, ’cause it’s worth seeing at least once in your life.

71) The Child (1977) n/a: Saw this, but I don’t think I was paying attention. Not enough to say anything worthwhile anyways.

72) Tomie (1999) zilch: Generic “J-horror.” Seriously nothing worthwhile here. It’s not even obtrusively stylistic, just boring.

73) Futurekill (1985) **: Another one that’s pretty much impossible to not enjoy. You got frat boys that stumble onto “mutant” territory (they’re just nuclear war protestors of some sort…Except for one guy who really is a mutant) and spend the night in what basically translates into a Warriors ripoff as the frat boys try to get back home. You kind of get the sense that there’s about 3 movies crashed into one, but it all contributes to some good mindless entertainment. Oh, and the PAINFULLY obvious theme of “we’re not so different after all” gets officially ridiculous during the dialogue between a “mutant” girl and a “zod” (the mutants call the frat boys “zods” for some reason), when the frat boy goes “all you mutants are the same,” and the mutant responds with “all you zods are the same!” Total brain dead writing.

74) Deadtime Stories (1986) *: Pretty much worthless horror anthology based around “twisted‘ versions of old fairytales (ugh), but it’s not without its highlights. The Three Bears story has some pretty palatable moments of horror/comedy, and overall the film isn’t nearly as droning as you’d think it might be. Oh, except for the title sequence, that shit goes on for days. It doesn’t hurt that the accompany thing song is WRETCHED.

75) House of the Dead (2003) *: Well, it’s a videogame movie (one I‘ve never played, I should probably mention), so there’s kind of a glass ceiling on how good it can get. Still, you want corny rave scenes (in 2003? WTF?), some lite nudity and lots of zombies getting shot, along with scenes from the videogame itself spliced in for flavor? Well, here it is. I kind of have a hard time taking the time to even comment on watching this movie, but, y’know, it’s better than most mainstream modern horror, be they based on videogames or not.

76) Ghost Ship (2002) zilch: What the fuck am I doing with my life? Oh wait, I gotta give respect for the opening death scene in which everyone on the deck of the ship gets cut in half with a wire. Pretty brutal. You can stop watching after that.

77) To Die For 2 (1991) n/a: I think I was arguing while this movie was going on, so I didn’t catch what was going on. I doubt I missed much, though.

78) Nightwish (1989) *: College professor gets some students to go along with him to a supposedly haunted house and run some psychological experiment, but the doc flips the script with the help of his goon henchman and the college kids now gotta fight for their lives. There’s an attempt at the surreal where the viewer isn’t supposed to know what’s real and what’s fantasy, but you pretty much know how its gonna end well in advance. Not much to say with this one, it’s okay, but didn’t really leave an impression.

79) Watchers II (1990) zilch: Let it never be said I’m not willing to dig to the depths of the worst shit on the planet to find a fucked up/shitty movie. This was a failure, of course, but hey, they can’t all be Attack of the Beast Creatures or Mangler 2. There is an utterly hilarious scene where this monster (seriously, don’t ask me where that fits in, I might watch these movies but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna retain any information) trashes a convenience store and some Lassie as fuck moments with a super intelligent dog (yes, dog genius content).

80) Venus in Furs (1969) ****: Absolutely perfect haunting supernatural number. I’m of course heavily partial towards Franco’s film style, and like most people, I have to agree that it’s pretty impressive what the man can do when he takes his time. Not that I have problems with his rush jobs (I’m an unabashed Lust for Frankenstein fan), but a flick like this, which falls way closer to art house than erotic horror, has such a lasting effect. I had to watch this one a few times the same week just to get it out of my head, and it still hasn’t worked. I initially thought the film was way more surreal and impressionistic, but on repeat viewings it has a pretty basic plot: guy witnesses a girl get murdered in a fit of hedonistic passion, and the girl comes back to kill everyone involved, but just plagues the mind of the guy who witnesses. Pretty basic stuff, but Franco just uses it as a jumping off point. Lots of swank settings and a smokin’ jazz/psychedelic flavored soundtrack make for a perfectly decadent atmosphere. Did this one have a soundtrack? I’d buy it for the title theme alone. I really can’t recommend this enough, one of the best movies, horror or otherwise, I’ve seen all year.

81) Perversion (1979) **: Hmmm, I’m not quite sure how to take this one. I usually go ape for anything with Xe’s name attached to it, but this one left me kind of limp. On the surface you have a fairly standard revenge piece about a rich sadist who bites off a girl’s nipple, beats the rap in court, but still shows off the nipple around town. The girl’s reputation is shot, while the sadist lives it up. As with most of Marins films, the pleasure comes from the characterization of the villain and exactly how far Marins lets him(self) get away with. This time around instead of the cruel and philosophical Coffin Joe we get a brutish, upper class neuvo-rich type, who the viewer despises for his garishness as much as one fears Coffin Joe’s maliciousness. Marin’s antagonist sneers at the women who are still attracted to him because of his wealth, despite his bloated stomach, which he runs his hands over to accentuate. The result is an effective and biting portrait of class, sexism and injustice in Brazilian society, but I think Perversion’s melodramatic, flat characterization approach is best suited for the “good vs. evil” theme of Marin’s Coffin Joe films, while the bargain basement psychedelic and avant garde techniques of his 60’s films are sorely missed here. Not a bad film by any means, but it definitely drags at times and is nowhere near the demented genius of Marins’ more celebrated works.

82) Yeti (1977) **: Here’s a real shoestring budget abominable snowman flick about a prehistoric giant thawed out and brought to the bourgeoning metropolis that is…TORONTO! Those adverse to b-movie cheese had better stay away, but if a rampaging frost giant (with a soft spot for children) and blue screen-a-plenty sounds like time well spent to you, then you could do worse than this disaster.

83) The Hand (1981) **: Not a bad thriller here, kind of “adult,” but there’s a cool, claustrophobic, Jack Nicholson in The Shinning feel, and it’s a very engaging film. As for the plot, a cartoonist loses his drawing hand in a driving accident around the same time his wife leaves him, and it’s a fairly standard “downward spiral of dementia” from there as he blacks out, drinks more, and becomes more isolated from the world. There’re some interesting enough auxiliary characters, and like I said, this is an overall very watchable movie for all its lack of raw, exploitative elements, so if you need a break from slashers and schlock, this might serve as a nice palate cleanser.

84) The Demons (1972) **: Can’t say this one left much of an impression on me. I mean, it’s Franco, it’s “nunsploitation,” but really, that IS all that need be said, because it’s exactly what you’d expect his take on the micro-sub-genre to be. I don’t know, I think I need to watch this one again, because this just felt pretty rote to me.

85) The Being () *: Tame, but watchable low budget sci-fi deal with enough blood to appeal to horror sensibilities. A few jaw dropingly shitty moments, such as the alien ripping a guy’s head off while driving in an abysmally dark car (don’t worry, you see the head back on a few frames before the car crashes), and a few great yokels here and there, but an alien who never shows more than hands and a closeup of his face ever now and then isn’t an alien you really need to devote too much time to. Lite American exploitation, worth a watch, but nothing you should go out of your way to see.

86) School’s Out () zilch:

87) Drive In (2000) zilch: Fucking TEDIOUS modern direct market garbage about a “mentally handicapped” deformed (I think) kid who grows up next to a drive in, thus being exposed to reel after reel of violent horror films whenever he goes in his backyard. All the drive in footage is violent scenes from various Troma movies, so that should tell you how deep the film makers’ knowledge of cult horror goes, which is also reflected in how tepid the movie plays as a whole. There’s some really pointless back story on some of the drive in attendees, but you still don’t care as the film fuelled ogre crashes the party and starts offing the movie goers car by car. Perhaps the film’s greatest weakness is that it can’t tell if it wants to be straight slasher or pure schlock, so it settles for this really taxing middle ground that’s sure to disappoint fans of either extreme. Big snoozing pass on this one.

88) Freak (1999) zilch: I’m tempted to give this a one star, because it’s actually a fairly competent flick for being straight to video and housed in a CGI blood-soaked cover, and I kind of admire the attempt at making a paced horror/drama with an actual plot as opposed to the mindless exploitation you expect from low budget trash. But still, a boring flick is a boring flick, and despite the scant moments of genuine suspense, the attempt to develop a relationship between the kid and her sister (or whoever) as they go on a road trip, and way more back story on the mentally deranged “freak” than the freak itself, this one still fails to leave a lasting impression, or even keep the viewer in their seat. So congrats to the film makers for taking the high road…You still failed.

89) She Freak (1967) *: Basically a note-for-note Freaks ripoff, but without, y’know, THE FREAKS. Oh sure, you have a dwarf, and a few glimpses of a bearded lady or whatever, but the most of the action takes place behind the scenes as a conniving small town waitress gets in with the head carnie (she’s got big aspirations, folks), then two times him with some tough. They scheme together and off the head carnie, then the chick takes over, but doesn’t quite treat the freaks with the respect they deserve, and so they do what they gotta do and mutilate our small town waitress friend for the grand finale…Which is actually pretty awesome. Yep, dopey stuff all the way, but entertaining nonetheless.

90) Dead and Rotting (2002) zilch: Utterly braindead direct market schlock. Are you ready for this turd of a plot to enter your reality? Okay, so these guys fuck with this retarded kid, which is normally a GREAT idea, except the retarded guy is the son of a witch. The witch exacts her revenge by sprinkling some dust on the guys, which makes ‘em sick or something. So leave well enough alone, right? Nope. The guys hire some thugs to throw a brick through the witch’s window or similarly fuck with her house. But they get there and are like, fuck it, let’s just boil her cat (?!?), which, oops, was her retarded son in cat form. Okay, NOW the witch is pissed, so she starts plucking off the original three guys and the two thugs. Following this perfectly logical story progression? Good, ‘cause the only important or somewhat redeemable aspect of the film comes when the last two survivors of the witch are on the road trying to figure out what to do. One of the guys suggests going to the police, but the other shoots that fucking moronic idea right down, reminding him “WITCHES ARE LIKE GANG BANGERS” (and yes that is a direct quote), and that when you get in to trouble with one you have to take matters into your own hand. So though I can’t recommend anyone see this film, it does have one important lesson to teach which no other film has the balls to bring to you, and that lesson is yes, witches ARE like fucking gang bangers. Take it to heart people.

91) Nightmares Come At Night (1970) *: Not a bad flick by any means, but very barebones Franco. Not much beyond the skin and perpetually bummed looking Euro babes. I think I’m kinda jaded at this point, and if I hadn’t seen as many Franco flicks as I’ve seen I might be more impressed by this “sexual thriller” revolving around a lesbian stripper couple. As it stands it’s just kind of a background flick.

92) Night of the Demon (1980) **: Holy shit, this one’s a face melter. Everything’s going normal, just your standard Bigfoot number, complete with college kids going into the woods and interviewing some rural creeps about their encounters with the Bigfoot. Seen Return to Boggy Creek? Then you know the score. BUT, things take a sharp turn to crazyville every time a death scene comes up and it’s like, 10x more brutal and over the top than more slashers at the time. For instance, you get a dude getting wielded around in a sleeping bag and impaled on a branch, freaking girl scouts having their hands forced into stabbing each other over and over again, and, yes, a dude whipping out his dong to take a waz, dong fully exposed, getting it ripped off and bleeding profusely from his crotch. These death scenes are total mind blowers, not only for their extremity, but because, like I said, they’re totally out of step with the tone of the movie. This is the stuff that keeps me digging through hundreds upon hundreds of hours of VHS slime, these disorienting moments of sheer exploitation delirium that lie beneath the unassuming veneer of an average low budget Bigfoot flick.

93) Incubus (1981) *: Pretty tame stuff revolving around a cop investigating a string of mysterious murder/rapes. The only real kick comes from the cop describing the victims every time. I swear, it’s like they thought they could get away with mentioning “sperm” and “semen” about a hundred times with nobody noticing. Not a bad flick, really, I got through it fine, but nothing too memorable either. I mean, really, it’s a movie about a fucking demon who rapes and kills girls, it should be way more explicit than it is.

94) Horror of Dracula (1958) **
95) Dracula Has Risen From The Grave (1968) **
96) Taste The Blood of Dracula (1970) **
97) Dracula 1971 AD (1971) **: Got all these as part of some bargain basement repackaging and watched ‘em all in a row, so a lot of these blur together, but they’re all great and classy Hammer productions, all quite entertaining. I gotta give it to Taste The Blood… and Dracula 1971, though, for the Dracula resurrection rituals in those two. In my mind all Satanic rituals are EXACTLY that cool.

98) Innocents from Hell AKA Alucarda (1978) **: I seriously started freaking out when my man Jeff gave me this vid, ‘cause the cover/title, but then I realized it was just Alucarda under a different name, which is still cool, but I thought I was in for some next level Euro cult obscurity. And I like Alucarda and all, but I’ll admit I’m a bit immune to S&M sleazefests like this at this point. It’s definitely a good exploitation flick by all means, but, as with Legend of the Wolfwoman, I couldn’t help but feel like the film was just making it too easy for me to like.

99) Holocaust 2000 (1977) *: Not too bad Omen ripoff with an evil, scary nuclear power theme. They kind of run the point into the ground, and it does get a bit ridiculous (yes, okay, his son is the devil, yes, the power plant is the beast of Armageddon, we got it, you don’t need to do these lengthy voiceovers relaying all the facts, have some faith in your audience for chrissakes), but overall this is a pretty enjoyable flick, though a wee bit on the adult side for your average gore fiend.

100) Mutant (1984) *: Not quite boring but definitely mindless yarn about some city slickers who wind up in a hick town and find themselves smack dab in the middle of a toxic waste spawned corporate zombie conspiracy. Pretty heavy handed stuff on the EEEEVIL nuclear waste front, which is always a wee tacky, but whatever, it’s a watchable flick.

101) Sorority House Vampires from Hell (1998) zilch: Rob Zombie as fuck nil budget horror comedy about…Who fuckin’ knows. I guess there’s a lot of skin in this, but not nearly enough to make up for the lengthy incoherent spells. Even the charm of digital video couldn’t save this mess.

102) Finis Hominis (1971) ***: This flick finds Marins starring as Finis Hominis, a mysterious man who many see as a prophet come to show man the correct way to live. My favorite scene involves “Finis” wandering into a hedonistic den of hippies, who go out of their way to show Finis what free spirits they all are, in hopes that he might grant them some of his insight. The hippies speak of peace and love, but as Finis throws out a big bag of money, the radicals reveal their true nature. Like Hellish Flesh, this one keeps you strung along ‘til the very end when Marins hits you with the big punch line. In fact, Marins finds a unique rhythm throughout the film, focusing on a subject or action to the point of confusion, and yes, I’ll admit it, at times even boredom, but then revealing his purpose, giving the viewer a sense of satisfaction they wouldn’t find without that extended dwelling on a sequence. The man is a master, and as evidenced by Finis Hominis, can make a powerful film even without the stylistic, surreal techniques of his Coffin Joe films.

103) Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) **: Classy Brit horror about a phantom of the opera type, presumed dead, who exacts his vengeance on the nine doctors he holds responsible for his wife’s death. The death scenes follow biblical plagues, and are pretty inventive, but far from exploitative or explicit. Yep, a competent grown folks thriller with all that stuff like plot, character development, acting, etc. It’s good to take these in every once and awhile.

104) Vampires (1998) zilch: John Crapenter’s Vampiles (of shit). But, y’know, “duh.” From Dusk Til Dawn definitely did more harm than good.

105) Death Mask (1998) **: Ah, now this is that “one in ten” slice of schlock that makes watching all those direct market 90’s flicks worthwhile. It’s totally implausible, absurd and ridiculous, but has the feel of a train right before it goes off the tracks. This deformed carnie who sculpts masks and displays them as a circus attraction (???) gets really miffed one day after getting mocked by some art critics (y’know, the kind who take the time to pick on carnie art), so he takes the advice of a sympathetic female coworker (cocarnie?) and heads down to the old witch at the swamp’s place to strike a deal. She pricks his finger and makes him make a blood pact that he’ll give her her great ancestor’s skull (or something) which he has for some reason in exchange for the ability to make the most beautiful mask ever. AND I’D LIKE TO SEE WHAT THOSE ART CRITICS HAVE TO SAY WHEN THEY SEE THAT! The important part is after leaving the witch’s place the girl is giving the guy shit for whining after getting his finger pricked by the bone, and the guy tells the girl not to make fun, and that “pain hurts me.” Yes, that is a direct quote. “Pain hurts me.” Thank you direct market gods! Don’t worry, the girl reassures him that “you can’t catch AIDS from no chicken bone,” and a bunch of other stuff happens, like the mask the guy makes kills whoever looks at it, but who cares, ‘cause your mind will still be working on “PAIN HURTS ME,” and how one managed to a) commit that line to paper, b) convince an actor to deliver it with a straight face, and c) let the film go through the entire editing process and keep that gem intact. So yeah, great stuff, must see all the way.

106) The Oracle (1985) *: Girl gets fucked with by supernatural forces and some hired killers.
It’s all part of an elaborate plot, but after 15 minutes I knew this wouldn’t live up to the awesome cover art, so I just kinda spaced out.

107) Vamp (1986) *: Very, very teeny horror/comedy about some horny college kids (and token nerdy Asian) who find themselves in a strip club in the sleazy side of town which happens to double as a vampire haven. How to survive the night…Luckily Grace Jones is like, the coolest person alive, otherwise this would be a total loss. Not the worst, you’ll be able to get through this no problem, but you won’t necessarily feel good about it.

108) Night Ripper (1986) *: Hopelessly obscure 80’s SOV about a killer on the loose. But who’s the killer? Well, you’ll be too blown away by the wretched acting and botched lines to really care. Unfortunately, that’s kind of all this one has going for it. Not really enough of those ugly, unflinching death scenes that make the best SOVs work, but there is one really interesting stabbing that just cuts to the knife after it’s been inserted in the victim, but doesn’t show the knife actually penetrating. Kind of a reverse Psycho shower scene, a sign of the times I guess.

109) It’s Alive 2 (1978) *: I think I was looking at stuff on the internet with my girlfriend while this was going on, but I realized Michael Moriarty wasn’t involved, and since he kinda made the 3rd one for me, I’m not convinced I missed much.

110) A Darkly Noon (1995) **: Freaking Vigo, how could I diss this? Well, it is a pretty forced, stylized Twin Peaks ripoff, but, y’know, VIGO. So watch it.

111) Death Bed (1977) **: Well, this flick’s reputation precedes itself…Unfortunately? I dunno, this is a great demented, surreal genre bender, but I knew that before I put the DVD in, so all the movie’s warped qualities were all anticipated. You couldn’t call this film “hyped” by any means, or say its reputation is in any way undeserved, but I only wish I could have gone into the film fresh, expecting inept schlock and having all the film’s idiosyncrasies take me by surprise.

112) 976 Evil 2 (1992) *: A sequel mindless enough to live up to the tantalizing title of the original. The plot revolves around a pervy principle who has the hots for some student chick and uses some sort of cosmic evil that’s bestowed upon him whenever he needs it to kill some people in order to get closer to the girl. There are some concessions to the movie’s own b movie status, such as a Roger Corman/Joe Bob Briggs poster, but the movie doesn’t really slip into self conscious camp, thankfully. Like I said, pure mindlessness, take it or leave it.

113) Slumber Party Massacre (1982) *: For whatever reason I was under the impression that this was some sort of feminist think piece, as the only thing you ever hear about this flick is that it’s a slasher directed by *gasp* a WOMAN, and thus all the voyeuristic shower scenes are supposed to be ironic or satirical or something. Like I said, that’s just the stuff I heard, but it did cause me to watch the film with a more critical eye, for better or worse, and I gotta say, that outside of the power drill chopping at the end as a symbol for castration, and maybe some rape themes, this played like a straight mindless slasher to me…Which I obviously have no problem with. Like, was there ANY background information given on the killer, any story whatsoever? Worth watching if you’re a “genre enthusiast,” but again, I’m not really seeing the supposed feminist or satirical nature of this flick.

114) Critters 2 (1988) *: THE MINDLESSNESS CONTINUES! Pure schlock entertainment here. Space bounty hunters and the god Eddie Deezen alone would have made this film time well wasted, so the dopey, carnivorous fur puppets are just an added bonus for me. Also worth noting: “CHEEEEEEESEBURGERS! NO BONES!” Yeah this has kid appeal, and is about as much a horror flick as Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, so fans of brutality can sit the one out, but if you’re entertaining a mixed crowd this is a good braindead background flick.

115) Season of the Witch (1972) ***: Not gonna lie, I wasn’t expecting much from this, as I’m not a big fan of Crazies, so I assumed the antebellum period between NOTLD and Martin was a wasteland, but fuck, this is a gem right here. This is sort of an examination of witchcraft in suburbia. Not so much a horror film…It’s hard to describe. Of course there’s the cultural shift theme you see in all Romero’s work from this decade with the “swing” factor and all, but there’s something much greater than the sum of its parts going on with this film. I think it has to do with the really likeable and convincing characters. This is one of those idiosyncratic low key 70’s American exploitation numbers a’la The Mafu Cage, Poor Albert and Little Annie, Poor Pretty Eddie, etc., but of course the Romero factor makes this a bit more noteworthy to horror fans. Great stuff either way, though.

2007 part 1 (with intro)

2008-03-09T04:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, I managed to review every horror film I saw in 2007, working backwards, in 2008. It’s taken me a few months and been an overall tedious process, but here they are in all their hazy glory. A lot of these are first impressions, so we’ll see what changes over time.

365. Gothic (1986) **: Fucking bizarre tale of Mary and Percy Shelley’s “year without a summer” trip to Lord Byron’s place in Switzerland which spawned Frankenstein. It’s not so much bizarre in content (though there is an overload of stylized techniques that’s more jarring than anything else), but the fact that you’re watching key literary characters running amok in some low budget Vestron home video. Unique idea, I guess, but the end result is more style than substance.

364. Night of the Living Dead (30th anniversary edition) zilch: “Hey, let’s fuck up this stone cold masterpiece with a bullshit midi soundtrack and some nonsensical side story that fucks up the flow of the movie?” The new sequences add nothing new and just frustrate anyone who’s see the orig. Who gave the go ahead for this?

364. The Strange World of Coffin Joe (1968) ****: An absolute revelation, start to finish. A horror anthology like only Marins can do. The first story is fairly typical faire about a doll maker, his 4 daughters and some bandits. That Marins can take a fairly standard story like this and make it sizzle with sex and his very unique film style is a true testament to the man’s craft. The next bit has no dialogue, but it’s important to note that Marins’ films have some of the best scores you can hope to hear; very raw and primitive atmospheric soundscapes. I’m sure the bulk of the score is recycled stock sound effects, but in a way that’s the essence of Marins’ work: making a low budget effect as effective as possible. As for the story, it’s about a deformed balloon carrying hunchback (similar to This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse’s Bruno) who pines after a beautiful woman. The woman dies, and the hunchback eventually has his way with her. It’s a grizzly subject, but at the same time because of the technique there’s a certain beauty to it all, very emotionally evocative indeed. The next short is the real meat of the film, where “Professor Oaxiac” (Caixão backwards, duh) expounds upon Ze do Caixão’s world philosophy on a talk show later more prominently featured in Awakening of the Beast, which is essentially that “instinct” (primal instinct, the id, if you will) is the ruling force of man, and that love, hate, spirituality, etc., are just masks man uses to hide his true nature. Ze—er—“Professor Oaxiac” eventually lures a dissenting panelist on the show back to his house and subjects him and his wife to a “burlesque show” of various subjects whom he’s converted to their “true selves.” Ze eventually subjects the couple to these experiments in a brilliant reworking of the Genesis myth, eventually proving that love, and by extension human emotion, doesn’t exist, and we’re all primitive animals inside. That there are no repercussions for Ze’s philosophy, or the necrophile’s actions in the 2nd segment, makes for a truly unique and diabolical film experience. There’re really no words that can do this man’s films justice, and I really can’t recommend his movies enough.

363. The Doctor and the Devils (1985) **: Really well done period piece about a zealous anatomy doctor (Dr. Rock) who pays some derelicts (Broom and Fallon) for fresh bodies to dissect, going against the academy’s policy. The doctor kind of knows, but doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that said derelicts are killing the people they’re bringing him. The film succeeds in conveying both the madness of Doctor Rock in his goals to advance medicine and the economic desperation of Broom and Fallon’s world. Well layered and executed all the way through.

362. The Fog (1980) *: Fog rolls in. There’re killers in the fog. You get stabbed. And there’s lots of downtime in between. A well executed film, but didn’t really leave me feeling anything.

361. The Kiss (1988) **: A really religious mom dies and her supermodel sister moves in. Only problem is: SHE’S A WITCH! Very “cheesy” very “80’s,” some okay death scenes, an evil cat (“FUCK YOU FELIX”), but nothing to really make you go nuts.

360. Prom Night III (1990) zilch: Horror comedy that kind of plays as a slasher parody, which by 1990 was a subject that was doing a good enough job parodying itself. Plot? Uh, some ghost chick is haunting a high school and makes this AVERAGE (a point PAINFULLY stressed) teenager do her bidding by boning him behind his goody two shoes (and living) girlfriend’s back. Dude eventually gets in over his head as you might imagine, and the body count rises. For a “fun” movie, this wasn’t very fun to watch, and dragged pretty hard.

359. Diary of the Dead (1976) *: It’s a shame, because the acting and overall execution isn’t too bad on this one, but the basic premise is just fucking retarded. Okay, so this husband and wife live with the wife’s stingy mom who doesn’t like the husband and is an overall bummer. The husband gets it in his head he’s gotta kill the old broad, so when she invites her presumably equally naggy old friend over who dies of a heart attack while the mom-in-law’s asleep, the husband SOMEHOW figures he can pass the dead friend off as the mom-in-law and then he can kill the mom-in-law and get away with it. Okay (???), so he calls for an ambulance, saying that his mother-in-law died, but at this point the real mother-in-law wakes up and dies of a heart attack, so he’s got two dead bodies, has done nothing illegal, but decides he’s still gonna pass the mom-in-law’s friend off as the mom-in-law for some reason, and bury the real dead mom-in-law (who he didn’t actually kill, remember) in his backyard. The film goes through the motions of him ineptly covering his tracks and different people suspecting him of doing whatever, but at that point you really just don’t care what happens to the guy at all, ‘cause he blew it from the start. Like I said, surprisingly decent execution on everyone’s part, but when the “criminal” hasn’t really done anything wrong it’s hard to care one way or the other what happens to him.

358. The Changeling (1988) **1/2: Decent post-shining haunted house piece. I generally can’t get behind that motif, but it’s saved by some genuinely creepy scenes (skeleton hand in the well, cool old timey wheel chair) and a fleshed out story about a wrongful heir to a fortune. Good stuff, but a bit, uh, mature for my tastes.

357. Ganja & Hess (1973) ****: One of the best I’ve seen all year, no doubt. I saw this first as Blood Couple and was floored by the radical afrocentric reworking of the vampire motif, but Blood Couple puts the horror aspect at the forefront, whereas the original version (the directors cut, roughly ½ an hour longer) Ganja and Hess draws more attention to Bill Gunn’s fantastic technique, and the characters are decidedly less “vampyric.” The score (more phenomenal psyched out atmospheric soundscape stuff) interplays with the characters in a really effective manner, and the monologues are PERFECT. There’s a very free, borderline Paul Morrissey approach to the dialogue, where you get the sense that Gunn just started filming and let what happened happen, but when you realize that the monologues play a crucial role to the development of the plot and characters, its clear that the opposite is true and these segments were heavily scripted and directed, and it’s the skill of the actors and directors and material that makes these segments feel so natural. It’s painful for me to watch such exquisite delivery of dialogue, and then watch newer dialogue heavy flicks like Kevin Smith or Tarrentino’s stuff where the lengthy monologues come off as unnatural and take the viewer out of the film. If they could do it right in ’73, why not now? Fucking frustrating, especially considering the relative obscurity of Gunn’s career. Anyways, Gunn essentially uses the vampire myth as an allegory for the dominance of Christian culture over the African identity, and shows the potential for using something an unassuming as a horror movie to convey broader social issues. Obviously he wasn’t the first film maker to utilize this potential, but he did it in such a unique and effective way as to merit the awe of anyone who actually cares about film.

356) Diary of a Madman (1963) **: You’d go bonkers if Vincent Price was your inner voice too! Some cool effects in this, like all the floating stuff and the morphing of the clay, but this just ain’t really my bag. Very “psychological” and Poe-esque, and basically over my attention span.

355) Parasite (1997) zilch: If you’re doing some modern day no budget digital video bullshit don’t think you can pull the wool over our eyes with a serious plot and act like nothing’s wrong, okay? Some witch has the hots for some Irish professor dude (a scientist who has no faith in the supernatural, of course) and slowly begins the process of ruining his life through magic. You can guess the rest, but probably shouldn’t waste your time. Respect for having an all grown up cast, but the biggest challenge of doing a low budget movie is making it work for you, not aspiring to be some middle of the road forgettable pap like this.

354) Candyman 3 (1997) zilch
353) Candyman 2 (1995) zilch
352) Candyman (1992) *: Alright, so I lined all these up and made a night of it. What a fucking retarded “franchise.” It’s like they started out trying to buck all the slasher clichés (no mask, no gratuitous nudity/sexism, *gasp* HE’S BLACK!), but of course falls into the biggest slasher cliché of them all, which is a bunch of nonsensical sequels. The first flick is good enough for a PC horror movie: chick calls on Candyman, Candyman kills people close to her thus implementing her as the killer, chick dies trying to protect a kid Candyman’s after, and becomes the new Candyman. Whatever, at least it’s a story. The second flick tries to expatiate on the Candyman myth, how he was an educated Blackman who got killed in the south for having a fling with a white lady (which they said in the first one, and was good enough), but he was also the secret granddaddy of some white lady, and he kind of wants to fuck her or something…I dunno, it’s all really confused, really. Like, take Freddy Kreuger; he’s got a crazy burnt up face and gnarly claws, and if you go to sleep, he’s gonna cut you up. Pretty simple, right? Candyman, it’s like, he was stung to death by bees, so if you see bees around you know he’s coming, but his face isn’t stung up or anything, really he’s just a smooth looking brother, and also he has a hook ‘cause his hand was cut off, oh, and he comes if you say his name in the mirror, but he might not kill you, he might just kill people around you and then you gotta worry about the cops…Oh, but he also might just kill you…With bees…Or that hook. But if you’re related to him, uh…He wants you to come with him? Where? I dunno, it’s fucking stupid. Way too cluttered.

351) Reflections of Evil (2002) ****: Okay, this isn’t really a horror movie, but I bought it solely based on the title which sounded like a horror movie, and the fact that it was $2 and had no description on the case whatsoever, thus further enticing my curiosity. In reality Reflections of Evil is a modern experimental, borderline outlaw independent film funded, produced, directed, staring, edited and released by my new favorite modern filmmaker, Daniel Packard. It’s hard to nail down an exact “plot” with this film, as Reflections floods the viewer with a barrage of seemingly nonsensical scenes, but basically Packard plays a sugar addicted street person hawking watches to everyone he passes (but never makes a sale), lives with his nagging mom and eventually is sought after by his sister who may or may not be alive. There’re a lot of flashbacks and psychedelic effects, but what makes Reflections so effective isn’t its surreal passages, but the very REAL feel of the film. For instance, the scenes where Packard walks the streets and is perpetually getting in verbal confrontations with everyone he passes, missing busses, and gaining layers and layers of clothing and pairs of headphones translates to one of the most effective translations of Southern California street life you’re likely to find on film. Modern mainstream entertainment (namely film) is routinely parodied through the juxtaposition of the comically slovenly Packard with various film glossy film advertisements like Miss Congeniality decorating the confrontation riddled streets, and there are of course the segments from other films and television lifted (stolen) for effect. The segment filmed at the ET ride at Universal studios with Spielberg’s voice MERCILESSLY overdubbed is my favorite of the “most certainly copyright infringement” segments. Basically this is a true independent vision laced with heavy doses of comedy derived from a satirical contempt for modern culture and a completely idiosyncratic technique. Must be seen to be believed!

350) Bandh Darwaza (1990) ***: Excellent “Bollywood” horror production from the Ramsay brothers, who are supposedly the masters of this sort of thing. I’d love to see more of their flicks. In Bandh Darwaza a wife who can’t get pregnant turns to “the black mountain,” which is sort of an evil cult with a Dracula-esque figurehead, who gives her a child (she sleeps with the Drac guy to get knocked up, so it was likely the husband’s retard at fault, but whatever) on the condition that if it’s a girl, she has to give the brat to the black mountain. It is, of course, so to break the deal the family has to kill the Drac dude so that they can keep the baby. And that’s just the first ten minutes or so! The bulk of the story takes place in modern times and centers around the current woman of the family who’s kind of a “bad girl” (I mean, she’s Dracula guy’s daughter, what do you expect) and pines after a local dude who’s not feeling her. She eventually gets lured back to the Black Mountain to get some hoodoo to cast on her would-be beau, thus bringing the very cool Dracula guy back in the mix. The movie’s a bit longer than the average Western horror flick, clocking in at 145 minutes, and is complete with comic relief, lots of faux-martial arts, some heavy borrowing from popular American films of the time, and of course song and dance numbers. All that might add up to a kitsch novelty film if it wasn’t for the fact that there’s a really great atmosphere and cheap spooky aesthetic, very much reminiscent of old Hammer horror. If you’re a castles and fog type (and I am), this film delivers in spades. It is, of course, such a radically different and refreshing approach to horror that it’s tempting to get caught up in the “exoticness” of it all, but I really feel like this is a great horror film in its own right. Mondo Macabro has a 2xDVD set with this and the excellent Purana Mandir which should whet anyone who’s curious’ appetite for more Bollywood horror.

349) Video Violence (1987) **1/2
348) Video Violence II (1989) **1/2 Two cool SOV (shot on video) “classics” on one DVD! As an ex-video clerk, there’re a lot of jokes that I found a lot funnier than the average person (“people only ever want to rent the new releases!”), and I did see VVII when I was a youngin,’ but I think anyone who’s a remote fan of 80’s slashers can appreciate this somewhat outsider take on the genre. The basic plot--City folk open a video store and country folk start acting awful funny when the city folk start making a stink about someone dropping a snuff film in the return box--is a transparent vehicle to move from death scene to death scene as more snuff tapes get discovered. The death scenes aren’t your Savini faire, that’s for sure, but basically this is the type of flick where you just gotta get down with the vibes, which are fucking phenomenal. These are truly independent films with the purest of intention: to entertain, and maybe make some money. You can tell everyone involved is enjoying themselves, and I can honestly say there’s a better story and more interesting theme (the strange phenomenon of sleazy horror vhs at the time, which this film gleefully acknowledges it’s a part of) than you’ll find in your average big studio slasher sequel. Speaking of sequels, Video Violence II is a great coda to the first film that actually acknowledges the events of the original Video Violence (kind of rare in the horror sequel game) and has lots of callbacks for people who’ve seen the first movie. It also does a good job at erasing any shades of doubt the viewer might have that the people in charge of these are doing anything but having a good time. I’d say both these films do a good job at poking fun at a genre while still providing enough sex and violence to alienate anyone who’s not already on board. Great stuff.

347) Cutting Room (2006) **: Zero budget slasher that knows exactly how shitty it is. This is for-the-fans-by-the-fans trash that gets off through sheer lack of pretension alone. Should you put an iota of effort into seeing this? No, but I found a copy of the “Fatal Femmes” 2xDVD that has 6 movies (this included) for $5, and I can honestly say I got my money’s worth and was far more entertained and felt better as a person watching this than any modern, slick looking, mainstream horror flick. There’s also a preeeeetty lurid female masturbation scene that I got to give the filmmakers credit for. Most films of these type hold off on the sex in favor of fake blood, but this dude goes there, respect.

346) Up For Rent (2006) **: Another part of the “Fatal Femmes” 2xDVD, which is a bunch of Z E R O budget digital camera joints, this one being a horror anthology centering around a realtor going over all the terrible stuff that’s happened in an apartment that’s, yep, “up for rent.” There’s a jealous and kinda crazy girl who offs her boyfriend for presumed infidelity, a run-of-the-mill serial killing, and the best segment, “Wannabe Deadly” about a dude obsessed with being the word’s smartest serial killer who’s really inept. There’s some legitimately funny moments in that segment when the guy has his fantasies about how a murder will work out and be received by the press, and how it actually happens. Again, this is GARBAGE as far as any technical aspect of filmmaking is concerned, but if you’re into the spirit of people just making movies and not being held back by budget constraints or any sort of social norm of what constitutes a “good” movie, then this is a fine example of how enjoyable a barely competent independent genre picture can be.

345) I Am Legend (2007) *: I dunno, is this a horror movie? IMDB says it’s an Action / Drama / Fantasy / Horror / Sci-Fi / Thriller, and there are rampaging mobs of zombie things so….Yeah, I’ll count it. So is it good? Oh, god no. The film’s premise—Will Smith is the last guy on earth and is trying to find a cure for a plague that’s wiped out Manhattan—is far too dark for standard blockbuster fluff, and it’s handled in too goody-two-shoes a way to be a dark fluff film, like 12 Monkey or Fight Club or something. That’s the problem in a nutshell, is this flick’s so PAINFULLY middle of the road (homeboy uses Shrek and Bob Marley to illustrate his points…Way to go over the heads of NO ONE) that I can’t imagine anyone REALLY likes or dislikes this flick enough to even remember it in a few years. I mean, they got my $10, so they win, fine, but at least do a good enough Hollywood razzle dazzle job that I don’t spend the whole time scratching my head over plot holes and wondering why I should care about this character at all. It’s slick enough to take up two hours and not make you walk out of the theatre, so watch it or don’t, your life won’t be affected either way.

344) Boggy Creek II (1977) zilch
343) Return to Boggy Creek (1982) zilch: Holy shit these were painful. I had to watch Return to Boggy Creek in two sittings and go to a friend’s house to watch Boggy Creek II because I didn’t have the faith in myself that I could sit through it without fast forwarding or slitting my wrists. A bunch of hicks and Bigfoot, who fucking cares. If you must, go with Return to Boggy Creek (the second in a trilogy, which concludes with Boggy Creek II…Huh?), ‘cause the attempts at the authentic Cajun accents are good for a cheap laugh at least. The big time suspense in Boggy Creek II is they get chased into a house by a dog…Oh, and the girls get the jeep stuck in the mud and have to *gasp* READ THE MANUAL (don’t worry, it’s in the glove box) to figure out how to work the four wheel drive! PG rated fun for the whole family, if your family’s a retard.

342) Demonia (1990) **: Later Fulci flick with two killer death scenes (dude getting split in half and a bunch of cats killing an old lady), a crucified nun, and not much else to keep your interest. Canadian archeologists go searching for ancient Greek artifacts, inadvertently fuck with some cursed dark ages shit and local yokels, and you can guess the rest. It’s an okay flick if you go for this sort of thing.

341) Terror and Black Lace ***: Oooh, I liked this one! Really cool Mexican thriller/horror flick about a possessive husband and his wife who live on the top floor, a music historian with a hair fetish who lives beneath them, and 3 independent women types who live below him. The technique was exceptional, and there were moments of genuine suspense as well as really unconventional plot development. The things you expect to happen don't really happen, but not in an arbitrary "TWIST!" kind of way either. In fact, I think it might be the film's lack of gimmicks that made it so appealing, actually; there's not a lot of blood, there's not a lot of nudity, but there's enough of both to maintain that certain luridness which makes these kind of movies work. Absolutely phenomenal genre picture which I highly recommend.

340) Nightkill (1980) *: Shitty husband gets murdered for money, the wife should call the cops but doesn’t, you don’t really care beyond that point. Everything looks real “Dynasty” too. Whatever.

339) Dead and Buried (1981) **: Surprisingly good Vestron joint with REALLY well done death scenes and an actually well developed story for this kind of movie. The movie starts strong, with a guy getting baited by a chick and burned alive by some fishermen and basically just keeps up the pace. Hobos get slashed up, some dude gets a needle in the eye, and when you start seeing these people walking around again, you know something’s up. You’re not exactly sure why these people are being killed, or why they’re being seen around town, but as the main cop in the flick learns more, so do you, and all-in-all, it’s not as stupid as you might think. Fine film indeed.

338) Purana Mandir (1984) ***: Great Bollywood horror that was supposedly responsible for setting off a sort of “horror boom” in India for a few years. As mentioned in the Bandh Darwaza review, there are a lot of stylistically typical aspects at play that would be out of place in a Western horror pic, such as song and dance numbers and comic relief, but overall there’s a great atmosphere and story that should appeal to any horror fan who favors the older b-movie aesthetic. The plot revolves around a boyfriend and girlfriend trying to break the curse of Saamri, a really cool looking demon who placed a curse on the girlfriend’s ancestors, thus preventing the boyfriend and girlfriend from marrying. The two bring along their friends, the male sidekick being a real mustachioed machismo oozer who spends a bulk of his screen time kicking stuff, and then shit starts to hit the fan; Saamri comes back from the dead, the superstitious country folk try to sacrifice the boyfriend and girlfriend to Kali, and the machismo oozer starts up a racket by capturing and freeing a notorious bandit for the reward money. Again, the flick’s 145 minutes long, so it has time to fit all that stuff in. All the DVD extras say that this is probably the best Indian horror flick out there, so do yourself a favor and dig in.

337) Evil Eye (1974) *: Not much to say here. Pretty forgettable Italian supernatural giallo without enough sex or death scenes to keep me interested.

336) Catholic Ghoulgirls (2005) *: Zero budget schlock centering around campy horror clichés (schoolgirl outfits, zombies, whatever) and a lot of interjections of really annoying “totally 80’s” pop culture references and Kevin Smith style dialogue. Completely horrible, of course, but it’s a bunch of buddies with a camera fucking around, you can’t really be too critical of a film like this.

335) Candle in the Dark (2002) *: Looks like a video a family would make after Thanks Giving. There’s a goody goody girl who’s new college roommate is a “goth,” and since there’s a bunch of vampire murders on campus, the “goth” girl becomes the #1 suspect. I was really hoping the “goth” chick would be more over the top and cheesy, but she’s kind of just dressed like a secretary or something. Unless you’re a fan of zero budget ineptitude, though, you probably won’t be able to watch this. If you are a fan of zero budget ineptitude, this is still barely passable.

334) The Bewitching (2006) zilch: Skinimax style softcore centering about a, uh, witch? Who comes to Las Vegas? And she sleeps with a bunch of dudes, but she’s not supposed to for some reason? The best part is there’s a group of guys, a white guy, a black dude and an Asian, and both the black and white dude get laid by the witch, but the Asian guy gets left out. Such a dick move! And your average uncut Jess Franco film has way more titillation than this, so I’d say this even fails at pornography. This is really THEE lowest of the low as far as just about any form of entertainment goes, so it’s nice to watch a movie like this and think “okay, I’ve officially hit rock bottom as far as what I’ll allow to take up my time.”

333) Awful Dr. Orloff (1962) **: Black and white castles, shadows and fog like only the Europeans can do it. This particular European happens to be Jess Franco, who went on to do some really beautiful avant-garde horror/softcore in the 70’s, but this is a slice of his early straight forward work. The story goes, this Dr. Orlof starts taking girls and using their skin to make his daughter who got deformed in a lab experiment beautiful again. With these kind of movies it’s more about the atmosphere and feel of the imagery rather than the linear plot, though, and this is a great spooky slice of gothic noir.

332) Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) ***: Really beautiful piece of cinema here. Having the opening scenes shot from the perspective of Dr. Jeckyll establishes a great tone, and the execution of the Hyde character is excellent. A lot of the transformation scenes are surprisingly sophisticated for the time and the dynamics of the abusive relationship between Hyde and Ivy are brilliantly sculpted. This is a really great watch, for sure.

331) Prom Night (1980) *: I think this is cannon in the 80’s slasher genre, but I’m not really feeling this one. There’s really not enough blood to make a story like this work, and the mystery killer should be no mystery at all. All in all, this is just a bit too middle of the road for my tastes.

330) Delerium (1979) **: Genuinely entertaining and watchable action/horror flick that starts out as just an average “killer on the loose/copper on his trail” type flick, but eventually you learn that the killer is actually part of a secret group of vigilantes who off criminals who’ve gotten off on technicalities. The psycho killer is an old army buddy of the Telly Savalas-like ringleader of the vigilante group, and, well, eventually everything goes to pot as you might imagine. Great death scenes and an overall cheap grittiness will keep you watching.

329) Shadowzone (1990) zilch: This basically plays like a bad Alien ripoff, which is one of my least favorite genres, up there with Jaws ripoffs. There’s a bunch of scientists in an underground bunker and some dumb portals open, I think a creature gets through, and there’s some secret plot amongst the scientists? I dunno, obviously this is a pretty forgettable claustrophobic sci-fi/horror joint from the Full Moon people. I will say there’re some adequate pre-CGI special effects, which is cool, but not cool enough.

328) When the Screaming Stops (1974) ***: Killer Amando de Ossorio joint based around the Lorelei myth (German folklore, think the sirens) with some pretty grizzly death scenes involving a monster clawing schoolgirls and blind dudes, complete with organs getting ripped out. Lots of, uh, “buxom” Euro femme fatales and an alpha male hunter type who’s trying to kill the monster. I definitely dug this one.

327) Blue Monkey (1987) zilch: ZILCH, ZILCH, FUCKING ZILCH! I wish I could yell that in everyone responsible for this mess’s ears (except Joe Flaherty, I’d just shake his hand). What you got here’s a shitty monster movie about giant bugs in a hospital with a bunch of fucking kids running around being “cute” and some old ladies being “funny” and me wanting to commit “suicide” while watching this trash for 90 minutes. The lighting was actually pretty cool, and if you’re a fan of rubber monsters, this film’s got that, but by and large, ugh, no thanks.

326) Waxwork II (1992) **: Y’know, this really ain’t too bad. It starts with the chick from the first Waxwork coming home after her and her boyfriend just burned down the evil wax museum from the first movie. A crawling hand from the wax museum follows her home and kills her dad in an obvious nod to Evil Dead II, and she has to stand trial, both for the murder and burning down the wax museum. Somehow her and her boyfriend travel through “time” (or more accurately, different movie parodies, including Alien, Frankenstein, a Hitchcock type flick and some fantasy movie and lots of others) trying to prove her innocence by capturing the crawling hand. This is straight to video crud, but I have to admit it’s pretty entertaining crud with lots of tributes to old horror flicks and decent grossout special effects (including a projectile Frankenstein brain), and of course a Bruce Campbell cameo for cred. Not a bad flick to check out if it falls in your lap and you aren’t totally opposed to intentionally “campy” 90’s junk.

325) Demon Keeper (1994) **: Story goes, a bunch of people, some skeptics, some believers, go to a séance at a spooky house with a real medium and a phony one. Phony medium tries to prove himself to the real one and accidentally conjures up this awesome demon who looks like a cross between the devil from Legend and a Mortal Kombat character. I think this is from the Full Moon family, so expect lots of cheesy, but kind of competent special effects and lite T&A. But, also expect a gnarly giant rubber suit demon dude feeling up chicks. Seriously, I’m very partial to satanic imagery in my horror movies, so I just say back and had a great time watching a demon cut up yuppies for 90 minutes.

324) Bleed (2002) *: Typical post-Scream whodunit straight to video slasher, BUT, all the actors involved look like porn people, very LA glam, y’know what I mean? There’re lots of good looking (again, too good looking in an artificial way) naked guys and girls and an overall mean spirited and un-PC vibe, which kind of goes against the teen marketing of your average faux-Scream type flick, so that’s a bit refreshing. Total garbage, but still watchable.

323) Winter Lily (1998) *: This is a really weird Canadian straight to video psychological thriller about a guy who stays at a bed and breakfast and becomes infatuated with the daughter (who may or may not be dead) of the owners through reading her diary. The girl’s mom’s a little off her rocker, and they’re stuck in a cabin in the dead of winter, so things get stranger and stranger as you might guess. There’re a lot of weird incestuous and pedophilic undertones and a very convoluted and clumsy plot and I can’t help but wonder why anyone would want to make or see this movie. I will say it at least attempts to be unique without being cheap and stylistically obtrusive, so it’s not bad for a little indie flick, but not something I’d ever want to see again.

322) Fallen Angels (2002) zilch: Catholic schoolgirls accidentally burn down their school while being attacked by a killer and come with a film crew years later to make a documentary on the fires (which no one should care about, but there are still huge protests outside of the school for some reason), and someone starts killing the film crew and girls. Trite and shitty post-Scream style lite-slasher that can’t possibly appeal to anybody. About the only decent part was watching a bunch of English (possibly Irish) actors fake a US accent. God-awful.

321) Ax ‘Em (’92?) ***: I’ll admit I’m being generous with the three star rating, but this below-zero budget slasher actually plays a lot more interesting than a lot of canonical horror flicks. This is a black filmmaker and predominantly black cast doing more of an updated blaxploitation picture than the socially conscious Spike Lee thing that was more popular at the time. Again, this is REALLY REALLY low budget, as in you can’t hear what’s being said a lot of the time, and there’s about a two inch border around the actual movie; no, it’s not widescreen, the left, right, top and bottom of the film are surrounded by a black border, presumably so the film is more condensed has a higher quality (doesn’t help much, trust me). Large chunks of dialogue are very obviously improvised, including long “doing the dozens” segments (my favorite: “Yo mama so dumb she was in a shoot up and got stabbed”), which gives the film a very loose and freewheeling feel. Uh, large chunks of the plot might be improvised too, as the actual events that transpire are a bit vague. There’re a bunch of black college students spending the week in a cabin, and there’s a burly and pretty convincingly creepy brother in a flannel with a (you guessed it) ax, and you can pretty much guess what happens next. There’s lots of kitsch due to the era of the film, like giant green leather jackets with Mickey Mouse on the back, and a legit “homey don’t play that” line. Oh, you know that bit you’d see a lot in old Apollo standup routines that goes something like “white people are crazy, you seen Poltergeist? If a brother heard a house say ‘get out,’ he’d be out of there, but white people gonna try and stay!” Yeah, you get to see that scenario in action in this flick. Overall, yes, this is a very obviously flawed film, but there are a lot of genuinely funny moments and interesting techniques that hold my interest more than many slicker looking, generic horror films.

320) The Terror (1963) **: Cool spooky Corman flick about a mysterious girl, a mysterious old witch and a mysterious castle. This isn’t a particularly great flick, but you do get to see a YOUNG Jack Nicholson, Dick Miller and Boris Karloff in action, and it’s co-produced by Francis Ford Coppola, so this is a nice slice of Hollywood trivia in addition to being a fun, if not slightly generic, low budget supernatural thriller.

319) The Werewolf of Paxton Hall (1994?) ***: Don’t go crazy trying to find this one, ‘cause I believe it’s a student film that never got mass produced. It’s essentially a black and white half hour tribute to the old European horror style with, yes, castles, shadows and fog and a really well established gothic ambiance. It’s a story about a man who asks his brother, a priest in training, to kill him because he’s been turning into a wolf and killing people. The production levels, costumes and acting are so far above what you’d expect for something like this that it really catches you off guard how good it is. The overall execution is just superb, and it really makes me wish there was an underground of filmmakers who just made completely non-commercially viable black and white European gothic style horror films with little blood and lots of ambiance. It sure would be a lot more interesting than a bunch of misguided digital effects ridden 80’s American slasher throwbacks like you have now. I did some research and I don’t think any of the principle filmmakers for this number ever did anything in movies again, and there’s not even a listing for it on IMDB, so that’s what a well crafted story and atmosphere gets you. If anyone involved in this movie googles this review, hit me with an e-mail, I’d love to talk.

318) The Craft (1996) **: This is probably the pinnacle of PC 90’s teen friendly horror, and in theory embodies everything I should hate, but after throwing it in with a friend of mine for a laugh, I gotta say, this isn’t THAT bad. It kind of plays like a dumbed down PG Dario Argento number, with the CGI not becoming too obtrusive ‘til the end. It’s pretty, it’s clean, it’s safe, but seeing as we’re in a time now where we can look back at the late 90’s post-Scream teen flick trend as a thing of the past, this flick’s a lot less obnoxious than you’d imagine. Oooh, sequel in 2008, that should be a tremendous pile of dogshit, no?

317) Human Beasts (1980) ***: This is a neat little Paul Naschy flick where Naschy plays a ruthless hitman hired by some Japanese insurgents looking to steal some diamonds to fund a revolution. Even though he falls in love with one of the insurgents, he IS still ruthless, so he steals the diamonds, kills all of the insurgents except the girl, and shacks up at some white folks’ mansion in the middle of rural Japan. The place seems like a safe haven at first, BUT IS IT REALLY? Naschy does a great job at developing the family the hitman stays with from kind, to eccentric, to really fucked up. The film delivers in spades all the grit you want from an exploitation flick, and there’s actually an interesting story underneath it all. I’d love a DVD of this though, because the quality of the VHS transfer leaves something to be desired.

316) Dracula Vs. Frankenstein (1971) **: Wow, this is VERY campy, very drive-in, very b-movie, but really fun to watch. The acting is atrocious, and the premise is laughable, but if you’re in the mood for a stereotypically corny b-movie, here you go. Dracula does look legitimately cool, though. Unfortunately my VHS is in EP which got in the way of some great moments for sure. Gotta hunt down a cheapy DVD, I guess.

315) Killer Barbys (1996) ***: As a Franco fanboy, I loved this, but I’ll admit it is pretty cheesy. An actual Spanish rock band Killer Barbies (they sound like a bar rock Ramones with a va-va-voom female singer) gets a flat tire and has to spend the night in the castle of an Elizabeth Bathory type Countess who’s seducing and killing members of the band and their entourage while her rural creep minions do their part in picking off members of the group as well. On one hand the film’s very obviously and heavy handedly an over-the-top camp number, but there are some grizzly death scenes and the Countess looks VERY cool, and of course there’s all the T&A you’d expect in a Franco film, so though this is a “fun” movie, there’s enough legit horror for genre fans to get behind.

314) Neon Maniacs (1986) **: Very “80’s” slasher revolving around some monsters who only come out at night (like neon, get it?) and hack up teenagers. Their only weakness? The impossibly scarce substance known as “water.” Yeah, water. Each monster is a unique and basically arbitrary character, like “The Hangman,” “Samurai,” “the Indian,” etc. Either the filmmakers thought this film would get big enough to merit action figures, or they were sitting around one day trying to figure out how to fit the Village People into a horror movie. It’s crap, it’s camp, it’s fun, why not?

313) Rawhead Rex (1986) **: Here’s a pretty competent and serious horror flick about this giant monster (who thankfully is never directly referred to by the goofy name of the film) terrorizing Ireland. It’s a pretty straight supernatural monster movie and with corrupt priests and a focus on pagan Irish folklore. Not sold? Okay, there’s a scene where the monster’s peeing on a priest, and if that doesn’t get you on board, nothing will.

312) Phantom of the Mall (1989) **: Another cheesy and “totally 80’s” slasher. This might even be the same mall they used in Chopping Mall, actually. Plot? Uh, mall opens up, and there’s this guy, a “phantom,” if you will, who’s behind the scenes watching over everything on closed circuit cameras and killing the baddies in a variety of somewhat inventive but not exactly noteworthy death scenes. Paulie Shore’s in it, too, as if the movie wasn’t kitschy enough as it is.

311) Frankenstein (1984) n/a: Here’s a made for British TV Frankenstein starring Carrie Fisher. I fell asleep halfway through, but my girlfriend says it’s pretty good, despite looking like a soap opera. I guess I’ll have to stay conscious while watching it next time.

310) Mausoleum (1983) **: Here you have a good wife who cleans house, cooks, keeps to herself, but every now and then BECOMES A DEMON WOMAN POSESSED AND TALKS BACK TO HER HUSBAND AND WANTS SEEEEEX!!! I know being un-PC is part of the horror genre’s charm, but I gotta wonder if this writer knew he was showing all his cards here with this old values woman/post-feminist possession bit? With one of the writers, this is his only work, and the other previously did the new waver flick Blank Generation, so maybe the chauvinist undertones are meant as satire? Part of me would like to believe one of these guys was going through a divorce and wanted to make a film that showed the TRUE nature of these “new women.” Oh man, and check out the ridiculously stereotypical “mammy” type made and perverted Mexican gardener. What a sketchy flick! Regardless, this is pretty decent and overall watchable with some okay death scenes and good enough special effects work.

309) Blackout (1985) *: A man snaps one day and murders his family, then gets in a car crash with another man, and the only survivor of the crash has total amnesia. Is he the killer, or did the killer die? Either way, the survivor starts his life a new with the nurse who helped him recover, but there’s a retired police chief who won’t let this case go! Interesting enough premise, I suppose. The best part by far is the curmudgeonly retired cop, Richard Widmark, who spends the movie spouting off faux tough guy lines like “not on my fuckin’ beat!” that translate more like “get off my lawn!” This is definitely more of a “suspense/thriller/mystery” than a horror, but there’s an “inescapable evil nature of man” theme at play here which horror fans will find familiar.

308) Black Candles (1982) **: A José Ramón Larraz (Vampyres) joint about a Satanic cult and all the sex they have. A chick fucks a goat and a dude gets a sword in the butt, all for Satan. This is basically evil softcore with no major plot points, but whatever, good sleaze as far as sleaze goes.
307) Blood and Black Lace (1965) ***: AKA Sei donne per l'assassino. I’m a big fan of MARIO Bava’s work, especially his 60’s stuff, and this is a feast or all things vintage Bava: You got your femme fatales, tons of spooky lighting and ambiance, gritty subject matter, it’s all here. I don’t always walk away from an old Bava flick with the feeling that I’ve seen a great story, and I can’t even remember the specifics of what happened here (it’s a run of the mill whodunit with a bunch of fashion models getting slashed up), but his films always have such ambiance through simple lighting effects and stunning looking actors. Truly a master craftsman making really beautiful films.

306) Nosferatu (1922) ***: Obviously a classic and beautiful looking movie. So many of the sections are iconic and embedded in the public consciousness that it’s somewhat difficult to take this at face value, but it’s a no brainer classic that’s thoroughly rewarding to watch.

305) Nosferatu (1979) ***: This plays like a loving homage to the original with some of the imagery (namely the rats) kicked up a notch for modern viewers. Definitely worth seeing in conjunction with the original.

304) The Hitcher (1986) *: Here’s a not-very-thrilling thriller about an arbitrarily crazy and seemingly endlessly clever and resourceful psycho killer who hitchhikes along a random stretch of highway killing whoever picks him up. When one college aged kid gets away, the movie drags ON AND ON AND ON with the psycho guy kind of stalking the kid and setting him up for murders and just generally putting way too much effort into tormenting the poor kid. I have no problem with ridiculous, far fetched plot devices, and I’m not the “oh come on, that could never happen” type, but when a movie basis its premise on a very real human fear (that a hitchhiker or stranger is out to kill you), the development of the plot should stay in that realm of reality, which this fails at miserably. Improbable twist begets improbable twist to the point where you really don’t care anymore and just want out. I suppose the technical aspects are handled decently, this is a standard “real movie” for normal people, and it is possible to watch it all the way through, I just can’t imagine there’s any reason to.

303) Horrors of the Red Planet (1965) *: Really dated and corny drive in sci-fi fair about some astronauts who get stranded on mars and come across a sort of haunted castle. There’s one VERY cool scene involving the frozen Martian ghost thingies, though, and a fun cheap aesthetic throughout. Fans of older cheesy sci-fi climb aboard, everyone else prepare to be bored.

302) Curse of the Bigfoot (1976) zilch: Oof, this is an epic in bad! The movie starts with a lady doing some gardening who gets attacked by a laughably bad bigfoot monster. Twist, that segment’s just an example of a cheesy old monster movie that’s being shown in a high school classroom. The teacher goes on to talk more about bigfoots to this class full of 70’s Spicoli ass looking stoners, and then you get a bunch of stock footage of the Himalayans and loggers and what have you, which leads to a short segment with some flannel clad hicks and their bigfoot encounter. Thankfully an expert on the subject comes in to set the class straight on cryptozoology (in high school, remember), and the rest of the film is an obviously separately filmed early 60’s teen creature flick that’s supposed to be a story the expert tells the kids about this bigfoot creature, except that after the kids in that story SET THE BIGFOOT ON FIRE, the film ends and doesn’t go back to the classroom at all. This is a giant hodgepodge of shit that fails on so many levels that I have to recommend it to people who get off watching the lowest of the low in old b movies. Obviously I watch a lot of bad movies myself, and even I was impressed at the ineptitude on this flick.

301) New York Ripper (1982) uncut version ***: Seeing the uncut version of this movie is what finally sold me on Fulci. This is an amazing movie, not just because of the gruesome death scenes and gritty atmosphere (but that stuff too), but because it’s just such a bizarre viewing experience as a whole. Juxtaposing this vicious sexual killer with that goofy Donald Duck voice was a stroke of genius, and the ending, even though “good wins,” leaves the viewer feeling as violated and mistreated as any of the Ripper’s victims, and feels almost surreal in its cruelty. For what’s essentially a sleazy exploitation film, there’re just so many layers to the story that the film really merits some attention and elicits so many emotional reactions from the viewer. There are some genuinely brilliant cinematic moments as well, such as the 1st person perspective when investigating one suspect’s apartment, or the straight razor slashing dream, or, my favorite, the scene where the girl’s tied up and realizes she’s in bed with the killer. I’m a pretty hardened viewer and I rarely “feel” the suspense in these movies, but I bought that scene hook line and sinker. And of course there’s lots of sleaze and gore which I feel dutifully fits the grittiness of the subject matter and adds to the overall raw ambiance of the film, and isn’t just for shock value. I was on the edge about Lucio Fulci and giallos in general, but I can honestly say the uncut version of this was a revelation for me. Highly recommended.

2007 Part 2

2008-03-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

300) The Reptile (1966) **: Fairly standard Hammer faire. I dug it, but as is the case with most of these movies, it’s more about the atmosphere and imagery than the plot or cinematic technique. The reptile chick was VERY cool too.

299) Fade To Black (1980) *: Corny flick about a kid obsessed with old Hollywood movies who becomes obsessed with this Marilyn Monroe lookalike and eventually slips into complete psychosis and starts killing the people who’ve been mean to him. This would be absolutely unwatchable if it wasn’t for the, uh, “unique” performance of kid playing the psycho.

298) Demon of the Lake AKA Creature from Black Lake (1976) zilch: Oh dear lord, a Legend of Boggy Creek KNOCKOFF? As if the actual Boggy Lake movies aren’t shitty enough? Say it ain’t so! Hicks and bigfoot, a boring combination.

297) Angel of the Night AKA Nattens Angel (1998) *: Danish vampire flick that’s very “90’s” in a bad way. Lots of post-John Woo gunplay, hackneyed dialogue and generally awkward attempt at a big budget “edgy” American film. The ending’s great though (a vampire and an explosion!)

296) Blood Orgy of the She Devils (1972) **: Campy drive in faire. It’s light on the sleeze, but goes overboard on the cheese, so fans of camp, well, already know from the title this is good. Oh, and of course there’s enough Satanic rituals to keep my interest.

295) The Witches (1966) **: Decent Hammer horror about a mysteeeerious town with mysteeerious people doing mysteeerious things. Gee, I wonder if the title of the film might give some glue as to what this mystery might be? Na, as far as the “rural town full of secret creeps” motif goes, this is a good ‘un, and the rituals and stuff at the end all look really cool. I dug it.

294) Vampire Happening (1971) *: Here’s a campy German horror themed sex/comedy that’s not very sexy or funny. Well, okay, there’s lots of T&A, but not really enough for this sort of thing. The cheap Scooby Doo style set design and costumes were actually pretty entertaining, but I like trash. I wouldn’t really suggest this for horndogs, though, who I imagine are the only people who would be drawn to a movie like this.

293) Planet of Blood (1966) **: No, not the Bava flick of the same name, this is a super cheap sci-fi b-movie revolving around a trip to mars, I think, and the sole survivor or an ancient civilization. The astronauts bring her back with them, but uh-oh, she bites! The girl playing the Martian vampire (yes, Martian vampire) is pretty convincing as a femme fatale, and bears a striking resemblance to the alien chick from Mars Attacks. Cheap fun right here, with some surprisingly great moments.

292) Horror Express (1973) **: Pretty cool flick with a great cast of pros (Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas) about a frozen monster on a train who (duh) gets loose and starts not only killing, but smoothing out people’s brains. Yeah, smooth brains. It’s not as I’m making it out to be, though. Like I said, there’s a great cast and some definite left turns for what starts out as a “monster on a train” number.

291) Blood and Roses (1960) ***: Roger Vadim did this number, and I’m no French cinema guy, but Barbarella’s been one of my faves since I was a youth, so I was stoked to check out some more of this guy’s stuff, and even more stoked when I got a lush atmospheric period piece about vampires, and old family secrets and all that. This is some grade A cinema right here that really merits all the hollow criticspeak like “heart wrenching cinematic beauty” and all that.

290) Screaming Skull (1958) *: A recently married husband and wife move into the house where the husband’s ex recently died in. The wife is spooked, of course, and the creepy Maynard Krebs-like gardener doesn’t help matters. Soon enough there’s all the signs of a haunted house, complete with—you guessed it—a screaming skull. The bride has some sort of mental condition, so no one believes her, of course, but you know something’s afoot. Fairly generic but fun old b-movie, not life changing, but you’ll make it through without getting too bored.

289) Dr. Hackenstein (1988) zilch: I was tempted to give this one star ‘cause of Ann Ramsey, but I dunno, I was just bored with this intentionally campy horror/comedy. Three sisters, a mad scientist, a dead wife, who cares. I think the main fault here is there’s just not enough skin. Take a cue from Blood Diner guys.

288) Metamorphosis (1990) *: Here’s a not very bad or good fusion of Chronenberg’s Fly and the Reanimator, without the innovative and over-the-top special effects that made those movies work. As you can guess, there’s an overzealous scientist and his stuffy colleagues that warn him about taking his experiments to far…And of course he listens, acts in a professional and academically ethical manner, and nothing goes wrong at all. Right. There’s still a few grossout moments, and in this age of budget CGI effects, even standard derivative horror FX are a treat for the eyes, but stick to the movies this film’s so obviously borrowing from.

287) Cassandra (1986) *: Forgettable (and I say that because I can barely remember what happened) Aussie psychological number about a girl who has bad dreams. There’s a lot of family drama and blah blah blah. I got all the way through it at least, but obviously spaced out quite a bit.

286) The Dead Zone (1983) ***: Hmm, Stephen King stories bore the living shit out of me, but I worship at the altar of Chronenberg, so what’s a boy to do? Uh, sit back and dig the fucking awesome Christopher Walken performance and get down with the mindless twists you expect from a Stephen King story. The Chronenberg touch doesn’t really shine through on this (except there’s one scene where Walken’s mom dies, and there’s this really brief close-up on her wrists that really drives home the frailty of an old body), but his name’s on the box, and therefore I like it.

285) The Dark (1979) *: Boring movie about a spaceman terrorizing a city with a streak of nighttime murders. BUT, it totally redeems itself with a lengthy finale of the space monster slaying cops with lasers. I mean, yeah, this was pretty mindless and boring, but shit, if you wanna pass on a laser beam cop massacre, be my guest.

284) The Collector (1965) ***: Great movie in the post-Psycho vein (likeable, attractive male sociopath motif). It was really odd how the moments of suspense were when the kidnapper was close to being caught, and not really when the prisoner was close to escaping. The way the relationships develop to the point where neither character can truly love the other, but they both need each other in a weird symbiotic way was brilliant. It seemed like the only times the characters were ever really intimate was when they were in s&m type scenarios, so really it's more a story about roles in relationships as opposed to a love story per se, which is much more interesting/problematic. For a movie about kidnapping a girl and locking her in your basement, this is a pretty deep flick. Highly recommended.

283) Sisters of Death (1977) zilch: A gal accidentally gets killed during a sorority initiation, and for some reason or another all the girls get back together, and the rest basically plays out like a Scooby Doo episode.

282) Splatter: Architects of Fear (1986) **: I think this is a shot-on-video joint, but I’m not 100%. I have to admit I’m a bit biased, as I saw this film as a youth and kind of got all nostalgic watching it again, BUT, at base there is a fairly interesting premise here: it’s a special effects “mockumentary” behind the scenes at a post-apocalyptic amazon vs. mutant movie. The fake movie is just a tool to give the viewer a “behind the scenes” look at how all the “state of the art” special effects are done. It would almost certainly be more entertaining to watch the actual amazon vs. mutant flick, but at 70 minutes, this flick does its job for mindless entertainment. Also, there’s a scene with some A+ T&A(&P!) from a Canadian punker amazon chick. Just throwing that out there.

281) Witchtrap (1989) **: Wow, I actually kept this in my “keep” section? Well, it does have some ace death scenes, which in itself is never enough, but I think what makes this flick appealing is it probably does have some of the worst acting I’ve seen, and if you look around on this list alone, you’ll realize that’s saying a lot. The special effects make the film look like there was at least some budget, but no joke, just about every spoken line is laughable. And of course, as mentioned, there’s decent enough death scenes.

280) To the Devil a Daughter (1976) *: This one has to do with a girl who keeps having weird dreams, and there’s a secret Satanic society involved, and a baby, and…Who cares, in the end this is a hackneyed Rosemary’s Baby/Exorcist mashup, but done with a little too much restraint for my (and most exploitation hounds) taste. Of course there are some heavy anti-religious themes and some adequate Satanic ritual footage, so in the end it’s not a total loss, but don’t sweat this one too much.

279) Hellish Flesh (1977) ****: Yes, I’m giving every Marins film four stars, deal with it. This one doesn’t star Coffin Joe proper, but it’s Marins playing a diabolical scientist type whose wife tries to murder him and deform his face with acid. She’s living it up with her new boy toy, but really, how long do you think that’ll last? I was a little stressed on this one, namely because of its “straight forward” nature, and of course the terrible quality of the print, but fuck, the ending made up for it in spades. At base the plot might not be different than your standard EC revenge story, but if you know anything about Marins, you know he ends everything with an exclamation mark, and this film ended with me and my friend’s mouth wide open in amazement. Another diabolical entry in the Coffin Joe library.

278) The Whip and the Body (1963) **: In theory this is right up my alley. You got your gothic atmosphere, a plot based around a woman being torn between a sadistic (ghost) brother and a “marrying type,” and of course Bava at the helm, but I dunno, this one just didn’t stick with me for some reason. It could have been that I’m watching a bootleg version that may or may not be a sloppy reedit, or maybe I just wasn’t in the mood, but I’m definitely ready to give the film a higher rating if I see a better version down the line. Despite my ambivalent attitude, you still got that great 60’s Bava atmosphere and some interesting themes about the nature of sexual attraction and all that.

277) Ed Gein (2000) *: I think this came on IFC one night, so I gave it a shot. Obviously it’s a shitty straight to video mess based around (duh) Ed Gein. The film tries to, y’know, “take you inside the mind of a killer” and show stuff from his childhood and all that, but ends up just being passably watchable. There’s really not much to comment on either way here.

276) Spirits of the Dead (1968) ***: I guess these are all Poe stories adapted by different French directors. I’m not familiar with the Poe stories, but who cares, these are all great stories/segments in their own right. The first is Vadim, who, as noted previously, I pay particularly close attention to on account of my unrequited love for Barbarella. Hey, this one’s got Jane (and Peter) Fonda as well! The story deals with a decadent countess and her poor cousin. When the cousin won’t partake in the Countess’s hedonism, she sets fire to his barn. Dick move, no? There’s a weird incestuous subplot going on there, and of course lots of wild sets and costumes. The Moule segment focuses around a charismatic and sadistic “bad guy” and a mysterious “good guy” who follows him around and kind of keeps him in check. The scene where the “bad guy” beats Brigit Bardot at cards and proceeds to whip her and humiliate her in front of a small crowd should be of, uh, “interest” to some folks out there. You may have noticed a duality of good and evil theme at play so far, no? That kind of goes out the window with the Fellini bit, which is a wild and visually surreal romp focusing around a junkie English actor in Italy who’s kind of losing it to say the least. I’m no cinema buff, but if this is a fair representation of Fellini’s work, I gotta start going for the highbrow stuff more often, because this is an amazing segment. The acting really draws you into a visually stunning world rife with nihilism and entropy. The last bit steals the show, but every segment here is great.

275) Night of the Seagulls (1975) **: Here’s a cool Amando D’Ossario jam that’s heavy on the atmosphere and has some REALLY cool robbed skeletons. They’re Knights of Templar? It doesn’t really matter. The plot’s somewhat thin and drags at times, but there’re enough good visuals to keep it going.

274) Black Sabbath (1963) ***: Here’s a killer Mario Bava horror anthology hosted by Boris Karloff with a GRAND finale. Seriously, the last scene of the last story is a crusher. Hmmm, this might be my fave Bava flick, actually. Everything great about his flicks are present, especially the lighting.

273) Haunts (1977) n/a: Can’t really remember this one. Lot’s of psychological stuff.

272) Tainted (1988) *: Here’s a weird thriller about a woman whose husband walks in as she’s being raped. Either the husband or wife kills the rapist, then the husband dies of a heart attack, and then the woman thinks she’s done something wrong, so the rest of the movie is her covering her tracks and kind of losing it. It’s that type of flick, which tends to leave me bored. Some nudity to keep you interested, though.

271) Sadist of Notre Dame (1979) ***: This is the more horror oriented version of Exorcisme. You got mock satanic rituals with lots of sex and a sadistic priest who takes the rituals seriously and tries to “purify” the women involved through s&m and murder. It’s classic Jess Franco, who even plays the priest. Expect lots of reckless zooming and kinky imagery. I dig the Excorcisme cut more ‘cause of the extra sex, but this version still works.

270) Q The Winged Serpent (1982) **: Cool claymation dragon let loose in a city. Michael Moriarty plays a ne’er-do-well petty criminal who discovers the serpent’s nest and exploits it to his own ends. Good acting and entertaining characters makes for a watchable flick.

269) Black Sunday (1960) ***: Killer Bava black and white ambiance about a witch coming back and trying to take her lookalike relative’s place. Tons of killer imagery and all the Bava standards you’d expect.

268) Night Angel (1990) *: Here’s a flick about an evil model type who uses her feminine (and demonic) wiles to move up the ranks at a magazine. A few guys get offed along the way, and there’s not really enough death and t&a to keep the story going. It ends with a Clive Barker-esque trip to “hell” that’s not nearly as cool as it should be.

267) Succubus (1968) ***: Here’s a wild Franco bit that’s light on the sex and death and heavy on the avant-garde cinematic technique. You get lots of literary and cultural references and extended dialogue that may seem uncharacteristic for a Jess Franco flick, but adds up for a real wild and surreal experience. This is a really unique experience to be sure.

266) Deadline (1981) **: This is a pretty cool flick about a horror writer pushed into meeting his—you guessed it—deadline who experiences a lot of daydreams of grizzly deaths. The death scenes are surprisingly competent, and this is an overall enjoyable and watchable horror flick. Unfortunately the copy I saw was in EP and really poor quality.

265) I Walked With a Zombie (1943) **: I’m not really familiar with this era of film, but it came on TCM one day and the Roky reference sucked me in. You got a nurse in Africa, a voodoo cult, and you can guess the rest.

264) Devil Rides Out (1968) **: Cool hammer horror joint. The most notable scene for me was when the giant spider (or maybe a scorpion?) tries to attack inside the “circle of protection.” I kind of spaced out for a lot of this flick, but there was some okay Satanic stuff (but not enough).

263) Conqueror Worm (1968) **: This is a cool witch hunting flick with all the standard abused women and corrupt religious figures and all that.

262) Nightmares (1983) *: Oof, Tales from the Darkside style SCHLOCK. The short where Emilio Estevez hustles arcade games and jams Fear and Black Flag are raging. The one about the giant rat? Eh, not so much.

261) Baron of Blood (1972) **: I get this one confused with Black Sunday since they deal with similar motifs (wrongfully killed witch/magician back for revenge), but it’s atmospheric Bava, so dig it.

260) Female Vampire (1973) ***: Hmmm, yes, I do believe this is my favorite Jess Franco film I’ve seen so far. What appeals to me most about Franco’s films is the idiosyncratic and very present cinematic gaze. The lens zooms uncomfortably close, blurs in and out of focus, and what shows up on screen may not always be pretty or slick, but it’s always something REAL and often presents the viewer with something to think about. What’s often the case, and especially in this film, is a focus on the body, and Franco has never shied from getting up close and personal with his subjects. Longtime Franco collaborator Lina Romay plays a silent and seductive vampire who feeds off male blood and semen. As she writhes and entices, the camera never goes for the soft focus approach, and comes uncomfortably close, giving it a very voyeuristic and overall very human quality. When the characters do have their clothes on, Franco shows that he can still lay on some heavy atmosphere and sculpts a very simple but emotive story focusing on the loneliness and endless longing of the vampire. This is an excellent film you can either write off as smut, treat as a think piece about sexuality, film and the male cinematic gaze, or just get sucked into the lurid and lavish atmosphere. Either way, you’ll probably enjoy yourself.

259) Wizard of Gore (1970) **: More HG Lewis insanity. The premise is there’s this magician who creates an illusion of women getting killed (brutally mangled, too) on stage. But then, after they leave the stage they die in real life. This kooky couple of keen teens decides to investigate this pressing matter, and who the hell cares what happens, really. The whole movie is a thinly veiled excuse to show these grizzly (after a fashion) mutilation scenes. Cheap laffs can be had watching the magician guy talk IN A LOUD MAGICIANLY LIKE VOICE whether he’s on stage or off. I will say that HG Lewis really crafted a consistent cheap aesthetic with all his movies, which justifies a lot of the elements that might come off as camp to modern audiences. Trash is seldom done better.

258) Tenebre (1982) ***: I saw the uncut Anchor Bay print and was floored. This is the first Dario Argento flick where I really clicked with what he was doing, which, in the case of Tenebre, is treating the scenes of excessive violence with a certain artistic touch. The story, a crime novelist trying to solve the case of a killer who’s inspired by his works, is secondary, as what will undoubtedly stand out are the death scenes, which involve gushing blood out of her severed hand, a nude decapitation, and plenty of other shockers. But that’s just it, because of the technique Argento applies to the death scenes, they truly do shock and stay with the viewer after the movie finishes. If you’re on the fence about Italian exploitation, or even if you generally dislike the genre, this might just make a convert out of you or at the very least stand as an exception to the rule.

257) Eaten Alive (1980) AKA Mangiati Viva **: This is an UGLY UGLY UGLY Italian cannibal movie (which is code for going to a jungle and filming some f’d up stuff) centering around a Jim Jones like cult. Any story the film might have takes a backseat to the heaps of ridiculous scenes, including multiple rapes, a dong getting cut off, perpetually topless natives, a dildoing, and token sketchy footage of various animals getting chopped up. I’m still REALLY uncomfortable with seeing real animals getting killed for the sake of a terrible low budget movie, and have to keep telling myself it’s stock footage or something. Like I said, this is an UGLY movie, so it’s meant to leave you feeling kind of grossed out by humanity, both the people portrayed in the film and the people who made it/watch it/demand that kind of cinema (yourself included, obviously). I couldn’t decide between an zilch or four stars, so I gave it two, which is the nature of compromise.

256) Forever Evil (1987) **: Some yuppies go to a cabin in the woods, evil spirits kill most of the yuppies and torment the survivor. Okay, not bad, but prepare yourself for 1) a gutted pregnant chick in the shower 2) a dude FLIPPING OFF THE WOODS THEMSELVES after he escapes them, and 3) Pregnant chick ripping a demon baby out of her own belly. Not to shabby or exceptional pre-CGI special effects make for an all around adequate viewing experience.

255) The Haunting of Julia (1977) *: This one’s a supernatural/psychological thriller centering around the fragile psyche of—yep—Julia, played by Mia Farrow. The lady keeps seeing the ghost of a little dead girl which leads to other spooky stuff happening and everyone telling her it’s all in her mind. Well done enough British flick, but this kind of stuff is lost on me.

254) Curse of the Demon (1957) ***: Here’s another one where I can barely remember any details of the plot (something about a skeptical doctor trying to disprove black magic?) but the visuals and general atmosphere really had an impact on me. The bulk of the setting takes place in the UK countryside, so yes, expect fog and shadows a-plenty, a very effective (especially for the time) smoke demon, and a genuinely suspenseful ending. Don’t get your hopes up for cheapo drive-in faire, though, this is a genuinely great film that should appeal to horror and cinema fans alike.

253) The Beyond (1981) **: An above par Fulci joint revolving around 7 gates to hell. This gets a lot of praise as one of Fulci’s finest, and he’s certainly put out much worse than this, but I gotta say I was kind of checking my watch in between the death scenes. For what it’s worth, the death scenes are pretty fantastic. Plenty of appendixes get mutilated throughout the film, and the scene with the man getting eaten by tarantulas was particularly effective (with a massive assist from the sound effects and soundtrack). I may need to watch this one again though, because this felt a bit slow for my tastes. Still, the good scenes will stick with you and overall the slow parts are worth waiting out.

252) Horror Hotel (1960) **: This is a very effective and straight slice of UK black and white horror infused with generous portions of gothic atmosphere. The story goes; a student wants to investigate the history of this spooky old New England town, and bites off more than she can chew. I think it’s her teacher, or boyfriend, or maybe both go in to save her and the whole scene just gets worse. Overall, this is more the type of film where you just sit back and take in the visuals than get caught up in the details of the plot. Good stuff.

251) Exorcisme (1979) ***: This film will forever hold a place in my heart as the flick that turned me on to the genius of Jess Franco. This print I saw was an older bootleg of abysmal quality, but Franco’s power still shines through. Here a deranged priest (played by Franco, of course) thinks the pseudo-Satanic black mass rituals held by a handful of s&m hedonists are the real thing, and he sets out to put an end to their evil…By tying them up nude and killing them. Franco’s reckless zooming and direct approach to the portrayal of kinky sex acts are all present, as well as an overall sense of European sleaze and decadence. A must for fans of Franco and s&m creeps.

2007 Part 3

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250) Manhunter (1986) **: It’s unfortunately become impossible to talk about this film without mentioning Silence of the Lambs, and how this was the precursor. That said, there’s a very similar vibe with the two films, in that they’re stylistically straight crime dramas more than horror per se, but the nature of the crime, the grizzly serial killer Hannibal Lector, puts the film into horror territory. This might not have the full blown star power and iconic status as Silence of the Lambs, but everything you can get from that film you can find here, and damnit this was first! This is definitely a solid film in its own right, though it might play a little bit “adult” for horror fans. And holy shit, the Iron Butterfly scene at the end, can I get a witness?

249) Crystal Force (1992) **: This is a surprisingly entertaining low budget “don’t mess with the supernatural” type flick. There’s lot of spinning pentagrams, skin, and a demon. Vista Entertainment felt that’s all they needed to keep me entertained, and they were right.

248) Tomb of Torture (1963) **: Atomsphere, atmosphere, atmosphere, that’s what this film has going for it. Castles, freaks, shadows, monsters, beauties…you think Bava was the only guy working in Italy in the 60’s who was doing this stuff? Then watch this.

247) Lord of Illusions (1995) *: This is a pretty straight mainstream flick with the feel of an attempt at capturing the essence of an old “hard boiled detective story” with the (kind of trite) Clive Barker supernatural stuff crammed in. Convincing? Not quite, but the attempt is made. Another fine example of how filmmakers were kind of stabbing wildly at making anything in the post-slasher/pre-Scream antebellum period. Expect lots of adults acting VERY SERIOUS and some decent special effects.

246) Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997) zilch: Ugh, who fucking knows what’s going on with this one. Bored be to the point of not paying a second of attention.

245) Mortuary (1981) **: Adequate Vestron joint about the school creep who works at the family morgue and also kills ladies. It’s a “teen” flick with lots of actors well past their high school years, but as far as 80’s slashers go, this does its job.

244) The Crazies (1973) *: For a Romero film from this era this one really didn’t do much for me. This just seemed like a fairly run of the mill government spawned chemical plague flick to me with lots of dudes running around in those CDC outfits. It does have that crazy Dark Crystal looking chick from Shivers, though.

243) Waxwork (1988) **: Here’s a pretty corny but basically watchable flick about a spooky wax museum that sucks you into the time of the exhibit if you step behind the velvet rope. I can’t remember all the scenarios the dopey teenagers get sucked into, but I know the one with Marquis De Sade is particularly laughable. The ending where all the exhibits come to life and battle an angry mob is CLASSIC.

242) Trauma AKA Enigma Rosso (1978) *:Here’s a good Italian giallo centering around a murder at a girl’s school. Don’t’ worry, this film captures the essence of the girl’s school experience with an extended shower scene. You get plenty of those quality giallo deaths including (I think) a dildoing? Pretty gritty stuff, but I’m generally just twiddling my thumbs watching these movies, waiting for the sex and death.

241) Brides of the Beast (1968) *: Here’s a standard monster flick filmed in the Philippines. You got tribal folks, a rubber suit monster, jungle sacrifice, all the clichés. Makes for an entertaining enough watch, though.

240) Demons 2 (1986) **: One of the more palatable Lamberto Bava flicks, this one’s definitely propelled by the decent death scenes and a vague attempt at a “goth” soundtrack. Overall watchable.

239) Blood Frenzy (1987) **: Here’s a pretty by the books slasher about a bunch of nuts who go out to the desert on some sort of group therapy thing. Everybody has a separate dysfunction, so I don’t know why everyone’s going together, but they are, and they start to get killed. A low budget makes this “for genre fans only,” but fans of 80’s slasher won’t be disappointed (or particularly blown away)

238) Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface (2002) *: Here’s a zilch budget for-the-fans-by-the-fans slasher. The acting’s terrible, the sound’s bad, uh, everything’s bad, but there’s still an undeniable charm in a bunch of friends getting a digital camera and just going for it.

237) Junior (1985) **: Ah yes, the rural creeps, one of my absolute favorite horror motifs. This time you got some females trying to get away from an urban nightmare only to be confronted by…CREEPS! RURAL CREEPS! You got a skeptical sheriff, the sympathetic handyman, and a handful of perpetually leering good ol’ boys, and of course, Junior. Now, don’t expect the brutality of I Spit On Your Grave or anything, but there’s a fair amount of skin and compromising positions of the two young ladies to keep your interest if you’re a fan of that sort of thing.

236) Monster in the Closet (1987) **: I don’t usually go in for these campy Troma bits, but for some reason this one was just thoroughly entertaining all the way through. Here you got this “closet monster,” which kind of looks like a giant rubber suit turd, who’s inexplicably indestructible, and the motley crew of an old scientist and underdog journalist who have to find a way to stop the beast. This is more along the lines of a parody, but the film consistently ups the ante on ridiculousness all the way through, and what can I say, it kept my interest.

235) Vengeance of the Dead (2001) *: Okay, this sucks, no doubt, BUT, it’s great because the lead has this very, uh, EFFIMINATE quality to his voice, dig? Real lispy and all that, right? But they try to put him in this position as like, a farm raised masculine country boy, and try to give him all these rustic lines, but, y’know, he has this sissy voice so he butchers it every time. I mean, it’s not his fault, it’s just funny that he was the best these guys could find and they try to barrel through the movie like no one notices. Basically, this kid comes back home, and there’s this spirit who possesses him to kill people. It’s way boring, though. I would say the film’s wholly unredeeming, but again, you got Lispy McLispington making for a total headscratcher.

234) Exorcist II The Heritic (1977) *: I don’t remember much about this aside from being bored most of the time. There’s some talk of an African demon and some locust scenes, but if you want more Exorcist action stick to a schlocky Italian knockoff.

233) Schizo (1976) n/a: I know I sat through this, but remember nothing

232) Basket Case (1982) **: Very cool low budget joint shot in New York. It’s gritty, it’s kind of cheesy, and it’s a total party flick. Everyone’s seen this, right? It’s the one about a dude with a freaky foam monster in a basket? Okay, good, moving on.

231) Ghosts that Still Walk (1977) zilch: this has the distinguished honor of being perhaps THE most boring film I’ve ever seen. No exaggeration either, I honestly can’t remember watching a movie and hoping it would end more than when I was watching this. I can’t even tell you what happens. There’s like, a kid, and he’s having issues, and for about two hours there’s these old people driving aimlessly through the desert…Seriously, I cannot describe the torture I felt watching this film. Oh, I’ve seen worse, much worse, I’m sure, but more boring? Not that I can recall. Now, it might have just been the mood I was in, I can’t say for certain, but I’m not about to watch this again to find out.

230) CHUD (1984) **: Seminal 80’s flick about sewer monsters eating homeless people and the corrupt city officials who do nothing to stop them. Daniel Stern will probably stick out to anyone of my generation because of his role in Home Alone. This is a watchable flick and all, but didn’t leave much of an impact on me.

229) Legend of the Werewolf (1975) **: Hammer-esque flick about—you guessed it—a werewolf who settles down in the worst town ever! Seriously, all there is is a terrible zoo, a “house of ill repute” and a cop. Unfamiliar with human law and being of the werewolf persuasion and thus unsuited for the job of prostitute, he decides to tend to the wolves at the terrible, terrible zoo. Straight life doesn’t last our protagonist long though, and you can imagine the rest. These period pieces can be deadly boring sometimes, but this’ll keep your interest.

228) Murderer’s Keep (1970) *: Deaf/Mute girl witnesses a murder. Soul brother tries to teach deaf/mute girl to talk. The murderers in question don’t want this to happen. Hijinks ensue. Lots of good gritty old NY footage, which I like in any movie, but entertainingly bad acting aside, this one moves kind of slow.

227) The Boneyard (1991) ***: Weird weird weird weird WEIRD freaking movie. Basically, there’s some psychic chick and a cop and a menagerie of other weirdoes stuck in a morgue (“the boneyard”) late at night, and these super creepy dead kids turn into ghouls and start terrorizing the place. What’s so weird about that? Well, these kids are legitimately freaking TERRIFYING, like, absolutely gross little creatures, and totally convincing horror movie monsters. Again, not weird, but about midway through the film, they do a complete 180 and bust out a giant zombie Phyllis Diller (!) or “Ms. Poopenplatz” (!!!) as she’s called in the film, and then get even MORE ridiculous and get a freakin’ poodle involved in the mix….Basically, this starts out like, I dunno, The Ring or something, like, genuinely creepy (moreso than a lot of flicks that try a lot harder…Such as The Ring, for instance), and then verge off into campy/gory Dead Alive territory. Of course this predates both films. I assure you, you will not be able to stop watching this film once you start.

226) Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978) **: Woah, a film where Jeff Goldblum is having things explained to him rather than him explaining abstract theories to other people? How times change…This is an entertaining enough film though. More sci-fi than horror (duh), but I haven’t seen the original so I don’t have much I can compare it to, and thus won’t spend too much time on this one.

225) Blood Legacy (1971) *: One word: NECKERCHIEFS; this flick has ‘em to spare. Also there’s some room with a bunch of nazi stuff that includes a totally absurd “lampshade.” Ugh, and a total groan inducing ending. Oh, what’s the film about? A dad dies and has a bunch of kids spend the night in a haunted house to get the inheritance. Yeah, it goes there. I think when I die I’ll put something in my will about everyone having to spend a night in my room to get all my worldly possessions. There won’t be anything spooky set up, I just think that’d be funny.

224) Wolf (1994) **: Big budget werewolf flick with some real actors in it makes for an overall watchable flick. It’s similar to the Fly in that the transformation starts off good for the character, but goes awry. It’s not like, 1/10 as gross as the Fly though, but what’s that mean, really? Take away the Hollywood factor and you’d have a pretty dull flick, but any excuse to watch Jack Nicholson be cool on screen for an hour and a half is good enough for me. That this one happens to involve a werewolf is all the better.

223) Hatchet for a Honeymoon (1970) n/a: I spaced out during this one. I have to rewatch it before I’ll have anything remotely worth saying about it.

222) Horror Rises From The Tomb (1973) *: Paul Naschy horror flick revolving about some burned witches coming back and messing with the ancestors of the people who burned them. If you’re into period pieces this is pretty watchable, otherwise, watch out. Highlight of this for me was that this was the “Greatest Film Classics” version. Best fucking name for a shitty video company ever!

221) Dr. Blood’s Coffin (1961) *: Fairly standard mad scientist piece here about bringing back a dead wife and yadda yadda yadda. Nothing really extraordinary here, but there’s some good dialogue where the scientist guy starts talking about good and evil and all that.

220) Eyeball AKA Gatti Rossi in un Labirinto di Vetro (1978) **: The setup? A bunch of tourists get knocked off one by one by a killer who plucks out their eyes before they die. Lots of gratuitous gore and nudity (including the pinup worthy East Indian Ines Pellegrini who plays a model/lesbian [though not a model lesbian]) and everything else you’d expect from a ‘70s giallo.

219) Poor Pretty Eddie (1975) ***: Eeeeew, more rural creeps! This one has a weird race factor thrown in for good measure. Basically a semi-famous black female singer breaks down in good ol’ boys ville and becomes the object of affection for our title character. Rape is always imminent for our female protagonist, and if it’s not the rape it’s the threat of violence from the big girl Pretty Eddie goes to when nothing better comes around. This is a really convincing and engaging slice of exploitation right here, and there’s some pretty decent social commentary about race relations without getting too heavy handed. I definitely gotta recommend this one, though I wouldn’t call it a horror movie proper.

218) Pulse (1988) zilch: Man, there was a big drive in the 80’s to FREAK PEOPLE OUT about their houses. I guess when the culture gets more materialistic, horror film makers just have to make people scared of their material. This time around, it’s not so much your house, but the electricity in your house. Yeah, it’ll get you, watch out. Really, this is a fine and normal movie, but fuck, I get so bored watching these types of movies, and any horror movie with a kid as a main character starts out with a big hurdle to overcome (which this never does).

217) Nightmare In Wax (1969) **: Most any horror flick involving a wax museum can be way tedious, but this one’s pretty good. You got your Hollywood wax museum with “ultra realistic” wax sculptures. Only thing is, the eccentric who runs the place gets the statues, and then the celebrities mysteriously disappear. What could be the cause of these missing Hollywood celebs? Could there POSSIBLY be a connection to this cape wearing eye patch guy who runs the wax museum? Yeah, so you’re ten steps ahead of the plot, who cares, it’s a total drive-in flick complete with gawdy colors golly-gee type teens.

216) Visiting Hours (1982) *: Odd flick about a misogynist and racist and general nogoodnic who stalks this vocal liberal female reporter or something, puts her in the hospital, then basically spends the rest of the movie trying to finish the job (and slicing a few others up along the way). I don’t think the flick’s as suspenseful as the filmmakers think it is, but it’s not boring, which is the downfall of many a “thriller.”

215) Poltergeist II (1986) *: This house will not leave these poor people alone! Hey, how did they cast for these movies? Like “Attention: Are people afraid to look at you? Are you a legitimately horrifying person to be around just because you look like a ghoul without any makeup on? Well, we want to put you in the movies!” Seriously, some creepy looking mofos up in this piece.

214) Day of the Triffids (1962) *: Really cheapo drive-in sci-fi faire. This really isn’t my thing, but I’m sure genre fans will be pleased.

213) Fury of the Wolfman (1972) **: Paul Nachsy flick about—you guessed it—a Wolfman! Lots of mad scientists and other kooks thrown in for good measure. Also a pretty good run where the Wolfman just flips out and starts wrecking stuff in town. Wolfman’s kind of a jerk.

212) House of Psychotic Women (1973) *: Just to clarify, a House of Psychotic women consists of just 3 women, and they’re not psychotic so much as kinda slutty. Just wanted to clarify that for you. Basically some excon wanders the country side then gets mixed up with these dizzy dames, and the rest you can figure out. Oh, and this is on “World’s Worst Videos,” which may or may not be a division of “Greatest Film Classics.”

211) The Fly (1986) ***: Absolutely essential Cronenberg grossout revolving around Jeff Goldblum’s scientific misstep which fuses his body with that of a fly. Things start out good for our boy, but quickly go to pot. This is essentially a “don’t fool with mother nature” slick looking sci-fi deal, but it’s Cronenberg’s familiarity and obsession with the boundaries of what can be done to the physical body that makes this so impactful. Like, there’s general sci-fi gross, and there’s this flick which will make you wince, turn away from the screen, and gave moments of genuine disgust. It’s shots like when Goldblum’s fingers start falling off when he’s typing that makes this film so effective, because there Cronenberg’s taken something fantastic, a human turning into a fly, and brought in something familiar to give the audience a reference point. This is a stone cold solid classic that won’t hurt to watch at least once a year.

210) Crucible of Terror (1971) zilch: Alright, I saw this flick was about an artist who kills models and I was hoping for a ‘70’s version of one of my favorite horror flicks “A Bucket of Blood.” I was kind of off base with that. Way off base. I guess this is kind of what Driller Killer would be like if it was set on an English countryside instead of ‘70’s New York, there was no punk, or drills, or raging. Really shitty shit.

209) Subspecies 4 (1998) n/a: I don’t remember much of this one. I know it takes place in Romania and is chock full of Full Moon style schlock. Expect plenty of 90’s vampire melodrama, too. Not much I can say beyond that, though.

208) Orgy of the Dead (1966) **: Well, it’s a thinly veiled skin flick by Ed Wood revolving around a bunch of va-va-voom babes dancing in a graveyard for the delight of Criswell and Vampira while some “nifty” teens from the “other 60’s” watch the spectacle unfold. The Wolfman and Mummy show up at some point and….? I actually found myself pretty entertained. I know Ed Wood’s sort of the mainstream’s whipping boy for low budget schlock, but if you’re a fan of cheap graveyards, fog, monsters and nekkid ladies, this film actually has a lot of really cool imagery if you can get past the camp factor.

207) In Dreams (1999) zilch: Kind of a suspense thriller where a chick sees something but no one believes her, and then it turns out she was right. What is it with all these kinds of movies? Like, what’s that Jodie Foster flick where she loses her daughter on a plane, but no one believes her? And didn’t Sandra Boooolock have a flick like that recently too? I don’t even know if this counts as a horror movie, but whatever.

206) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) ***: Here’s a no brainer stone cold classic that’s impossible to deny. Generally when I use the word “atmosphere” in relation to a horror film I’m talking about a European gothic aesthetic of shadows and fog, a tradition held in place from Nosferatu on. But in TCM there’s an atmosphere just as brooding as any European castle can muster up, and it’s distinctly American, focusing specifically on capturing the bizarre effect of finding yourself in a strange rural part of the country. Yes, this is the Citizen Kane of rural creep flicks and a fully realized anticipation of the 80’s slasher. The plot is essentially transparent, focusing on a van of teenagers up to no good poking around old houses where they shouldn’t and awakening the wrath of leatherface’s fam, but what makes the movie so transfixing is the graininess and raw grit of the film which adds to the “based on real events” setup in the beginning of the film, and a soundtrack of industrial farm equipment and AM radio which establishes a truly disturbing tone, to the point where by the time all the taxidermy and chainsaw killings come in to play, they almost feel superfluous. I really feel it’s the tone and atmosphere which makes TCM canon and equally low budget gorefests snooze-worthy.

205) Land of the Dead (2005) zilch: Slick looking videogame bullshit. I guess this is good enough to keep your eyes on screen for an hour and change, but I walked away from this with nothing. Because Romero’s at the helm I want to make excuses and think at least he addressed the subject of class in the same sort of way his older movies looked at race, authority, consumerism, etc…But no, I’m not giving in! This is as much a horror movie as Transformers, but at least Transformers is comfortable in its “big budget dummy Hollywood movie” status, and not pandering (while simultaneously betraying) genre fans.

204) The Nesting (1981) zilch: Okay, writer chick suffering from agoraphobia splits for the countryside. Uh oh, should have specified that you didn’t want the house that’s a HaUnTeD!!!! I dunno, typical haunted house/fragile female psyche fare. What was with all these?

203) Night of the Living Dead (1968) ****: I’m trying to find the words to describe this, and I’m coming up short. In essence, it has everything I seek out in horror films: allegory, social commentary, and a completely independent and idiosyncratic artistic vision devoid of pretension. And, to top it off, even if you put all that aside, you still have an “entertaining” film that’s beautiful to watch and completely fulfils its duty as a “genre piece.” Yep, it’s a masterpiece, but you already knew that, so moving on…

202) Omen II (1978) **: This is actually a really respectful sequel, and basically does what any good sequal SHOULD do, which is follow up on loose ends introduced in the first film. Basically, if you watched the Omen and want to know what happens next, here ‘tis, nothing more, nothing less. Well, I guess a little more, as the soundtrack and story are all above par, but you get my drift.

201) Premonition (2004) *: Not a particularly notable modern day j-horror. I think this must have just came on TV one day, ‘cause I can’t imagine I’d put effort into seeing this. Also, can’t say I remember much about this outside of a guy who sees the future from reading newspapers, and then has to come to grips with whether or not he wants to keep reading them. Shit, maybe I fell asleep before the end, ‘cause I can’t remember what happened after that. Regardless, this isn’t really my style, so it’s not like I’d have a whole lot so say regardless.

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200) Creepshow (1982) **: Though I have a lot of sentimental attachment to the two Creepshows, and they’re obviously head and shoulders above any of the budget 80’s horror anthologies that followed, watching this again for the first time in forever I was kind of let down. I fully dig the idea of bringing the EC comics aesthetic into the 80’s, and I think the film does a great job at pulling it off, but knowing how all the stories go, I was just kind of under whelmed. This is by all means a great flick, just not something I’m dying to see again any time soon. Oh, and fuck those cockroaches…STILL.

199) The Tempter AKA Il Sorriso del grande tentatore (1974) **: This is a really cool Italian Exorcist clone. That’s a genre that can either go totally raunchy and over the top or totally boring and inept. This one’s fairly restrained for the most part, but the possession dream totally makes up for lost time. I won’t mention the things that happen with a goat, but I will say the set design is amazing, really cool looking in-studio exterior and a devil that looks straight out of the Danzig “Mother” video. With a possesee who’s really easy on the eyes, this makes for a great watch.

198) Rear Window (1954) **: I’m sure this is a “masterful classic” or whatever, and I’m not gonna say it’s a bad movie, but real talk, I was kinda checking my watch during this one. I dug how the apartment and setting kind of becomes a character in itself, and of course there’s the moment of genuine suspense in the end, but overall I’m just not qualified to say anything meaningful about this flick.

197) The Thing (1982) **: I’ve heard tale of this flick for awhile, and I gotta say I’m not blown away. I’m not really a sci-fi cat though, and these super claustrophobic post-Alien clones that are all suspense and pacing just kind of bug me. It’s like, you got these guys isolated in the tundra while this crazy alien creature picks ‘em off one at a time by taking the form of different crew members, so you don’t really know who’s who, and no one can get off the station, and it’s like, fuck, finish the job already. As far as these Alien kinda flicks go, this is much better done than, say, your average Italian clone from the time, and I can see where all the high praise comes from, but this just ain’t my bag.

196) Vertigo (1958) **: Another cool Hitchcock flick that’s a real treat visually, but obviously I’m looking for more, shall we say, id driven cinema here.

195) Psycho II (1983) **: No, this has nothing on the original as far as technical aspects are concerned, but I’m sorry, I can’t not love Anthony Perkins playing this character. The guy just oozes charisma, and it’s pretty clever having the film take place 22 years or whatever after Norman had been in prison, and of course it had been that long since the last Psycho had come out. Clearly this was just a cash-in on the slasher craze of the 80’s, but it’s honestly handled with much more respect to the original than most sequels, ESPECIALLY horror sequels you’ll see, and it actually an interesting story in its own right, seeing how this small town copes with this notorious killer guy getting released. Shit, now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if Slingblade borrowed some ideas from this flick? Y’know, I’m gonna watch this one again down the line, and I might actually give it a higher rating if it holds up. Great stuff.

194) Blind Beast (1969) ***: This is a really interesting counterpart to ‘65’s The Collector. They both deal with the same theme: a man kidnapping a woman and keeping her for himself, but not for strictly sexual reasons, but whereas there’s a yobbish scorn for the woman’s intellect and artistic leanings in The Collector, the kidnapper in Blind Beast is a blind artist who desires the woman for her physical perfection and wishes to sculpt her. It’s a very brooding and sexual think piece from Japan, so gore hounds might want to sit this one out, but if you’re into dark atmosphere and a sexual theme, this is definitely worth a viewing, to say the least.

193) Psycho (1998) zilch: I ignored this movie when it came out, but somehow, 10 years later, got it in a lot of horror flicks, and not only decided to give it a shot, but decided to a/b it with the original. Oh dear lord was that a mistake. If you do that you’ll fully appreciate what a tremendous piece of garbage this is. I honestly think this was just a case of Gus Van Sant and his bros getting wasted and being like “dude…Psycho…I’m gonna remake it….Totally,” and then they didn’t stop smoking pot once until the movie was out, ‘cause like, anyone involved would have to be high to think this was a good idea. You know who I REALLY blame? Freaking Christopher Doyle. Doesn’t ring a bell? Well, I* know him as the worthless human being/cinematographer behind another little train wreck called LADY IN THE WATER. As a fan of the WORST MOVIES EVER, I almost feel obligated to recommend this, but the phrase “for masochists only” is aptly applied here. I mean, honestly, I’m far from a purist: I even thought the Wicker Man remake was adequate, and I thought the sequels to Psycho were pretty fantastic, but this is just unbelievable. I mean, how do you botch THEE shower scene with “artsy” (again, if you’re high) subliminal imagery? How do you make a dark story of murder, theft and psychological hell look like a pastel bomb blew up all over the film? How do you think for a second that lovable meathead like Vince Vaughn (who I actually like) is the one to pull off a neurotic, overly cautious psyho killer? Truly “What the fuck?” worthy.

192) Psycho (1960) ****: Y’know the phrase “what can be said that hasn’t been said already?” Well, I’m sure there’s a lot that can still be said about this flick, but I’m not sure exactly what I can bring to the table. Every frame is beautiful to look at, and Jesus Christ, the acting! I’m sure there are earlier examples, but this is probably THE iconic film marking the shift from horror’s focus from the supernatural to the horrors of man. This is a timeless and perfect film, horror or otherwise, and the best flick on this list.

191) Parents (1989) *: Dark and kind of campy stuff, sort of a straight to video Tim Burton feel about a kid with cannibal parents. If you’re in a mood for some lighter, kind of stylistic faire, here you go.

190) The Devil’s Nightmare (1971) **: This is a cool transeuro horror flick regarding seven tourists staying at a spooky castle who one by one get knocked off. Each has their own dysfunction, supposedly representing a different deadly sin, and the sole survivor is left in quite a conundrum. A fair amount of skin and a great Satanic figure will keep your interest all the way through.

189) Pieces (1982) **: I’m not necessarily an Italo Uber Alles type, but when it comes to 80’s slashers, there’s just a raw grit present in their flicks you don’t find in the more teen oriented American market. Take this monstrous beast, fr’instance: where most would have held back, this flick goes for the throat. Plenty of YOUNG girls in the shower and really over the top death scenes, including the notorious torso shot. This is one of those flicks where there’s just enough grizzly material applied to an accessible formula to keep the attention of both veteran and pedestrian slasher fans.

180) Deep Red (1975) n/a: Sorry, completely drawing a blank on this one.

179) Kill Baby Kill (1966) **: I'm sorry, I've watched this twice now, IT WILL NOT MAKE SENSE! I just can't pay attention, but the visuals are A+++, totally
killer Bava stuff.

178) Blood Diner (1987) **: You know when you’re watching a flick, and you’re kind of bored, and you think if everything was just a bit more explicit you could forgive the general ineptitude? Well, here’s a shining case of a flick that could, and by all means does “suck,” but every line spoken, every new scenario introduced is just so ridiculous you can’t help but go along with it. Yeah, it’s a “campy” kind of flick revolving around a pair of brothers, guided by their dead uncle’s brain in a jar, cutting off the best body parts of women to resurrect the ancient Sumerian god “Sheetar” and serving the leftover parts to the patrons of their vegetarian restaurant. See what I’m getting at with the upped levels of ridiculousness here? I mean, if this was a PG Troma flick it wouldn’t be worth your attention, but plenty of skin and like, EVERY SINGLE LINE SPOKEN will make you realize what a waste of time most of these late 80’s campy spoofs of drive-in flicks are.

177) The Hunger (1983) **: Hmmm, I generally loathe Bowie, but this is a pretty cool brooding vampire flick that focuses on the downside of addiction. It’s a little “80’s” for my tastes (these stories should take place in creepy European castles, not yuppie mansions), but the story and visuals are both compelling, and this is an overall great watch. Oh, and Bauhaus in the opening credits, best way to start out a movie.

176) The Asphyx (1973) **: Okay, so this flick dropped in 1973, and I’m not saying the people who did Ghostbusters ripped this off or anything, but there’s this “spirit” (ghost) that kills people that you can trap (bust) with a weird light ray (proton pack) and move to a ghost jail (containment unit) and therefore live forever. Oh yeah, and the “asphyx” bears a striking resemblance to Slimer. Hey, just sayin’. Anyhoo, since I’m like, 13, I was distracted the whole time because the title ghoul’s name is pronounced “assfix,” so you have a whole bunch of English dudes runnin’ around talking about catching the “assfix.” Actually a cool flick though, honest.

175) Driller Killer (1979) ***: This is either one the artiest moron flicks, or dumbest art flicks I‘ve ever seen. It takes place in NY and focuses on this bohemian dude living in a NY apartment with these two dames who kinda get on his nerves. As he gets further and further behind on his masterpiece painting which is supposed to alleviate all their financial burdens his attachment to reality starts to slip. An AMAZING fake punk band (The Roosters, a bunch of creeps dressing up and doing a crude impression of sleazy punk that sounds closer to the Cramps than Ramones, but so inept that there’s kind of a charm) moves in and drives him even battier. Anyhoo, the killings start at some point, and though genre fans might be unimpressed by the low budget gore, as a movie there’s a definite charm to the overall cheapness. And of course I’m inclined to give any exploitation flick filmed in NY in the 70’s a thumbs up because the dirt and grime of the city at the time makes the perfect backdrop for a story focusing on the cheapness of life. I suppose you could say Driller Killer did with urban America the same thing that Texas Chainsaw Massacre did with rural America: allowing the inherently creepy setting to create the tone and atmosphere without worrying about the need to add a bunch of fog and lighting. In a sense this is one of my favorite kinds of exploitation flicks, where you can’t tell if the film maker is a genius or just too inept to make a “normal” movie. Classic stuff.

174) Ginger Snaps (2000) **: I actually dug this one. There’s these fake creepy (which is usually bad these days, but these girls aren’t too obnoxious) sisters who have all these sexual issues, and one of ‘em gets bit by a werewolf, which is used as this weird metaphor for women starting puberty. I think I just went into this expecting the worst straight to video modern looking “spooky” bs, but this wasn’t too stylistically obtrusive or hip, and there are moments where whatever they head into genuinely bizarre (for a werewolf movie at least) subject matter regarding young women’s bodies. Overall I thought this was pretty enjoyable, especially for a modern film.

173) Monster (1979) zilch: Monter b movie about some company dumping toxins in some Latin village that produces a mutant monster that eats people. Rubber suit fans might get a cheap rise out of this, but everyone else steer clear.

172) Halloween (1978) ***: This one’s revered by fan and critic alike, and I’m not about to rock the boat. It’s a common expression and all, but really, who doesn’t like this movie? Cultural significance and “writing the blueprint” aside, I’ve always given this flick credit for just being flat out entertaining. This is one of those movies where even though there’s a lot of substance and technical proficiency behind the film, you can still just sit back and enjoy the ride without applying any kind of abstract theory.

171) Dawn of the Dead (2006) zilch: This is a numetal video, not a horror movie. The fact that this is mindless CGI fluff is bad enough, but tainting the name of a stone cold classic is just insult to injury. Sorry, there’s just nothing about this my eyes like.

170) Scars of Dracula (1970) *: Fairly unmemorable Hammer Dracula piece. Can’t say I remember much about this one, but I got through it okay.

169) Kibakichi (2004) Hmmm, I guess this is more of a fantasy flick than horror, but who can complain when some weird Japanese flick about a town full of monsters in human form and a traveling monster in human form who stirs things up. Little-to-no-CGI in this day and age earns big respect from me, too. This is pretty entertaining stuff, no doubt, but definitely more of a “renter” than a “keeper.”

168) Beyond Dream’s Door (1989) n/a: Another flick I think I remember for a minute, but get confused with other movies (From Beyond, Strange Behavior? I dunno)

167) Beyond the Door (1974) *: Not a particularly bad or good Italian exorcist clone. You can kind of guess what goes along with that. Another one where I can’t remember much of the specifics, but I still vaguely remember enjoying it.

166) Zombie 6 (1981) *: D’amato flick about a traveling priest who’s an expert in zombie killin.’ Since he follows around these zombies, when the zombies kill, he’s around, and thus he becomes a suspect for the cops. After that, I got nothing.’ Not the most coherent flick out, y’know? Some adequate gore, though, so if that’s what you’re looking for, and chances are it is if you’re watching a movie called “Zombie 6” it is, then why not?

165) Grim (1995) zilch: Oi, I dunno what to tell you here. Straight to video 90’s schlock about a, uh, cave troll that knocks off a bunch of, uh, spelunkers (!?!) one by one. Really some edge of your seat stuff here…

164) Blood Couple (1973) ****: Really REALLY cool flick. Truly unique slice of 70’s black cinema that gives an afrocentric portrayal of the vampire motif, but don’t expect Blacula style schlock, as there’s a lot of beautiful and probably accidental avant-garde cinematography techniques at play. A true testament to what a low budget and a lot of ingenuity can do. The soundtrack has a real dark-ambient-soundscape-on-a-shoestring-budget vibe that challenges even TX Chainsaw Massacre in that regard. Highly recommended.

163) Piranha II: the Spawning (1981) zilch: Flying fish, man? C’mon. It is what it is, but life’s too short to spend your time watching Jaws ripoffs…Well, not mine I guess, since I watched it, but you get my drift.

162) Nude Vampire (1970) n/a: Can’t remember a thing, sorry.

161) American Nightmare (1984) *: Not sure this one’s even a horror movie. It’s an interglobal jam about a young girl getting her start in the sex industry and how it tears her apart. Not enough skin or grit to really blow your mind, though.

159) 976-Evil (1989) *: Not much to say here. This one’s kind of a restrained (especially for the title) and corny “80’s” type flick about a nerd who gets his revenge on those who pick on him by turning into a demon. It’s a teeny bopper flick, but whatever, it’ll pass the time.

158) Demonoid: Messenger of Death (1981) **: This flick kind of blows it by putting just about the only cool scene in the first five minutes, but what a cool scene it is! Topless chick gets chained up and gets her hand chopped off by a satanic cult, then cult to a demon holding up a sword in fog. That’s some straight out of a Danzig video shit right there. The rest of the flick is okay, and centers around the cursed Mexican mine where the hand chopping took place. Oh, and the hand comes back to raise hell to. It’s cool, but like I said, you can turn it off after the first five minutes.

157) Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972) *: ‘70’s b movie about some vampyric farmers, “blood farmers,” if you will, after a certain blood type who the female protagonist just happens to have. You can figure out the rest.

156) Combat Shock (1986) **: Not really a horror flick, but it’s hard to walk away from this one without feeling an overall cheapness of life. The story focuses on a Viet Vet trying to make ends meet for him, his wife and their mutant baby. Lots of shitty New York grit from the same year as Cro-Mags “Age of Quarrel.”

155) A Chinese Ghost Story (1987) **: Really cool epic Chinese horror/fantasy flick revolving around a regular dude getting mixed up with some ghosts/deities. Great monsters, great special effects. Seriously, if you want to know why CGI ruined horror movies, watch this and imagine a world where every flick looked this dope.

154) Evil Christmas (1980) zilch: here’s a really boring flick about a dude who snaps one year, throws on a santa suit and starts-a-hackin.’ I guess he works in a toy factory and really likes toys or some shit. I guess if you like, REALLY revere the figure of Santa Clause this will just make your blood boil, but for everyone else just be prepared for boredom.

153) High Tension (2003) zilch: The lesbian chick and the killer are the same person. I’m intentionally trying to spoil the movie for you, party because I hope no one ever sees this film, and partly because if you do end up watching this I want you to keep in mind how fucking retarded it is that these “dual personalities” like, drive separate cars at the same time. I genuinely think this is worse than an M. Night Shyamalan film, and I also consider him the worst high profile director of our time. You know that scene in Adaptation where the Nick Cage who’s trying to write a screenplay for the first time where the twist is that the cop and the killer are the SAME PERSON, and his brother is like “yeah, but you have a scene where they’re chasing each other through central park, how can they be the same person if they’re chasing each other?” I guess the makers of this piece of fucking dogshit never saw that flick, or if they did they just thought the screenplay, a PARODY of trite pseudo-“psychological thrillers” that Hollywood cranks out, was a good idea, because this is just a bunch of fucking nonsense with one of the most forced TWISTS I’ve ever seen. If for whatever reason anyone involved in this film might read this (hey, it’s the internet, and you’re probably a big enough hack that you have to google your own movie to feel better about yourself, you just strike me as that type), seriously, FUCK YOU.

152) Jaws of Satan (1981) zilch: Satan, incarnated as a snake (a regular fucking snake), is reeking havoc all over the place. He messes with some priests, and…Jesus, who cares, it’s not even the jaws of Satan, it’s the jaws of some fucking snake. Bunch of bullshit right here.

151) The Meat Eater (1979) *: Here’s a pretty solid piece of drive-in schlock about a guy who opens a theater which closed due to a bunch of murders. There’s a killer in the theater, which only spells B A D news for everyone involved. Really hamfisted acting and an all around cheap aesthetic makes for an entertaining if vapid little piece of Americana.

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150) Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970) n/a: I gotta rewatch all these giallos I saw this year, most of them all kinda blended together.

149) Open Water (2003) zilch: White people floating around in the ocean for two hours. Pass.

148) Psychomania (1971) ***: Here’s a movie that runs strong on pure cool, and I don’t mean one of those kind of boring flicks with a few highlights here and there, but a flick that’s 100% awesome 100% of the time. Well, okay, there’s some setup stuff that needs to be taken care of, but the movie’s about a mod UK biker gang called The Living Dead who find a way to die, come back to life, and then be invincible. Do they spend a lot of time sulking and contemplating immortality? Nope, they decide to just wreak havoc on their motorcycles and generally rage hard as shit. Like, there’s not a lot of atmosphere or high minded concepts at play here, but there are fucking motorcycles exploding out of graves and cool as hell looking bikers with THE LIVING DEAD on the back of their leather jackets terrorizing innocent people, so like, count me in.

147) Chopping Mall (1986) *: Security company implements the use of “killbots,” robotized security guards, to protect their mall. Teenagers decide to spend a night in the mall partying and getting wasted. You wanna guess where this is going? Not as raging as the title suggests, but still, if you want to say you’ve seen a film called CHOPPING MALL, then yeah, watch this.

146) Salem’s Lot (1979) *: Kind of dull flick about vampires. There’s some good visuals, though.

145) Alice Sweet Alice (1976) *: I wasn’t really paying attention when I watched this. Something about a little girl who kills people? Brooke Shields is in it for like, a minute, but the fine people at “GOOD TIMES HOME VIDEO” give her top billing, of course. Sticker damage on the side.

144) Dr Jeckyll’s Dungeon of Death (1982) *: Pretty ridiculous legit “mad scientist” type flick involving Dr. Jeckyll (why no, not THAT Dr. Jeckyll, this is his GRAND CHILD, fool!) who’s trying to perfect his grand dad’s serum which leads to lots of human experiments, and thus random kung fu scenes between two dudes locked in a cage. Lots of quasi s&m and cat fights for the Russ Meyers crowd.

143) Kiss Me Kill Me (1973) **: Cool looking and somewhat artsy Italian joint. It’s more French new wave than Mario Bava, though. I’m spacing on a lot of this, but I remember some mod lookin’ chick taking photos or something or other. Very easy on the eyes all around.

142) The Pit (1981) **: Freaky looking kid (seriously, good job casting this lil’ creep) finds a pit of “tra-la-logs,” AKA prehistoric beasts who feed on human flesh, and takes upon himself to keep them fed. With meat at first, but then he steps his game up and starts offing the people who fuck with him. The film gets sufficiently absurd to the point where the kid shoves some old lady with a wheelchair into the pit, and I dunno, lots of other ridiculous shit. Usually kids in horror movies are bad news, so I gotta give this flick some extra credit for making this actually watchable.

141) Brotherhood of Satan (1971) zilch: Highlights of this flick are the Satanic rituals lifted (pretty obviously) off Rosemary’s Baby. Every other minute is mind numbingly boring though. Add a PG rating into the mix and…Pass.

140) Night Creature horror (1978) zilch: American movie filmed in Thailand about a panther that just harshes everyone’s mellow and won’t just chillax and be cool. This is so slow, and it is so boring, and when you find out that it’s seriously just a normal panther that’s bothering these people (mind you they’re in THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING JUNGLE, where panthers are wont to be, not the suburbs or something) your brain will melt from frustration and boredom. For masochists only.

139) Beyond Dream’s Door (1989) **: A fine testament to the “sci-fi = gross” motif, but with a Lovecraftian (which to me is just code for “confusing”) twist. I dunno, there’s like, portals or something, and there’s all these gooey slime monsters that we can’t see, but this scientist concocted some apparatus so you CAN see ‘em, but it makes you go crazy and yadda yadda yadda. Oh, also there’s some brother in like, TIGHT underwear for no reason. Seriously though, this movie’s fuckin’ gross! Not explicitly gory, but just gratuitous amounts of gunk and slime all over the place. Think The Fly or something.

138) Hills Have Eyes (1977) *: Three words: MUTANT RURAL CREEPS. Desert creeps to be exact. An RV full of normals falls into their trap, and one by one they get plucked off. Honestly, I wasn’t too moved by this one one way or the other, but hey, there’s still mutants, so it ain’t that bad.

137) Legend of Hell House (1973) **: Here’s a genuinely good ghost story about a bunch of psychics spending a night in an old timey haunted mansion and all the fixings that come with it. This one’s pretty straight and competent, and I gotta give it extra credit for being a PG rated horror movie (about a haunted house, no less) that kept my interest all the way though.

136) Friday the 13th III (1982) *: Not bad by any means, but I can’t say I really remember much from this one. Dead teenager film indeed.

135) Wendigo (2001) zilch: That’s right city folk, you thought in the snow you might avoid those pesky rural creeps found in the desert (Hills have Eyes) and swamplands (I Spit On Your Grave), but NO! Rural creeps, like Stormtroopers, can adapt to any climate! And don’t think that freakin’ Malcolm in the Middle kid is gonna be any help, either! This is utter shit, for sure, but it’s slick enough to keep your eyes on the screen. I wouldn’t really call that a good thing in and of itself, though, so don’t waste your time.

134) The Screaming (1972) *: If it’s good enough for that UK82 band to lift their name from the title and to earn it’s way into the Wizard Video library, then it’s good enough for me. Also, there’s freakin’ draculas, werewolves and Frankenstein. That’s what I call bang for your buck! This one’s kinda slow and leans towards the campy side, though.

133) Cat People (1982) **: Here’s a very cool, brooding somewhat melodramatic and atmospheric (fuck, chill on the adjectives, sorry) flick about an ancient race of cat/human hybrids. They’re kind of more like wereleopards than Cat People, but it’s a remake, so they were stuck with the name. This is kind of sexy in a classy kind of way (i.e. not just a bunch of shower scenes or whatever), but there’s a lot of weird incestuous undertones going on too. I definitely dug this one.

132) Vampire Lovers (1970) **: I’ve since rewatched this and gained an even greater appreciation for the film, but even on first viewing this flick appealed to me more than the average hammer horror film (admittedly because of the T&A factor which is way higher than the average Hammer joint). The plot’s a loose adaptation of the Elizabeth Bathory story and plays like your average vampires-but-not-quite-vampires story. Lots of luscious Euro ladies runnin’ around in see-through nighties will keep even a pedestrian fan of gothic horror interested, but there’s actually a high level of beautiful gothic imagery and subtexts that shines through on multiple viewings. Check my 2008 reviews for my updated opinion.

131) House of Seven Corpses (1974) *: Some arrogant director tries to make a film in a house where a bunch of people got murdered and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BAD HAPPENS AT ALL. This one’s fairly competent, but at the same time a bit too straight for my tastes.

130) Santa Claws (1996) zilch: Camcorder quality skin/slash flick with some—if I may be frank with you fine people for a moment--BUSTED ladies. You probably already know if you’re the type of person who’ll watch a film called “Santa Claws,” though.

129-128) Possessor (1975) Possessed (1975): I watched these the same weekend. With such similar names and the fact that they’re both on Wizard Video, there’s no way I’m telling these apart. One’s Spanish, one’s Italian, and they’re booth Exorcist clones.

127) The Ring II (2005) zilch: I don’t need to waste anyone’s time trashing this. I mean, it is what it is (modern day faux-spooky American horror), and obviously I hate this style with a passion, but every now and then you’re just like “Hey, I’ve heard about this flick, it’s showing on TV, why not?”

126) The Omen (2006) *: Hmmm, I don’t remember much about this one other than it wasn’t too offensive as far as these remakes go. It goes without saying that this is completely superfluous and unnecessary for anyone to see, but if you’ve got nothing else to watch and this comes on TV you could do worse.

125) Bad Moon (1996) *: Mid-range budget werewolf flick from the mid-90’s. Still unspoiled by CGI, there’s some adequate werewolf transformation scenes. Kinda like Howling, but less cool.

124) Messiah of Evil (1973) n/a: I know I’m reviewing this almost a year after seeing it, but I wasn’t able to keep track of this while it was going on.

123 ) Alien Contamination (1980) zilch: Alien clone that bored me to tears. Don’t remember much, so not much to say.

122) Girl in Room 2A (1973) **: Here’s a pretty decent Giallo revolving around a society who punishes loose women with this awesome red hooded executioner type. You’re supposed to keep guessing who the executioner is, but as is generally the case with these flicks, you don’t really care whodunit half as much as you count the minutes between death scenes, which thankfully this number delivers in spades. There’re plenty of memorable visuals in this one, but might not be the flick to convert those not already familiar with Italian horror pacing.

121) Lisa and the Devil (1973) **: Here’s a flick that exemplifies what Mario Bava was doing in the 70’s as opposed to his 60’s gothic noir. There’s still enough shadows and fog to let you know this it’s a Bava flick, but there’s definitely a more “modern” feel than, say, Black Sabbath. The plot’s a bit convoluted and confusing at times (remember: Bava flick), but there’s something to do with an old spooky Italian mansion and the mighty Telly Savales. Who could ask for more?

120) Night Terror (1989) *: Pretty standard 3 part horror anthology. Good boobs and Satanism in the first story. I watched this alone late at night in a weird 70’s cabin that was supposedly built over an Indian burial ground (okay, maybe not a burial ground, but some place where Indians kicked it back in the day), and thus supposedly haunted. No joke. Nothing happened, though, because none of that stuff’s real. HAIL SATAN!

119) Nightmare on Elm St. (1984) **: Not much can be said about this flick that hasn’t been said already, but I will say that for a polished teeny flick this one holds up quite nicely. The top notch special effects and supernatural concept puts this one somewhat out of place with the average low rent American slasher, but then again the average low rent slasher didn’t have ~10 sequels, a TV show, etc. All that stuff can kind of detract from what’s an enjoyable and ambitious independent production in and of itself.

118) Oasis of the Dead (1981) zilch: The only Jess Franco flick I’ve seen so far that I get absolutely nothing out of. I’d should specify that I’m watching an absolutely bottom of the barrel EP dubbed version that I’m sure’s been cut to oblivion, so maybe a DVD version will make me rethink my opinion, but from what I can gather there’s this Oasis with a treasure or something, and these people go investigating, and get a zombie attack instead. The zombies are pure schlock and there’s not much of Franco’s signature style at play here. Like I said, I’m withholding my final judgement ‘til I see a decent quality uncut print, but from what I’ve seen this is a snoozer.

117) Burial Ground (1983) zilch: Another zero budget Italo zombie flick I could live without. I’ll grant you weird kid with an oedipal complex injects SOME intrigue, but basically all you got here is a bunch of creeps in an old house waiting for a horde of zombies to close in. For some that sounds like heaven, but me it all felt very claustrophobic and tedious. A shame, as I actually dig the dude’s other joint, Nude Per L’assasino.

116) Voices From Beyond (1991) *: Later era Fulci that’s a little “paced” (the basic plot revolves around divvying up an inheritance…BOOOOORING) but there’s plenty of room for weirdo surreal flashbacks and what have you.

115) House By The Cemetery (1981) n/a: Can’t say I remember much about this one…Something about a zombie, and a shack? I dunno, I wasn’t really hip to Italian stuff at this point, so I probably didn’t like it anyways.

114) Lust for Frankenstein (1998) **: A newer, but quality Franco flick revolving around some weird lesbian relationship between a descendent of Frankenstein and a monster the good doctor left behind. It’s a Franco film, so expect plenty of surreal slow motion softcore sequences somewhat awkwardly inserted at will. Yes it’s VERY low budget, shot on digital film, etc., but like all of Franco’s work, there’s an endearing quality throughout. The fact that Franco’s willing to push whatever fake sexual boundaries exist for the straight to video market means you’ll at least get plenty of peaks at some bush. Overall this is a surprisingly entertaining slice of low budget kink from the hands of the master.

113) Bloodstained Butterfly (1971) n/a: A faceless giallo that I can’t remember to save my life.

112) I Spit On Your Grave (1978) ***: This is a notorious jaw dropper that’ll stay with you well beyond initial viewing. There’s a skeletal story, of course: a liberated, independent city woman goes to the country to “get away from it all” and focus on her writing, but once the local pack of rural creeps get a whiff of her, they move in for the kill…But first, the rape. Essentially what you got here is a multi-location drawn out rape that takes up what feels like 75% of the film. This is not some timid topless woman pinned down, screaming and wiggling, no, the film’s saving grace comes by way of its unflinching and brutal portrayal of rape. Even after all these years the flick still manages to leave the viewer dirty, as if watching the rape makes one complicate in the act itself , a case plenty of experts out there would argue. But the fact that the film makers never cop out and reduce the act to cheap titillation and insist on showing the mud smeared, leering, brutal reality of rape complete with the physical and psychologically crippling aftereffects on the victim is more admirable, in my mind, than the ever present “damsel in distress” motif found in most of Hollywood’s output. All moralizing aside, any film that can leave the viewer in an intense emotional state, be it disgust, elation or any points in between, is worthy of checking out at least once, and I’m not sure I want to cross paths with someone who wasn’t at least a little moved by I Spit on Your Grave, even it he or she was just moved to hit eject.

111) Simon Del Desierto (1965) ****: My first Bunuel flick, and what a beast it is! Here you got this saint, Simon, who stands on a giant pedestal in the desert in an effort to get more in touch with the lord. He eats only enough to survive and his scant earthly needs are tended to by devoted followers. But sure enough, Satan, in disguise as a legitimately beautiful woman, tries his hardest to temp Simon from his life of Piety, and these episodes result in a purely blissful climax. I’m not nearly skilled enough to dissect Bunuel’s technique with words. Bunuel masterfully sculpts a beautiful and surreal world here, but even if you’re just in it for the cheap laughs that ensue when Satan mocks Simon and his religion you can’t lose with this flick.

110) Reanimator (1985) **: I’ll admit it, I’m not sure I see the reason for people’s obsession with this flick. I mean, it’s a cool enough mad scientist joint with the feel of an ambitious independent genre bender not unlike Evil Dead, but at the end of the day I wouldn’t say this significantly revolutionized the way I look at “stuff coming back to life and killing people” movies. Still a fine “party flick” though.
109) Unborn (1991) *: Pretty unique and interesting film centering around a woman who can’t get pregnant, then does, but with a mutant baby, and tries to get an abortion. There’s kind of a conspiracy to stop her, though. Cool flick with a strange, pro choice message. Plus I’m a sucker for mutant babies. Kathy Griffin plays (surprise) an annoying lesbian. Lisa Kudrow is in there somewhere too.

108) Razor Blade Smile horror (1998) *: Straight to video vampire schlock. The funny part about this is, like pretty much ever post-Interview with a Vampire 90’s vamp flick, there’s this drive to like “straighten out the facts” about vampires with the viewer via drawn out narrative. This one goes off the deep end, like, EVERYTHING we know about vampires is apparently bs. “Sunlight? Forget what you heard. Garlic, mirrors, crosses? A bunch of nonsense. Do we really NEED blood? Psssh, you’re living in the past, geezer.” Basically, so much of what we know about vampires is wrong, according to this film, that the vampires are really barely vampires at all. But they still kill people and get nekkid, and thus this is still worth watching in a way.

107) From Beyond (1986) **: Cool Ranimator follow up that follows the “sci-fi = gross” motif Chronenberg built an empire on. This flick’s based around a scientist who taps into a 5th dimension unseen by the human eye. Expect a whole lotta slime and gunk and just…Ugh, gross sci-fi stuff in general.

106) Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (1975) *: I don’t remember much from this one, but I remember it being pretty boring and unmemorable. Maybe I need to rewatch it, though, because the specifics all escape me, and the original poster art is just too cool. I know there’s a few zombies popping up along a countryside and…?

105) Diabolique (1955) ***: Here’s a very classy French number with enough grit to keep genre enthusiasts in their seats. It’s a standard tale; two women decide to off their no good two timing man, and in their quest to cover up the crime, hijinks ensue. Obviously it’s a classic and all the critics already agree, so let’s not belabor the point?

104) Scanners (1981) **: Now, I’m not one to dis a Cronenberg flick, but I wasn’t particularly blown away upon first watching this number. It’s a little on the “standard” side, but a standard “psychics blowing up people’s heads” is still worth watching, and I’m assuming this’ll hold up to repeat viewings.

103) God Told Me To …Kill! (1976) zilch: I got nothing out of this one. I know people are supposed to pretend to like early Cohen bros exploitation stuff on principle or whatever, but this is just a boring flick about a bunch of killings that tacks on a sci fi space entity at the end for basically no reason.

102) Videodrome (1983) ***: A very surreal commentary on violence in media with Cronenberg’s thumbprint deeply embedded. I unabashedly worship anything this guy puts out, you already know what my opinion’s gonna be on this.

101) Rosemary’s Baby (1968) ***: Here’s a classic creeper. Nice and slow until the end, and then…YOWZA! Of course I love my bottom of the barrel exploito-ludge, but every now and then you need to take in a classy number or two to cleanse your pallet.

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100) The Tempter (1974) **: Killer Italian exorcist ripoff (a genre I’m always game for) revolving around a woman surviving a car crash and then becoming possessed. The flick can be a little slow at times, but more than makes up for it with the dream sequence involving, uh, things you do with a goat besides feeding it.

99) Amityville II (1982) **: “Mainstream haunted house sequel:” any one of those phrases should set off a red flag to the sleaze connoisseur that there’s boring times ahead. Yet lo and behold, Amityville II: The Possession has enough genuinely fucked up moments wrapped in such a superficially standard casing that the flick manages to really catch you off guard. I’m referring of course to the creepy incestuous lusts of the male possessee over his nubile sister. As an only child, I don’t feel guilty saying I always get a kick out of seeing this stuff on screen, and thankfully the budget allows for some actors who can really drive home the creepiness. I’m not trying to purport this as some full blown sleazefest, but if it comes on cable or whatever you might as well stay tuned.

98) Wolfen (1981) zilch: “Werewolf” flick (a guy transforms into an actual wolf, not a wolfman, proper, hence the quotes) with lots of “getting in touch with nature” Native American mumbo jumbo sporadically intertwined. Can’t remember a lot of this flick, don’t really want to.

97) Women’s Prison Massacre (1983) n/a: Okay, not really a horror movie, but it’s easy to believe it might be due to the title, no? Unfortunately I saw a cut version of this, so I can’t really say I’ve seen this for real. I’m sure a cheapo DVD’ll cross my path at some point.

96) Deadly Dreams (1988) n/a: All I remember is there’s a decent looking killer in a fox mask, but if that’s all that comes to mind that should tell you something.

95) Bay of Blood horror (1971) **: Raw Bava flick about some kids staying at some lakeside house that they may or may not inherit or something (does it really matter, like, REALLY?), and guess what? THEY ALL GET FREAKIN’ HACKED UP ONE BY ONE! Quite gory for a Bava flick, this sort of plays like it was made in ’81, not ’71. I may need to watch this one again, though, because at the time I didn’t quite see a lot of the trademark Bava touches on this one.

94) Exquisite Cadaver (1969) n/a: AKA Las Crueles. I vaguely remember a diabolique theme coupled with some artsy touches, but not much beyond that.

93) Omen (1976) **: A fine film, but uh, a little slow at times. I’m not challenging the film’s role in the hierarchy of horror or anything, but I can’t imagine wanting to watch this flick more than maybe once ever few years.

92) Constantine (2005) *: Slick mainstream fluff that’s good enough to kill a few hours…I don’t mean that as a dig, this is a pretty entertaining flick, but obviously you don’t go into a Keanu Reeves comic book adaptation expecting much more beyond that. Why wasn’t Justin Bartha cast as the sidekick, though? Man, you have no idea how many times I ask that.

91) My Bloody Valentine (1981) zilch: AKA “Hey guys, lets go party in that cursed mine, I’m sure NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN AT ALL.” File this one next to Prom Night in the “80’s slashers that are kind of a big deal but I don’t ‘get’ at all” department.

90) Friday the 13th (1980) **: A fine dead teenager film. There are other people better suited to sing this film’s accolades, as I don’t really see the film as deserving of its meteoric status outside of the obvious historical importance (i.e. it made a lot of money and immediately spawned a lot of imitators, as though all the groundwork of the slasher genre hadn’t already been laid). It’s a great slasher, obviously, but I don’t really have the nostalgic attachment that makes most people lose their minds over the corporate entity known as “Jason.”

89) Night Breed (1990) zilch: Okay, there’s like, this hidden monster world, and all the monsters have super powers or some shit? It’s like they wanted the movie to blow up so they could make action figures of all the peripheral characters or something. Man, fuck Clive Barker! Okay, dude struck fucking GOLD with the first two Hellraisers, no one’s gonna take that away from him, but what’s the difference from this nonsense and that one Howie Mandell flick, what was it, Little Monsters? I guess it’s worth watching as the (fucking corny) monsters look great, and good special effects makeup is a pleasure to see in the CGI era, but yeah this shit’s mad lame.

88) House of Wax (2005) zilch: The shit you see late night on cable…There’s obviously no challenge in shooting down nu-horror like this, so this would be a lot more interesting to read if I was able to find some hidden charm underneath the veneer, but sorry folks, there’s nothing. Moving on…

87) Wicker Man (1973) ***: Man, illest flick! I’ve loved this joint since back in the day, and it never gets old. If you haven’t seen it, well, first of all, WATCH THE MOVIE, but it’s a really cool atmospheric British thriller with perfect pacing and a classic horror ending centering around a British police officer looking for a missing girl in a Pagan society. Saying too much might blow it, so I’ll just say it’s probably my favorite Brit horror flick and everyone should get down with it.

86) Wicker Man (2006) *: I don’t get why this film got trashed so hard by the critics and box office. Well, the box office I can understand: the original’s a pretty “boring” film by modern standards, and the remake is more or less in line with the original. Yeah some details get arbitrarily switched around, but it’s not like there’s a bunch of numetal on the soundtrack or Dane Cook plays the lead or whatever. I mean, yes, it’s completely superfluous and unnecessary for anyone to watch, but “it could be worse,” which is a big complement when it comes to modern horror remakes.

85) Dawn of the Dead (1978) ***: Yep, it’s a stone cold classic. Romero holdin’ it down like no one else can. You can get caught up in the “statement on consumerism” factor of the flick all you want, but don’t overlook the suspense and character development the dude was able to squeeze out of shoestring budget. Give respect.

84) Eraserhead (1977) *: Alright, I’m not gonna lie, I did NOT get this film. I’m fine with artsy stuff, but this was just lost on me, but it’s a respected enough flick that it doesn’t matter what the hell I say about it. I’ll grant that there’s a good unsettling tone throughout the film, and that dino baby thing is heebie-jeebie worthy, but as a whole, yeah, way over my head.

83) The Johnsons (1992) zilch: Not much I can remember about this one outside of a lingering sense of boredom. I guess if you’ve never seen a horror flick from Holland you can watch this and say you have, though.

82) Manhattan Baby (1982) n/a: If I didn’t have this list handy I would have never thought I watched this flick, but I guess I did, so…

81) Evil Dead 2 (1987) **: A classic indie number with a well deserved cult status. Admittedly I was a lot more blown away by the trick angles and campy acting when I was a youngin,’ but this still holds up for the most part.

80) The Killing Hour (1982) *: Fairly slick copper flick where the lead cop does some standup comedy on the side. That’s basically the twist, I guess, as this is a pretty straight forward “find the killer” mystery number.

79) 7 Bloodstained Orchids (1972) n/a: A lot of these giallos kind of blur together. Can’t remember anything that distinguishes this one from any of the other.

78) Beyond Evil (1980) n/a: Nope can’t recall a thing

77) Photo of Delirium (1987) n/a: Fuck, another one that totally escapes me…

76) Drive In Massacre () *: Fun and CHEAP b movie trash. The acting’s way over the top, the killings are plentiful, and all the expectations that come along with a movie called Drive In Massacre are fulfilled. The film The Meateater might be a fair comparison, but I don’t know if one is any more or less obscure than the other.

75) Mask of Wax (1997) *: HORROR MOVIES REVOLVING AROUND WAX SUCK. Period. Even Argento and Fulci can’t do anything watchable with the motif, even with a bigger budget like this. There are certainly moments, but by and large this won’t make any top ten lists of fans of either film maker.

74) Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (1974) ***: Now here’s a flick that sticks to you! There are definitely weeks when I say that Trash, another of Morrissey’s films, is my favorite movie of all time, period, so that should tell you I’m a little biased towards this aesthetic. All the standard Morrissey elements are in effect though, such as amateur acting (it’s all very natural though, kind of like bad acting turned on its ear), homoerotic overtones and a huge spotlight on all things trashy and sleazy. The man’s a genius, but like most true geniuses, you’ll either love or hate his work.

73) Day of the Dead (1985) **: A quality exploration of the nature of authority vs. intellect and the true nature of man and all that. This might come off as fairly heavy handed on the message tip, but I’m fine with it. Great film, and a fine example of a film maker getting a little bit of a budget and doing something classy with it. Yeah, it’s a little slick compared to the man’s 70’s numbers, but I’m not gonna hold it against him.

72) Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) **: Fuck yes! When you don’t have the budget, and you don’t have the actors, just go for lots of gratuitous and super kinky sex. I guess this is kind of marred by the Troma connection, but fuck it, but it’s so enjoyable to watch that who can keep track of the distributor? Yes it’s an “homage” to HG Lewis’ “Wizard of Gore,” so expect plenty of tedious low budget torture scenes, but again, TONS OF KINKY, SLEAZY 70’S SEX. Approved!

71) Vampyres (1974) **: I sense this flick was maybe just a little influenced by Vampire Lovers, no? Not a bad thing by any means, as melodrama, atmosphere and heavy doses of skin are a sure fire formula to get me on board for a vampire flick. Only other flick I’ve seen from this can is the totally over the top Black Candles, so I gotta start tracking this guy’s stuff down.

70) Martin (1977) ***: Pretty much any pre-Numetal George A Romero is cannon on principle, but I think this is somewhat of an underrated personal favorite about a vampire who’s not really a vampire. Clever, funny, grizzly, everything you’d want from Vintage Romero. This also addresses the alienation of a male’s teen years better than any other flick that comes to mind, and to take on a subject like that and not veer off into sentimental territory is admirable in itself.

69) Perfume of a Lady in Black (1974) *: Here’s a fairly standard giallo revolving around a resort and some murders. It’s well paced (read boring) and holds off on the gore ‘til the end. I kind of snoozed through this one, but generally these giallos are kind of lost on me.

68) Blade of the Ripper (1971) n/a: It’s all a haze, sorry…

67) Fangs of the Living Dead (1969) *: Sub par (but not wholly non-redeeming) old castle & fog number helped by some gorgeous voluptuous vampire babez. Of course Amando De Ossorio’s done better work, as the low gore/non-nudity factor is kind of a buzz kill, but still, you could do worse.

66) Eaten Alive (1977) **: Totally killer American exploitation number centering around a rural creep who throws folks who stay at his hotel to a croc in the pond in the back. A constant barage of AM country radio provides atmosphere enough, and plenty of “aw shucks” yokels flesh out a very watchable and endearing horror number that won’t disappoint the TX Chainsaw Massacre set.

65) Vampire Journals (1997) *: Straight to video vampire schlock with lotsa skin. I remember this one being pretty watchable, actually, despite the Full Moon factor. Expect some melodramatic ass vampires, though.

64) The Mimic 2 (2001) zilch: Okay, can I really be that much of an elitist or a snob if I’m willing to give shit like this a spin? I mean, yeah I fell asleep half way through, but what’s it to ya?

63) Nude Per L’assasino aka Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975) **: I saw the Italian language version of this, no subtitles or anything, but SOMEHOW I was able to keep up. Premise: someone’s killing models. It’s a giallo, so expect the appropriate amounts of grittiness, nudity and slashings. The killer loosens the sink handles when he’s about to strike, so all the death scenes have this dripping sound going on in the background, which results in some pretty effective moments of suspense. These giallos are pretty hit and miss with me, but I gotta say even without the benefit of dialogue this one kept me paying attention all the way through.

62) Hellraiser 3 (1992) zilch: Fuck you “CD Head.” Man, what a betrayal of a decent idea they had with the original. I can never be bothered to remember the exact details of this one, but I know I’m always disappointed.

61) Hellraiser II (1988) ***: I like this movie a lot, but I’ve been watching it since I was a kid and still don’t have a 100% grip on what’s going on. Okay, obviously it’s the bad lady from the first Hellraiser come back to mess with that daughter chick, and the mythology of the cynobites is expanded upon and there’s the really cool footage of hell and all that, but at some point I always get lost watching this flick, and you know what? I like it. Visually it’s as excellent as the first, which is another all time fave, so yeah, watch it, okay?

60) Zombie 90 (1991) zilch/****: Yes, it’s a shitty movie, but it reaches such epic levels of shittiness that it has an almost psychedelic effect on the viewer. You might say to yourself “no, this can’t be happening, they can’t be dubbing this nerdy German doctor dude with this stereotypical ‘Well hello deh’ deep black guy voice, no one would think these red pantyhose would honestly pass as entrails, they aren’t seriously trying to pass this off as a movie, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!” Don’t worry, it’s not, it’s all a dream. Andreas Schnaas, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

59) Zombie Doom (1999) *: Hmm, this one suffers from being a little too entertaining (in a very post-Tarantino “give the people what they want” fake-cool instant gratification kind of way) and doesn’t quite hit Zombie 90 levels of bizarro Teutonic repetitious delirium, but still, I can’t fault a zilch budget flick for being too entertaining. Plotwise, a bunch of dorks crash their boat on an island and the locals have a weird post-apocalyptic setup and they end up hunting said dorks. Highlights include these weird teeth thingies biting these, uh, “unconventional” looking women’s cooters, zombies, and ninjas for like, no reason whatsoever. Total nonsense, but like I said, it’ll keep you in your seat.

58) Possession of Nurse Sherri (1978) *: I was kind of hoping for an exorcist type film based on the title, but no such luck. Instead of the Lord of Darkness possessing Nurse Sherri, it’s just some old dude from a cult. He wants her to kill for some reason, but I forget why. I dunno, not enough skin and guts to keep this train rolling.

57) Blood Symbol (1992) n/a: Too many movies with “blood” in the title this year, sorry.

56) Premutos (1997) zilch: Olaf Ittenbach, you are no Andreas Schnaas, okay? ONE HUNDRED AND SIX FUCKING MINUTE snoozer with like, total Doom (yes, the videogame) sequences mixed in. You’re basically better off watching or doing anything else.

55) Zodiac (2007) *: Entertaining enough serial killer whodunit. A little vapid, really. Not surprisingly, the only really good bit was when the zodiac killer was on camera in full garb hassling some picnickers at the lake. Other than that you might think you were watching an episode of CSI or something.

54) Society (1989) ***: Stone cold underrated KILLER. An affluent white male coming up in society learns the truth about his family and what really goes on beneath their yuppie veneer. There’s a thinly veiled, basically completely nude allegory at play here about disparities between classes and all that which some might see as heavy handed, but I wasn‘t offended. Of course what really makes the film work are the completely fantastic special effects courtesy of “Screaming Mad George” from the great NYHC band The Mad. The freaky orgy scene at the end is one of those grossout shockerz that’s gonna stay with me forever. Highly recommended.

53) Daughter of Darkness (1990) zilch: A “sensual” Vampire flick that I can’t really remember anything about.

52) Strange Behavior (1981) *: Don’t remember much about this film. Something about experiments. I think it kind of reminded me of Brain Dead, but don’t quote me on that. It’s a “paced” Australian flick.

51) The Forsaken horror (2001) *: Millennial schlock, but with enough nudity and vampires to make you overlook…Well, keep looking at, at least, the general crapiness of the flick. I heard it was called “Desert Vampires” in Australia. They should have gone with that here too, ‘cause it’s a way cooler title.

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50) Frailty (2001) *: Okay, so this totally typical “TWIST” oriented flick would have earned a zilch, but at the very end the chick who played Robin in Gigli has a cameo, and therefore this movie is good.

49) Modern Vampires (1998) **: Not quite sure what they were going for with this. At base, it’s a typical straight to video late 90’s schlockfest, but there’s just so much over the top absurdity at play that it borders on horror comedy, but I’m not too sure it’s intentional. Please believe there’s a scene where a bunch of brothers “have relations” with this vampire chick and “Dr. Van Helsing” delivers one of the most ridiculous lines ever delivered on film: (in a forced German accent): “God forgeef zeez Negroes, for zey know not vhat zey doo.” Between that and like, every minute of this film you’ll be too perplexed to turn away. This is another one that could be a zilch just as easy as it could be four stars, so here you get a compromise.

48) Satan’s Princess (1990) N/A: Pretty straight up “erotic horror” flick. I can tell because I remember NOTHING about the film other than the fact that it has boobs

47) The Witching (1993) **: IMDB says this is from ’93, but I basically don’t believe it. The whole premise—a town where adults just get together and swing without the burden of children—is just so ‘70’s. Lots of Satanic rituals and nudity too. And of course Orson Welles as a freakin’ cult leader. Cool flick.

46) Embrace the Vampire (1995) *: Alyssa Milano’s titties (that I don’t even care about, really). Some other stuff too. Vaguely watchable. Whatever.

45) The House on the Edge of the Park (1980) **: Man, SUPER fucked up flick revolving around an “average joe” and his retarded bro getting invited to some hoity toity party and proceed to rape all the women and fuck up all the dudes with only a straight razor as a weapon. Yes, this is morally repugnant trash, but goddamn, I defy you to find trash that’s this up front and WHOLLY non-redeeming while still being thoroughly engrossing to watch. This one’s definitely not for the easily offended, but if you like a film to “take you” to a kind of unpleasant place, this is what you’re looking for.

44) Brain Dead () **: Paxton and Pullman together at last! This is actually a really decent futuristic surreal 90’s number about a neurosurgeon trying to pump some info from the mind of a brilliant scientist who’s locked up in a loony bin. The plot gets a bit convoluted at times as the flick slips into more psychological territory, but you won’t get too lost. Alright, I’ll come out and say it: there’s some heavy shades of Cronenberg, and if you haven’t figured out at this point, that’ll get me every time

43) Stage Fright (1987) *: Slow and limp slasher about a troupe of actors stuck in a playhouse overnight who get picked off one by one (how else would they go, really?) by some fruit in an owl costume? Okay, you’ll be able to make your way through this, but probably shouldn’t waste your time.

42) Deranged (1987) **: I generally use the word “claustrophobic” as a pejorative to describe films with one or few locations that contribute to a movie’s tedium (see: every Alien clone ever), but using the woman’s apartment as the film’s sole location really drives home the woman’s isolation as she goes stir crazy. Some convincing hallucinations and the realization about an hour into the film that they’re really not gonna leave the apartment setting for the whole movie makes for a unique viewing experience indeed. All and all this is a pretty great watch.

41) Though Shalt Not Swear (1993) *: Entertaining enough Chinese psychological thriller that has a bit of comedy and some charm. Like I said, it’s pretty entertaining, but nothing that’ll change your life, or even stick out too much.

40) Return to Horror High (1987) **: The story is being told as a flashback of someone who was on the set making a movie about a bunch of killings that happened at a high school years earlier. But this movie isn’t about those killings, ‘cause while making a movie about the killings, someone starts killing the cast, so the movie is really about you hearing about the movie being made about the killings years earlier, and the killings that took place while making said movie. Now someone make a mockumentary about the whole affair just so we can have something even more convoluted. Oh yeah, and George Clooney’s in it. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a tongue in cheek satire of a slasher or what, but either way this’ll keep you in your seat and pass for entertainment.

39) New York Ripper (1982) See review elsewhere. What a difference a good cut makes. I definitely did not like this film upon first watching a cut up 80’s release. Now it’s a favorite.

38) Rockula (1990) zilch: Okay, basically this defies classification as far as mind numbing stupidity goes. I mean, picking on “vampire comedies” is a fool’s game, but damn, what an epic in retardation. “Are you the DJ? No, I’m the vampire!”
37 ) Daughters of Darkness (1971) ***: Lush and beautiful European vampire flick with a classic high cheekbone femme fatale and lots of erotic imagery, gothic melodrama and atmosphere. Plot goes, a newlywed couple shows up at a hotel and the only other guests are the aforementioned luxurious countess and her young female companion. That’s all secondary, because the main attraction here is the sensual cinematic technique. This is the kind of movie that sucks you right in and is just a pleasure to look at frame to frame.

36) Near Dark (1987) 36) Near Dark (1987) zilch: Painful “not your father’s vampire movie” vampire movie about some totally radical edgy teens that was obviously just put out to compete with the superior (but still not good from a horror perspective) Lost Boys that came out the same year. Way too “young adult” (not teen) and way too “cool” for a vampire flick, but if Urban Legends is your idea of a good time, then by all means, get in touch with your roots. This also has that freaking little kid from River’s Edge in it., who happens to be one of the most painful people to look at ever.

35) The Others (2001) *: Yes, you could legitimately call this a “post-Shyamalan” big budget number that hinges itself on a “twist,” but whatever, it’s alright to watch once, I guess.

34) Carnival of Souls (1962) **: Really strong atmospheric black and white flick that may just as well be a Euro art house picture. Can’t say I remember much about the plot, but this is another one of those flicks where every frame is just great to look at.

33) Bride of Reanimator (1990) *: Pretty ridiculous and borderline campy mad scientist type flick. Hmmm, maybe Evil Dead 2 meets Dead Alive? If that’s your kind of thing, here it is. Me? Eh, I like my horror straight up.

32) At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul (1964) ****: This is the first of the proper Coffin Joe films, and there was a time when I considered it “slow” (hindered by the lack of totally bizarre color sequences), but time has shown me otherwise, and this is perhaps the most straight up diabolical you see Coffin Joe. The philosophy kind of takes a back seat to our man just cruelly terrorizing this little village. It gets to the point where you almost feel bad for everyone, but no, they should feel honored to be kicked and maimed by one of the screens greatest villains. Oh, and the sacrilege is just over the top! I could probably watch the scene where Xe eats the meat on good Friday while watching the procession go by outside his window and just laughing maniacally probably all day long. Yep, this is the work of a true genius, and holds up to whatever scrutiny you want to put on it.

31) Demon of Paradise (1987) zilch: Generic “don’t go in the water” type flick. I blame Jaws for all of these.

30 ) Don’t Go In the House (1980) **: Wow, this one should move even the most jaded gorehound. There’s a guy whose mom was kind of a dick, so now the kid has a fucked up attitude towards women. So what, he’s uncomfortable with women in positions of authority and has trouble sustaining long lasting relationships? Well, more like he strips them down and chains them from the ceiling and sets them on fire. Yeah. The mental breakdown of the character throughout the film is handled very well (showing him slipping at work, the flashbacks of his abusive mother and all that), and the film does a good job with the “average Joe on the street could be a deranged killer” motif., and the film has an overall raw grittiness. Good stuff for fans of Driller Killer and the like.

29) Plague of the Zombies (1966) *: Hammer zombie film. ‘Nuff said? Maybe not, but that’s all I can remember, so that’s all you get.

28) Night Visitor (1989) *: So Shannon Tweed’s in this, and she plays a hooker, but she DOESN’T get naked. That alone is worth the price of admission, but there’s also some adequate Satanic slashery, but not nearly enough to make putting up with this annoying teenager for 90 minutes.

27) Amityville Curse (1990) zilch: a lot of these Amityville flicks kind of blur together, but none of them leave me feeling like I’ve spent my time doing anything reasonable.

26) Amityville (1989) *: Stupid flick about a house that gets invaded by an evil spirit by an unsuspecting lamp purchased at a garage sale. Yes, a freaking evil lamp. There’s also this “kid” who looks like, 30. Worth watching in an odd way.

25) Rabid (1977) **: Kind of a step down from Shivers, in my opinion, and not nearly as ambitious or surreal as something like Videodrome, but our boy still gives us some genuine creep outs by way of a bizarre armpit tentacle.

24) It’s Alive III (1987) **: I’m not really a Cohen Brothers dicksucker, but this is a dope flick right here, way better than Q The Winged Serpent and many of their other exploitation flicks. I mean, the guy Larry hit friggin’ pay dirt with Michael Moriarty, as the guy essentially makes a fairly faceless low budget number like this completely engrossing. Quite an entertaining number, for sure.

23) Wicked (1987) zilch: Okay, I’ll give you this flick’s alternate title was “Outback Vampires” and the end has both a vampire AND an explosion, but man, there’s a bunch of bullshit you have to sit through in this Australian vampire flick. I dunno, if you really wanna see a bunch of Crocodile Dundees and some beat looking “sheilas” spend the night at a vampire’s mansion after their car breaks down (sigh), then by all means, have at it…

22) The Shining (1980) ***: What can be said of this movie that hasn’t been said already? It’s THEE haunted house/psychological thriller, and it holds up to all the hype. This is a good once a year flick, no doubt.

21) Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005) *: I can’t remember anything too offensive about this modern number, but I can’t remember anything too noteworthy either.

20) Sisters (1973) n/a: I remember not a thing. Maybe I fell asleep during It? I dunno, give me a break…

19) The Village (2004) something worse than zilch: Okay, I’ll admit it, I have this fucked up obsession with this guy’s movies. They’re basically the worst films ever made. I don’t mean that as hyperbole, like, I watch a lot of shot on video amateur garbage, movies which it took maybe a day to make from the first shot to the final edit, and I can say those movies are honestly more enjoyable that anything this fucking asshole has made, especially if you take the begrudgingly competent Sixth Sense and Unbreakable out of the picture. I’m gonna write a book about how shitty the guy’s movies are one day (I have read the book about the making of Lady in the Water, after all), so I can’t devote too much time to the subject, but give this one or Lady in the Water or Signs a crack some time. Like my man Danzig says, “You think you know pain? You know nothing!” Oh, and he also might be one of the genuinely worst celebrity personalities out, too.

18) Hide and Seek (2005) zilch: Dakota really steals the show in this totally not shitty at all pulse pounding psychological thriller! “Come out, come out wherever you are!” Man, I was on a roll last year, huh?

17) Coffin Joe: Awakening of the Beast (1970) ****: Here’s Marins at his most blatantly psychedelic. The way he blends himself the director in with the Coffin Joe character is pure genius. There’s nothing out there like these movies, and that’s not just an expression, that’s just an unfortunate reality of our existence.

16) Strangeland (1998) zilch: This used to be a favorite of me and my buddies to goof on. Completely laughable numetal soundtrack and a hopelessly forced performance from Dee Snyder that can only be described as “ugh.” If you want your life to be more miserable, here’s the key to the kingdom my friend.

15) The Company of Wolves (1984) *: This is a horror reworking of little red riding hood with some actually interesting werewolf metamorphosis effects similar to the howling. The premise is just as off putting as you’d expect, though, and the movie’s generally a snooze.

14) Susperia () n/a: I’ve never been able to stay focused the entire way through with this film. There’s some really cool scenes, but I need to really sit down and focus one day in order to fully take it in.

13) House of 1000 Corpses (2003) zilch: I’m truly repulsed whenever I hear anyone not hate this bullshit. This is the epitome of what’s wrong with modern horror: instant gratification, forced dialogue, mindless, and perhaps more offensively inauthentic throwbacks to “classic” (always 80’s) horror that tries to rewrite old slashers as these T&A soaked barrages of splatter, when really there was a lot of down time in most of those movies which was often used to create stuff like “atmosphere” or “characters you don’t want to fucking strangle every second they‘re on screen.” Okay, congratulations, you broke away from the Scream formula, but your shit’s not really gruesome or brutal or anything, it’s just tacky, any anyone with half a brain can see right through that shit. Of course if I never read the internet and just watched this film in a vacuum I would never guess anyone ever gave a film this flat out ANNOYING the time of day, but I read enough “eh, not that bad” comments that just drive me bonkers.

12) Pans Labrynth (2007) **: Alright, it’s a fantasy flick and not a horror movie, but that part where they have to amputate the leg is legit wince worthy (without actually showing anything, classy move), but I saw it and liked it so I thought I’d throw it on here, why not.

11) This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse (1967) ****: This is a fine, fine film to start out your Coffin Joe obsession. Well, it worked for me, at least. Here you get a hint of Coffin Joe’s philosophy and his quest to mate with “the perfect woman” who will of course give birth to his perfect son who will rule the world. Really though, this is a surreal feast highlighting Marins fantastic technique and taste for the diabolical. I’ll say just about every minute I watch this flick I’m literally thinking “man, this is SO cool.” These were by far the coolest flicks I saw all year. Hell, I’ll go as far as to say the greatest thing to happen to me all year.

10) Devil’s Plaything (1973) n/a: Yes, I just got this German T&A fest because of the Danzig song of the same name, and no, I can’t remember a thing about it. I’ll watch it again sometime, though.

9) Hellraiser (1987) ***: Why they didn’t go with the Sadomasochists from Beyond the Grave title is beyond me, but I’ve always REALLY REALLY liked this flick. I love how the whole thing’s wrapped up in the end so it plays kind of like an old EC story. The special effects are of course beyond great, and the mystery of the Cenobites is completely intriguing (an intrigue which would be raped to oblivion by the worthless sequels), and even though I watched this way too much as a teenager, I honestly think it holds its own on the pantheon of horror.

8) Secorcist (1974) n/a: must rewatch

7) Toolbox Murders (1978) **: Thoroughly entertaining sleazy slasher revolving around a handyman who picks off sinners in an apartment complex. As someone who’s spent a good portion of his life in horrifically shitty apartment complexes, lemme tell you, RIGHT ON.

6) Shadow of the Vampire (2000) **: Hey, an actually entertaining and classy vampire movie based around what REALLY happened on the set of Nosferatu back in the 30’s. It’s a straight forward “real movie,” and I gotta say, it works. I was talking about the actual movie Nosferatu with my mom once and she was like “I saw this thing once about how the actor who played Nosferatu really thought he was a vampire and wouldn’t get

5. TX Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) *: Kind of cartoonish take on TX Chainsaw Massacre that totally betrays the original’s atmosphere for the sake of conforming to 80’s slasher cliché. Pass.

4. Zombie (1979) n/a: I remember really not liking this movie, but after seeing the uncut NY Ripper, I’ve decided to review my opinion on Fulci films.

3. The Howling (1981) **: VERY cool special effects. Glenn Danzig said in his Thrasher interview that this is the most accurate portrayal of how werewolves REALLY are on film. Are you gonna question the man?

2. Mark of the Devil (1970) **: Decent witch hunt period piece from Germany. Basically just an excuse to show women getting tortured (no complaints), but it’s also not as extreme as you’d imagine, and there was an iota of effort put into the costumes. No Conquerer Worm, obviously, but I’m a fan of the style.

1. Amityville Horror (2005) zilch: Shirtless guy who kind of looks like Dane Cook (there’s at least 3 of those active right now) chops wood shirtless for 90 minutes.

January 2008

2008-01-31T14:33:00.000-08:00

1) Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) ***: I haven’t seen this for some time, and going into it with what I know now about the Hammer studios aesthetic and Coppola’s roots with Corman, it gives the film a much more interesting context. This and Interview with a Vampire are the two big budget 90’s horror flicks I can wholeheartedly get behind, and looking back now its crazy to think of a straight period piece like this getting the attention that it did. I’ll admit the celeb status of Keanu and Wynona (especially the former) kind of take me out of the film when they’re on screen, but Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins are awesome to watch, and of course all the costumes and cinematography are all pro. This is a very cool film that’s aged quite well in my book.

2) Children of the Corn (1984) **
3) Children of the Corn II (1993) zilch: This is actually my first exposure to these fairly big name films, and I’m not as grossed out (at least by the first one) as I usually am with the Stephen King’s schtick. I think the thing that irks me about his stories is they all sort of seem like they were based on a premise that took maybe 10 seconds to think of. Like, you see your cat pounce at something that’s not there and you think “huh, what if there was really a monster he was trying to attack, and I just didn’t see it?” There you go, Cat’s Eye. “Man, this car seems to have a mind of its own sometimes. Wait, what if a car really DID have a mind of its own, and it was EVIL?” There you go, Christine. Or then there’s the “normal, everyday things that are evil” bit. Evil dog: Cujo, evil clown: It, and of course, evil kids: Children of the Corn. Shit, you can probably guess how this one came about as well: from driving through “the heartland” listening to religious radio and going “Man, these old time religion folks are nuts…And look at all this corn…What if there was like, something evil happening behind all those corn rows?” And that’s the short and long of Children of the Corn. I keep going back and forth on whether this was below-average or just average, but what I really dig about the first movie is there are so many common sense moments and rational reactions you don’t normally see in a horror movie. Like when all the creepy kids close in on him with knives and torches and stuff, instead of freaking out like you’d expect, the protagonist is just like “What are you kids doing? Come here, give me that. You really believe this stuff? C’mon!” And, you know, it works, ‘cause they’re all kids. Of course they kind of blow it by making the nutty supernatural stuff the cult of kids worship “real,” which is a total Shyamalan style arbitrary “twist!” and kind of detracts from the anti-fundamentalist theme the whole movie was building up to, but whatever. The second movie isn’t even real, it sucks so much ass. There’s some total “state of the art” Lawnmower Man ass CGI bullshit going on too, and one of those super convoluted plots that tries to somehow justify all the supernatural stuff in the first flick as a hallucination from rotting corn or something? Also there’s some corny “Indians love earth, white man kills it” sentiment, coupled with a deadbeat dad trying to “forge a relationship” with his sons subplot that just makes me want to puke.

4) Blackenstein (1973) **: I’ll tell you what really stands out about this film for me is its total amorality. When the brother becomes the “Blackenstein” monster, he starts by offing this orderly who was kind of being a dick to the brother when he was in the hospital. That’s a basic revenge, okay. Then there’s just some random man and wife who you didn’t see before, who were in bed, in their home. Okay, senseless, whatever. Then you got this horndog teen trying to make out with this chick who’s not having it. The chick gets out of the car, and then you expect the horny boyfriend to get it, right? Nope, it’s the girl who went through all that trouble to keep her chastity. Later on we get to a nightclub full of fly looking black folks. Now, certainly BLACKenstein only kills whites, right? Nope, kills this dude and rips out this fly soul sister’s guts for basically no reason. The killings continue with basically no pattern or reasoning behind them, and the story ends arbitrarily with Blackenstein getting eaten alive by some police Dobermans. In a way the total lack of rhyme or reason adds to the charm, and in a way it makes the film kind of tedious. There’s actually some pretty cool work done with shadows and cheap effects, so the movie’s at least cool to look at, and it’s certainly a, uh, unique experience, so I’d say it’s worth seeing once.

5) The Living Coffin (1958) **: Here’s a Mexican horror/Western with a pretty Scooby Doo plot based around a ghost and a goldmine. There’s a good bar fight, and the ghost is genuinely cool looking, so what the hell, if you’re easy to please and like cheap aesthetics, why not this?

6) Psycho Sisters (AKA Siblings, AKA So Evil My Sister) (1973) *: Pretty dull made for TV movie with a lot of betrayal, twists and intrigue…If you can stay awake. Basically you got a crazy sister and a not crazy sister, and the not crazy sister is trying to take care of the crazy one who just got out of the sanitarium, but the problem is, not crazy sister wants the crazy one back in the sanitarium for some money or something, and instead of rehabilitating her, tries to spook her out. There are some cool “going crazy” effects, a comically bad “mentally handicapped” gardener for all you Other Sister and I Am Sam fans, and a decent corpse. Like I said, though, not enough good to really keep your interest.

7) Blue Demon Vs. Satanic Powers (1960) *: Hmmm, this is my introduction to Mexican wrestling flicks, and I’m basically not impressed. Well, I will say I don’t speak Spanish and there’re no subtitles for this, but that honestly didn’t hinder my appreciation too much I don’t think. Here you got an evil magician type with “satanic powers” that include throwing a chick in an incinerator, controlling people’s minds, and probably some other stuff I missed. Obviously the main draw with these films is the wrestling, which is impressive and cool looking (lots and lots of flips and tumbles), but I’m not a big wrestling fan so a lot of that’s lost on me. I dig old buff dudes who’re fat, cheap “satanic powers” effects, and there’s a great scene with a Mexican girl doing a cool R&B song and dance number, so that’s enough eye candy to keep me interested, but I don’t know if I’ll be digging deeper into this stuff.

8) The Vampire Lovers (1970) ***: I saw this last year and didn’t realize ‘til I was about halfway through. I’m glad I didn’t though, because the first time I saw I thought “huh, Hammer flick with some skin, cool,” but watching this now I realize what a truly brilliant film it is. I mean, on paper it’s pretty standard: voluptuous vampire countess makes buddy buddy with aristocrats, gets the hots for ladies of the house and starts turnin’ ‘em into bloodsuckers. What makes this film so exceptional, though, is that it’s just so over the top and lush that every frame on screen is pure pleasure to look at. Yes, there is the aforementioned nekkid ladies given the soft light and negligee treatment who just ooze sensuality, but there’s also just tons of great sets, costumes, and of course the requisite fog and graveyards. And there’s this odd homosocial theme I can’t really make sense of. The film begins with lots of heterosexual activity at a cotillion, and ends with a man and woman coupling up, but the bulk of the film is made up of the lesbian relationship between the vampire and her host in one camp, and the men in their camp plotting how to destroy the mysterious vampire. There’s not a lot of interaction between the men and women, so on one hand the film can be seen as pretty daring for showing these sorts of relationships in a positive light. On the other hand, the ending is the standard “male hero saves the day and gets the girl” affair. Still, just the fact that there’s that sort of layering to the story makes it a unique watch. Highly recommended.

9) Gruesome Twosome (1967) **: Killer HG Lewis flick about an old lady and her retarded son’s wig shop. But how do they get such realistic wigs? The old lady has her kid kill women. That’s how they get their wigs. Killing. Anyhoo, what’s really interesting about HG’s flicks, aside from just being shining examples of cheap American drive-in schlock, is his utter refusal to acknowledge any sort of counter culture in his films. Richard Meltzer once wrote a piece on “the other 60’s,” which was about the pre-hippie 60’s of nifty and neato teens and the maturation of the 50’s teen aesthetic. This is the 60’s which this film dwells, to a nearly comic level. I mean, here it is, ’67, this milestone year for psychedelia, social reform and counter culture in general, and you got this jock boyfriend who’s really bummed his girlfriend’s “playing Nancy Drew,” and like, LITERALLY snooping around. Lewis is largely credited with creating first slasher with ‘62’s Bloodfeast, namely for the excessive amounts of blood, and here you have a complete anticipation of the dualistically conservative and sensational approach to 80’s American slashers. Sure there’s tons of explicit and mindless blood and gore sure to turn off the “traditional values” crowd, but authority is never challenged (indeed, cops arrive basically the second you call them), and all the teens are just too keen to get out of line, but you know if they did it’d be all over for ‘em. Yessir, Lewis was a genius, and Gruesome Twosome is just another testament to that fact.

10) The Final Terror (1983) *: Kids in the woods, ‘nam flashbacks, copious amounts of marijuana…Can any of this be good? Did anyone tell these kids it was 1983 and Friday the 13th just blew everyone’s expectations at the box office? Vestron doing what they do here in a formulaic but fun 80’s slasher. It’s quite lite on the gore and nudity, so the casual fan might want to make this a low priority.

11) Blood of Nostradamus (1961) ***: This one’s a keeper! This is a beautiful atmospheric Mexican flick about a vampire, Nostradamus, terrorizing various inhabitants of a small town. The scene where Nostradamus plays his violin for shadows who come out of their coffins and dance is worth the price of admission. The bat transformations are great too. If you’re the type who just likes to sit back and enjoy cool shadow work, than this one’s for you.

12) Zombie Lake **: Jean Rollin with an assist from Jess Franco on this one. Hmmm, I suspect Franco might have more to do with this than just cowriter, no? Maybe it’s the reckless zooming, I dunno. Cool flick regardless. Lots of girls taking their clothes off to swim (complete with underwater split beav) and green faced zombie Nazis coming to get ‘em. Not a think piece, obviously, but for a crappy zombie flick, this is pretty entertaining.

13) Werewolf of Washington (1973) **: This one’s not too bad, actually. The president’s press secretary (or some such office) goes to Hungary and gets bit by a werewolf. A gypsy gives him an amulet to stop him from going all lycantrhope, and he promptly FLUSHES THE AMULET DOWN THE TOILET FOR NO REASON. You can guess what happens next. There are some surprisingly cool shots here, namely the werewolf attacking the girl in the phonebooth sequence. I will say I only saw the film a few days ago and can’t remember the ending to save my life, so it’s not THAT great, but better than you might expect.

14) The Black Cat (1981) **: Cool Fulci flick that plays more like a 60’s/early 70’s gothic supernatural thriller in the Hammer vein (minus the period costumes, of course) than the flick that came between City of the Living Dead and Beyond. If you want gore, look elsewhere, but there’re enough interesting visuals in this one to keep my interest.

15) Death Game (1977) ***: I really liked this one! Two lolita girls terrorize this poor bastard in his own home. Okay, they don’t get too out of hand, and most of the time you’re kind of scratching your head wondering how these two teenage girls can overpower a grown ass man, but what makes this work so well is one, the girls are great. It’s not that they’re smokin’ hot or anything, but they just have the look and act of trashy, nihilistic, teenage runaways down pat. Second, the scenario is actually kind of chilling: this guy’s just hanging out in his house, his wife’s out of town, these two crazy broads show up, and his life becomes a nightmare. “It could happen to you!” and all that. And three, there’s just an overall grittiness to the film that really captures the mundane qualities of daily middle class life in the 70’s, and how mindless violence is an almost sane reaction to the doldrums of suburbia. It’s very similar to the vibe you get watching Over the Edge, in that life, even a life of comfort, is just so cheap. I highly recommend this one.

16) Trauma (1993) **: Huh, I had no idea watching this it was so late in the game. The film plays like a contemporary of his 80’s stuff like Phenomena or Tenebre, and that it was made 10 years after the fact shows that Argento’s a real film maker…Uh, maybe a little too real, in that his films almost have a mainstream quality to them, without much difference superficially than, say, a John Carpenter flick. Of course Argento’s technique is what puts him ahead of the game, and this is a fine example of a slicker looking horror film with enough substance that it doesn’t make you feel like you’re watching an episode of the OC.

17) May (2002) zilch: Ah, the bullshit you see when you land on IFC. I fucking H A T E movies like this where the whole gimmick is that there’s some weird but sexy hot-chick-who-doesn’t-know-she’s-hot who gets inexplicably shot down by every guy in the film, which of course leaves your pathetic ass sitting there going “oh, don’t worry, I’ll be your boyfriend and be really good to you” while crybating to Nick Drake. This is like a sappy John Cusack flick for the Donny Darko set. Chicks like this don’t exist. There’s enough media reinforcement out there (such as this flick) to assure that any super lithe, quirky looking thrift shop white girl out there KNOWS exactly how hot she is, and thus she KNOWS she can do better than you, who are only attracted to bullshit fabricated character archetypes like her because underneath your coffee shop façade you’re really just as misogynistic as the frat boys you rail against, and just don’t want to deal with or can’t handle a confident, well adjusted woman. Oh, and the movie? Yeah, it’s dogshit. Our little emaciated quirky screen darling loses her mind and cuts off the parts she likes from different people who spurn her throughout the film in order to make a human doll. The character development is really grating (she plays with dolls, HOW WEIRD, and she works as a surgeon’s assistant and is interested in forensics, THAT’S SO INTERESTING, and she has trouble relating to people WOW, I CAN RELATE TO HER SO MUCH, I TOTALLY WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THIS PERSON) and the whole look of the film is mired in that cold kind of post Tim Burton generic “spooky indie” look. I mean, really, picking on 95% of what they show on IFC is just shooting fish in a barrel, and not because of low budgets or anything like that, but it’s always such an inept attempt at being serious. I haven’t seen United 93, but I’m sure it’s a better film (not a more entertaining flick, but honest to goodness genuinely better cinema) than whatever’s playing on that channel right now.

18) Blood of Dracula’s Castle (1969) *: Here you have
an old vampire couple in an old castle, a handful of
vampire fugitives, a photographer/model couple who
move in next door, and all the wacky hijinks that
ensue. This one’s quite schlocky and not as heavy on
the atmosphere as a good old-vampires-in-a-castle
movie should be, but still, the acting is almost
needlessly above par. The digs the photographer makes
on his model girlfriend make for uncharacteristically
endearing characters, and the old vampire couple seems
more 70’s schmaltz than European gothic. There’s
still plenty of groans to be had, because this IS
drive-in (made for TV, even) b movie trash, but
this’ll hold your attention at least. As they say,
“I’ve seen worse.”

19) Nightmare on Elm Street II (1985) zilch: Yo, I
don’t give a fuck, I didn’t grow up with this
franchise, I owe this movie nothing, and when you
strip this flick of the nostalgia factor all you have
a budget-ass cash in. The death scenes are all
subpar, the cast is made up of obnoxious, squeaky
clean teens, and if this came out today it’d probably
be PG-13. You’re seriously way better off watching
straight to video post-Scream retardation than this
after school special.

20) I Will Dance on Your Grave: Savage Vengeance
(1993) zilch: I give this zilch because I love,
because deep down I think this film would want it that
way. It’s shot on video negative budget TRASH that
plays like a 14 year old’s impression of the “revenge”
genre. You MIGHT be able to guess from the title, but
this is basically an inept homage (insult, ripoff,
cash in, take your pick) to I Spit on Your Grave.
Girls get raped, guys get killed. Unlike I Spit On
Your Grave’s masterful portrayal of the brutality of
rape as an ongoing, trudging ordeal with
psychologically traumatizing consequences, “IWDOYG:
Savage Vengeance” is more about a guy ripping a girl’s
blouse and getting on top of her and just sort of
writhing around a bit. She’ll come back with a
variety of weapons in some very by-the-numbers SOV
death scenes, but still, don’t expect to be repulsed
or titillated by these rapes. There’s still an
undeniable charm in the film’s ineptitude, and though
it plays like a two starrer, especially at 60 minutes
long (they knew when to cut their losses) in the end I
think everyone’s happier with this getting an honorary
zilch.

21) Vortex (2000) *: This story focuses on a Japanese town where everyone starts freaking out over spirals for no real reason. Lots of freaky shit goes down: people turn into snails, this dude swirls his whole body up into a spiral and the body count goes up. Really though, you’re supposed to get sucked into the atmosphere here, which is very cold and like “post industrial.” There’s allusions to a curse on the town, but it’s never made clear why. Personally? I could care less. The visuals were less than amazing and really marred by CGI, and this was just overall too stylistic for my liking. I dunno, if you thought Pi was amazing, you’ll probably go gah gah over this (there are similar themes of obsession in both films, with similarly disastrous results), but to me this is just trying too hard to be quirky. I mean, it’s a Japanese flick (probably the only reason anyone would watch this), so like, maybe I don’t “get it,” but whatever, shit was boring regardless of what country it’s from.

22) Sister Sister (1987) zilch: Here you got a crazy sister and her sane sister who cares for her. The sane one has some chip on her shoulder over this and…Who cares. Really, this one just could not hold my attention. It’s a “paced” American gothic thriller though, so like, “not my thing.” Whatever.

23) Night of the Intruder (1989) **: Here’s an above par slasher with a lot of interesting camera technique and a premise that gets the job done. Premise being: an ex-boyfriend decides tonight’s the night to win back his girl, who’s a checkout clerk at a grocery store. She’s not havin’ it, and as the night rolls on, the body count rises. Some killer death scenes and camera trickery reminiscent of Evil Dead (Raimi and Campbell are both peripherally involved in this) makes this a “slaher fan’s slasher flick.” I was pretty into this one. I mean, there’s an attempt to break the mold without going overboard stylistically, and there’s definitely good vibes as far as being an obviously independent production (they probably had access to the grocery store before they even thought about doing the movie and based the premise around that), plus this one kept me in my seat without watching the clock waiting for the death scenes. So yes, this does what it’s supposed to do. Good job.

24) Crawlspace (1986) *: Psycho nazi descendent with an addiction to killing (in his own words) spies on and offs various apartment tenants by crawling through the (can you guess?) CRAWLSPACE in the building. There’s some psychosexual stuff going on, like the girl the dude keeps locked in a cage, and heavy doses of voyeurism (though not enough skin), and though this is by all means a competent film, it could stand to be a bit more over the top.

25) Daughters of Satan (1972) **: I really liked this one. I mean, don’t expect much from the plot: There’s a chick who gets possessed by a witch and has to kill her husband, whose descendents were part of a witch burning awhile back, so it’s pretty standard stuff, but there’s some killer Satanic ritual footage, and of course you got Selleck’s charisma which oozes off the screen even then. The film’s pretty standard, but there’s a certain character to it that just clicked with me. Maybe it’s the 70’s schmaltz, maybe it’s the chained up nekkid ladies, I dunno. I will say it should have ended maybe 5 minutes early, though.

26) Buried Alive (1990) *: Fairly by-the-numbers Argento ripoff. You got a school for girls, a chick who comes to teach and freaks out over these hallucinations, and as girls start disappearing, the teacher lady gets nosey and bad stuff goes down. There’s some cool scenes with the lady hallucinating, and this recurring visual of ants. Not the freakiest of bugs they could have used, but it does the trick. This is pretty watchable, but a horror movie at a girl’s school with no shower scene? FOR SHAME!

27) Demons (1985) ***: Wow, a Lamberto Bava flick I can really get behind! Plot? People start turning into demons (think faster zombies with claws) at a free horror movie screening and all hell breaks loose. Alright, I’ll cut to the chase and say there’s a guy riding his motorcycle up and down the aisles slicing up demons with a samurai sword while heavy metal blares in the background for basically no reason. Not enough for you? Okay, how about a gang of punks cruising around snorting cocaine from a coke can, a demon bursting out of some chicks back and cops getting sliced up. Still want more? Why are you even reading this then? Really though, this is a well crafted and over the top, but not quite campy, horror flick with great special effects back when that actually meant something. Cool stuff.

28) Night of the Bloody Apes (1969) **: Wow, great Mexican schlock here. There’s a son who’s dying of some disease, and his father, a mad scientist type, tries to help him by fusing his blood with that of an ape. Think that leads to anything good? You are WRONG, sir. What you get is a dude, probably a Mexican wrestler, with that “strong/fat” physique (my favorite body type) running around in a crude ape mask ravaging women and brutalizing men. There’re these scenes of Mexican wrestling interjected for basically no reason, which doesn’t hurt, “cheesy” gore and a fair amount of skin for eye candy. This all translates into a really watchable b movie.

29) Brain of Blood (1972) **: This movie was made right after Dracula Vs. Frankenstein and has much of the same cast, including the INSANELY cool ZANDOR VORKOV (you wish you had a name that cool) who played Drac in the aforementioned flick. This is a shining example of American drive-in trash that goes into borderline HG Lewis territory as far as its self consciousness as trash and willingness to go overboard. I mean, this was dated even for its time by about a decade, so expect schlock, but the kind of schlock that would never trick you into thinking it was anything else.